Being judgmental is seen as one of the worst traits a person can have these days. In an era where many people want anything and everything to be accepted and celebrated without criticism, dissenting opinions are construed as “hate”, and having high standards is seen as “judgment.”
In reality, a person’s high standards can be invaluable in many situations. After all, would you rather ride in an elevator or airplane engineered by a perfectionist, or someone who settles for “good enough”? The behaviors listed here may seem judgmental, but in reality reflect a person’s high standards instead.
1. Being seemingly pedantic
If your parents or teachers ever stopped you in the middle of what you were saying to correct your grammar, you likely rolled your eyes and got annoyed by how nitpicky they were. After all, they understood what you were getting at, so what did it matter if you used “and I” instead of “and me”? The thing that annoys most people about pedants is that they’re usually right, and that can make others feel small when their incorrect words or actions are pointed out.
A person who adheres stringently to rules like these (and encourages others to do so as well) isn’t necessarily being judgmental so much as encouraging those around them to rise to their own standards.
Although it may be annoying, it can be immensely beneficial in the right circumstances. For example, your great-aunt Edith correcting you about an improper phrase may spare you from being embarrassed at a prestigious dinner someday.
2. Choosing higher-quality food.
Those of us who have had life-threatening food poisoning before tend to be a bit precious about what we eat. We’d rather shell out a bit more money for high-quality items than risk the agony and lingering health issues associated with that kind of bacterial infection again.
Many people feel as though others are being judgmental when they decline to eat food that’s proffered to them, especially if they don’t know the person who prepared it well, like at a work potluck party, for example. Or if they send back food at a restaurant if it smells or tastes “wrong” to them. This often isn’t the behavior of a judgmental person, but of someone whose high standards exist for self-preservation.
3. Correcting others’ mistakes.
I recently showed my partner a book cover that I thought she’d appreciate, because I know the style she gravitates towards. She thought it was lovely, but instantly honed in on the fact that the designer didn’t capitalize the “B” in British in the book’s title. As a writer, editor, and art director, she recognized that this was a rather egregious mistake across the board, and she promptly reached out to the publisher with a recommended correction.
Those who correct others’ mistakes are commonly referred to as “haters” nowadays, as many hold to the belief that making others feel bad about errors is tantamount to uttering death threats. In reality, we all have blind spots that can benefit from other people’s eyes and ears on a regular basis.
Think about the times when you’ve found typos in printed books, even after dozens of editors and proofreaders have scoured them looking for errors. Sometimes, the discomfort of having a small mistake pointed out can lessen the possibility of a much bigger embarrassment further down the line.
4. Turning down social invitations in favor of responsibility.
Many people who hold themselves to very high standards of behavior and professional output are perceived as judgmental by those who place a higher value on fun. As a result, if someone turns down their invitation to go out for drinks to unwind in favor of working, the assumption may be that the one who declined is judging them for their choices.
In reality, the one who’s prioritizing work is doing so out of a sense of responsibility, ethics, and high personal standards. It’s likely they aren’t looking down on their friends at all: in fact, they likely wish they could let loose and hang out with some of their favorite people. But their high, strict standards won’t allow them to.
5. Prioritizing health and fitness.
Many people have heard the accusation “you think you’re better than me!” from others when their life choices haven’t been in alignment. For instance, if they decline an alcoholic drink in favor of a probiotic beverage, or insist upon maintaining their daily run while on vacation instead of relaxing on the beach.
Those who aren’t as stringent about their health practices often feel judged by those who are, even though that’s often a projection from the former. We all make choices that others may not understand, but these choices are generally being made for personal benefit, not to make anyone else feel inferior.
6. Being very selective about romantic partners.
Countless relationships have fallen apart because people have chosen dates based on potential and good compatibility on paper, rather than sincere attraction and compatibility. But people who have learned from these experiences and have chosen to only date people they have real chemistry with are often considered judgmental by others who think they’re being elitist, or “phobic” about those who don’t fall within their chosen parameters.
The reality here is that these individuals (well, at least most of them) don’t look down upon or judge those who don’t fall into their “type”, but instead recognize and honor their own romantic leanings.
They can’t force themselves to be attracted to people they aren’t interested in, even if those individuals have other traits that they appreciate and admire. They can be friends with them, but they simply aren’t interested in dating them.
7. Maintaining ethics, even in challenging circumstances.
Challenging circumstances can sometimes force people to do things they aren’t particularly proud of. For example, someone may be encouraged to remain quiet about abuse in the family to prevent a close relative from losing custody of their child. But someone who knows that doing this would be wrong and refuses to abandon their ethics will speak up about it anyway, even though they’ll alienate themselves from their relatives by doing so.
As a result, those relatives may condemn them for being a judgmental, interfering busybody and might even retaliate for perceived slights against them. Meanwhile, the one who held to their high standards and spoke up despite pressure not to can look at themselves in the mirror, secure that they did the right thing.
8. Not settling for “good enough.”
Whether it’s the cleanliness of their house, the state of their clothing, or their academic grades, they strive for the highest standard that they’re capable of attaining. They know that every action has repercussions, and they’re aiming for positive ripples rather than potentially negative ones.
For them, not only does the outer reflect the inner (and influence one another), but they recognize that “good enough” simply isn’t enough for them to feel proud and accomplished.
This doesn’t always mean that they’re judgmental towards those who do less than they do, however. In fact, they’re often acutely aware of how different people’s individual limitations can seriously hinder them from doing as much as they’d like, and feel immense compassion for them. They know that what one person can do in minutes may take someone else days or weeks to accomplish.
That said, they aren’t going to lower their own standards in order to prevent someone else from feeling bad about their limitations. They simply acknowledge the differences — without judgment — and keep on keeping on.
Final thoughts…
The key difference between being judgmental and having high standards is that the person with high standards maintains a high degree of order and consequence in their dealings.
They aren’t seeking to seem better than others, but instead govern everything they do to the highest caliber. After all, bridges can’t be built on feelings, and planes don’t fly on “maybes”. Sometimes, good enough really is good enough. But other times, it’s not.
