Most of us have at least one person in our social sphere whose behavior is questionable at best, but they’re enabled by others who say “that’s just how they are” and “they’re too set in their ways to change. This is BS. It may take anywhere from 18 to 250 days to break a habit, but if someone truly wants to change something about themselves, they can do so. Below are 7 toxic behavioral patterns that will become intrinsic to your personality over time and will harm you and those around you if you don’t break them immediately.
1. Othering people.
Very Well Mind tells us that to “other” someone means to foster an ever-deepening sense of divisiveness between yourself and those who are different from you. It’s often used to dehumanize those who are considered “lesser”, and can be tremendously destructive — both to those people and to yourself. Even if you have a negative experience with a person, you need to take people on a case-by-case basis rather than believing that an individual’s actions reflect those of the whole.
By believing that all X people are the same, you risk losing potential knowledge, perspective, friendship, and support from truly wonderful people who just happen to belong to that group.
Ironically, wherever you go in the world, you’ll find people who are xenophobic, insular, judgmental, and fearful; people who will dislike you simply because you’re different from them. Essentially, they’re the type of people you’d get along with best if they happened to be from your country or culture instead of another.
2. Letting anger rule you.
This was something I struggled with greatly in the past. If someone pushed me, I would push back instantly so they knew where they stood with me and didn’t try it again. But this kind of toxic behavior isn’t a strength: it’s a weakness that allows others to control you. They know that they just need to rile you up and you’ll act stupidly in reaction. You’ll regret your rashness with shame later, and that shame-laden vulnerability will provide others with the opportunity to steer you in a direction of their choosing.
If something makes you very angry, take a breath and envision yourself putting that anger into a box. Store it somewhere safely, deep inside you, for a time when you might need that fire. Then, when you do let it out, do so in a precise and measured manner, like releasing a pressure valve. Psychology Today advises that you think carefully and respond to the situation, rather than reacting blindly and uncontrollably.
3. Casting your principles and your authentic self aside to fit in with the crowd.
Loneliness can drive people to behave in ways that they aren’t proud of in order to fit in or be accepted by others. People can deal with a lot of hardships as long as they have community support, so it’s no surprise that lonely people are more susceptible to depression and addiction. As a result, a lot of folks are quite willing to cast aside their principles and their authenticity in order to avoid being shunned, particularly by those they want to be loved by, such as friends and family members.
It’s very easy to pretend to be someone else in order to find a “tribe”, but it’ll require you to spend the rest of your life lying to yourself and others and pretending to be something you’re not. Furthermore, your social circle won’t be composed of those who truly care about you: they love the pretence you’re putting forth. They’ll be the fair-weather friends who dip at the first sign of trouble, offering thoughts and prayers over their shoulders as they walk away.
4. Taking your loved ones for granted.
Nobody owes you kindness, generosity, or care, and that includes your loved ones. Far too many people take their family members, friends, and partners for granted by treating them like ATMs, emotional support animals, or servants, instead of recognizing and appreciating just how much they do for their benefit on a daily basis.
Don’t treat your grandparents like furniture items that only exist to provide you with comfort and occasional money handouts. Similarly, don’t treat your partner or spouse like they’re your slave. Take stock of all the ways in which the people in your life care for and support you, and then determine whether you reciprocate or simply take without ever giving back. If it’s the latter, take the steps needed to sort that out now. Otherwise, you risk losing those who love you the most, and then you’ll lament that their departure “came out of nowhere”.
5. Believing that submissiveness is spirituality.
There are a number of spiritual paths on this planet that espouse the idea that being passive and submissive equals true spiritual attunement. While it’s important not to be ruled by your emotions and to avoid violence unless it’s necessary, it’s detrimental to both you and those around you to choose submission instead of strength and label it “spirituality”. The reality is that most people hide their cowardice behind a shield of virtue-signalling and self-righteousness, and imply that theirs is the higher and more noble path.
Things get even worse if you’re trying to convince others that they need to be submissive to you in order to be a noble and spiritual soul. Using religion — and people’s fear — as a tool with which to manipulate them is a solid sign that you’re anything but truly spiritual. It’s not right, and needs to stop immediately.
6. That your current traits or status make you superior to others.
Despite what you may have been led to believe, you are neither superior nor inferior to anyone else on this planet. You may have a cushy job that brings in six or seven figures a year, but that doesn’t make you “better” than the guy who’s herding sheep on a Mongolian mountainside. In fact, he’s likely more capable and well-rounded than you are.
If your looks or your money disappeared overnight, who would you be? Do you think anyone would still care about or respect you? Any superficial traits that make you think you’re more special than others can disappear in a heartbeat.
You may think that if you alienate those close to you with your poor behavior, then you can just buy new ones, but it’s only those who love you for who you are that will stand by you in truly difficult circumstances. Those who adore you for your temporary aesthetic traits or the money you toss in their direction will flee for fairer pastures as soon as the going gets tough.
7. The perception that physical beauty supersedes any other trait.
This expands upon the previous toxic behavior and encourages you to look beyond physical attractiveness — both yours and anyone else’s — to appreciate true humanity. If you have good looks right now, that’s great! Just remember that they’re going to fade. To quote Radiohead, even with all the cosmetic surgery in the world, “gravity always wins”. All fruit withers, so be sure to work on your personality and character in addition to your abs.
Furthermore, keep this in mind when choosing a life partner. Many people choose those who look great and with whom they have intense physical chemistry, but after a few years down the line (especially if you’ve had children with this person), they realize that the connection they thought they had was based solely on looks, and nothing more. If you don’t want to be traded in for a younger, hotter model a decade from now, choose someone with whom you can create a sincere, loving partnership, rather than just treating them as arm candy to use when you like and to impress others with.
Final thoughts…
If they aren’t checked and acted upon as soon as possible, the toxic behaviors listed here can have long-reaching and devastating effects on your life later on. By indulging them instead of taking real steps to improve your mindset — and your actions — you may find yourself alone and friendless in your later years, looking back upon your life with bitterness and regret, blaming everyone else for your misfortunes instead of accepting your own role in their development. It’s not too late to change, so take stock of your various trespasses and do your best to improve them, starting today.
