A lot of people claim to be secure in themselves but reveal their insecurity through subconscious behaviors — especially about the common concerns listed below. In contrast, some people may appear insecure on occasion, but if they aren’t constantly fretting about the issues listed here, they’re a lot more genuinely secure in themselves than others realize.
The concerns below don’t cross secure people’s minds very often because they’re a waste of time and energy, so take note of whether those around you discuss these topics regularly or not.
1. What other people think of them.
Whereas insecure people seek out external validation in order to maintain their self-esteem, secure people generally don’t care whether others think highly of them or not. They know their own worth and place little value on other people’s opinions of them.
They tend to live much more authentically than insecure people, the latter of which place great emphasis on keeping up appearances and gaining social acceptance. Since secure people don’t care whether they’re accepted or not, they have the freedom and confidence to live life entirely on their own terms.
2. Attaining milestones by arbitrary ages.
A lot of people cling to the idea that they need to attain various milestones by socially stipulated ages or else there’s something wrong with them. For some, this means getting their driver’s license at 16, finishing college by 24, getting married by 30, retiring at 65, and so on. Once again, this falls under the aegis of social acceptability: if they do everything “right”, they’ll be respected and accepted by their peers.
In contrast, truly secure people know that there’s no time limit on any type of life experience and that the important milestones aren’t always the ones you think they are. They may start college or get their first car in their 70s or 80s. Similarly, they might choose to never have kids or retire in their 40s if they’re financially stable enough to do so.
3. Being accepted and included everywhere.
Insecure people often complain loudly when they aren’t included or accepted into a particular group and have a very difficult time coping when they don’t get what they want. They often equate self-worth with inclusion and feel that they aren’t “good enough” if they aren’t allowed into a group that they want to be in, even if there’s no valid reason for them to be there.
Meanwhile, those who are genuinely secure in themselves know that not every group is meant for them. Here’s an example: my partner is infertile, and as such, was never able to have children. She makes no attempt to be part of “mothering” social groups because she isn’t a mother, and as much as she loves our furry companions, they don’t count as kids. There’s no fuss, nor any personal offense — just the awareness and acceptance that not every group is for every person.
4. Keeping up with trends.
You’ve probably noticed that some folks’ lives revolve around whatever is trending at the moment. Insecure people feel comfort and structure when society (and media) dictate to them which pursuits and interests are “cool” at any given moment. They dress according to fashion magazine offerings, listen to Top-40 music, and discuss whatever TV show everyone else is watching.
Secure people don’t care about trends and are often even appalled by them. They balk at anything they don’t sincerely like and aren’t going to pretend that they like the Pantone color of the year or licorice-flavored frozen yogurt just because it’s the “it” thing right now.
5. How many people find them attractive.
Genuinely secure people don’t need everyone on the planet to want to sleep with them in order to feel that they have personal value. In fact, they place higher importance on their own intellect, personality, and other non-physical traits over how great their backside looks in a tight pair of jeans.
Whereas insecure people need other people’s admiration to feel good about themselves, secure people fully accept themselves, warts and all, and don’t waste time worrying about how hot they might be in other people’s eyes. They rarely have a shortage of potential suitors either: their self-confidence and natural charm are often incredibly appealing to others.
6. Convincing other people to jump on their bandwagons.
Just about everyone you meet will have topics that mean a great deal to them and that they dedicate a significant amount of time towards. For some, this might be veganism, human rights, or environmental protection, while others will be stalwart adherents to their religion or political party of choice. Here’s where insecure and secure people will differ greatly: insecure people will try to convince others to join their cause in order to validate their personal life choices, while secure people adhere to more of a “live and let live” approach.
If someone doesn’t ascribe strictly to their beliefs, it doesn’t mean they’re on the opposite side. They know that “different” doesn’t mean “diametrically opposed” or even decided. Some people are still figuring out how they think or feel about a topic and are doing their research to determine their stance. Whatever they choose will be valid to them as individuals and shouldn’t be derided or attacked.
7. Whether they’re considered superior to others or not.
If you’ve ever had someone try to pull rank on you due to social status, education, or any other external factor, you know how internally unbalanced that kind of behavior is. It’s a tactic that insecure people use when they feel that they’re losing ground to another in an argument or when it comes to decision-making.
Those with height or muscle mass will try to loom menacingly, while those with perceived rank or intellectual prowess will try to lord that over those who oppose them. In contrast, secure people are confident in whatever argument they’re putting forth and see no need to pad it. Their stance speaks for itself, and if it doesn’t, then they’re open to hearing why not and discussing other approaches. Furthermore, if it turns out they were wrong, they’ll admit it rather than doubling down to save face.
8. Having to feel like they’ve one-upped those around them.
There’s a proverb that goes along the line of: “The only time it’s okay to look down on someone is if you’re offering them a hand up.” Insecure people are immensely fond of putting others down in order to make themselves seem better by comparison. They’ll also keep trying to one-up those around them to maintain their perceived position of superiority.
“I climbed Mount Everest faster than my son did, and then laughed at him for being lazy when he finally caught up with me.”
Erm, they both climbed Everest. They aren’t in competition, and what will the son remember about the experience? Doing this wonderful feat with his dad? Or the fact that his father mocked him once he reached the summit? A secure person will bring attention to others’ achievements and not feel that they’re rivals in any way.
9. Amassing possessions (especially those with perceived status).
Did you know that the average North American child can identify 1000 corporate logos but can’t ID ten plants or animals that are native to their immediate surroundings? Corporations and brand names are elevated to ridiculous status nowadays, and those that are considered “luxury” brands are coveted by countless people worldwide (even though they’re produced in the same types of sweatshops as “fast fashion”.
Insecure, shallow people will clamor for high-status items like shoes, bags, cars, etc., because they think others will view them with greater admiration and respect for owning them. Secure people, however, go for personal aesthetic preferences or ethics over others’ opinions. They don’t care about wealth or status and will generally choose great experiences over material items if they have the option to do so.
Final thoughts…
The common concerns listed here are really quite trivial in the grand scheme of things. If you knew that you only had a few days left to live, would you prioritize dyeing your hair, shopping, or being seen at a fancy event over spending time with people you love or doing things that you truly enjoy? If you live each day as if it were your last, you learn not to care about what others think of you but to live authentically and as joyfully as you possibly can.
