Have you ever said or done something completely innocuously, only for that action to really upset someone close to you? You thought you were doing something great, but it turned out to be the Wrong Thing Entirely.
This happens more often than most people realize, and it can cause a lot of discord in even the closest relationships. Let’s take a look at some behaviors that are meant innocently — even kindly or generously — but can make those around us feel completely misunderstood, unheard, and even unseen.
1. Cultural responses that are at odds with the other person’s background.
If you’ve travelled a fair bit or have friends of various ethnic backgrounds, you’ve likely noticed that there are a lot of cultural differences that can cause tensions between people. For example, a gesture that’s friendly in one country can be deeply offensive in another, such as the finger-wag that means “come over here” in Japan, but “go away” in most of Europe.
My Scandinavian/Slavic partner and I had misunderstandings like this early in our relationship. Most specifically, when I asked her if she’d like a cup of tea, and after she turned it down, I asked if she was sure. I’m from the UK, where a response like this is both encouraged and expected as a social nicety.
With her cultural background, however, it was interpreted as belittling: she had already answered my question, so why was she being asked again? Did I think she was feeble-minded and didn’t know her own preferences? Although my behavior was innocent and meant kindly, she was left feeling misunderstood and disrespected, which wasn’t the intention at all.
2. Not being emotionally demonstrative in the “right” way.
This is something that neurodivergent people often struggle with, but many neurotypical individuals have experienced similar situations, too. A person who’s naturally reserved, who takes a bit more time to process information, or whose first language is a different language entirely, may not show the emotional or physical responses that are considered “correct” in the situation they find themselves in.
Essentially, if you don’t react the way those around you expect you to, they often feel misunderstood or misheard — especially when it comes to things like subtle humor or comments that are meant to test the waters about potentially contentious subjects.
This can lead to frustration, confusion, or even anger in others, especially if they feel like they’re being ignored or made fun of.
3. Treating someone the way you want to be treated instead of the way they want to be treated.
Instead of treating others the way we’d want to be treated, the key is to treat others the way they want to be treated. This is because our personal leanings and preferences can be quite different, so what makes one person happy may seriously upset another. Even if two individuals try to communicate clearly with one another, there could be a Babel situation in which they seem to be speaking two different languages.
For example, someone may express to their partner that they’ve had an awful week at work and they want to spend the weekend chilling out. They come home on Friday to discover that said partner has invited a group of friends over as a surprise. After all, hanging out with their closest friends, eating pizza and watching movies together, is their own favorite way to chill out and decompress, so they wanted to do something kind for the one they love.
Meanwhile, their partner just wanted to take a bath and lie in a dark room with an audiobook, alone. They feel completely misunderstood, and their partner feels upset and unappreciated in turn.
4. Joking about them having ulterior motives.
A person who’s sincerely trying to be a kind, giving individual may feel deeply hurt or misunderstood if someone else accuses them of behaving selfishly — even in jest! For example, if someone offers to help with a community event and another person jokes that they’re only there for the free food, or as a means of getting close to the famous guest of honor.
Although a joke like this was meant lightly, it may be deeply hurtful for the one who’s trying to be helpful. This is especially true for those who have been on the receiving end of manipulative behavior in the past. Because they know how horrible this feels, the thought of them being perceived as manipulative or deceitful can be devastating, even though that wasn’t the jokester’s intention at all.
5. Offering help when it isn’t needed.
A lot of people vent frustrations about their lives to their friends, using them as sounding boards and heatsinks for their personal struggles. While some individuals are great listeners and know how to hold space for others’ difficulties, others are natural “fixers” and are prone to offering suggestions on how to fix the issue at hand.
Even though this approach makes complete sense to them (and is the response that they’d want to receive from another), it may be the total opposite of what their friend wants from them.
That friend likely doesn’t want unsolicited advice: they’re pretty sure they know how to fix the situation themselves. All they wanted was to be heard and supported. Instead, their intentions and needs were completely misunderstood by the friend who innocently offered help instead of a neutral shoulder to cry on.
6. Playing devil’s advocate for the sake of interesting conversation.
There are many different ways to have conversations, and not everyone communicates the same way. For example, some people, particularly intellectual types who enjoy debating, like to play devil’s advocate (i.e., defending a stance they don’t actually believe in) for the sake of expanding perspectives.
However, those who have staunch beliefs about the topic in question may feel deeply misunderstood or even taunted by someone who turns the discussion around like this. They may feel as though what they’ve said hasn’t been expressed clearly, or that it’s been misinterpreted intentionally to cause discord.
While it can be fun to debate topics with people who enjoy it, it can become toxic to conversations and relationships when the other person clearly doesn’t share the same passion.
7. Interpreting admiration for something as desire for it.
One frustrating thing that often happens is when someone offers another person a compliment on something they’re wearing or an item they own just because they’re trying to be nice or because it suits that person, but their partner or parent thinks their compliment means they themselves want said item. The next thing you know, they’re unwrapping something similar as a birthday gift and can’t really explain just how horrified they are.
Another way that admiration can be misinterpreted is when a person mentions in passing that something they saw was rather lovely. This doesn’t mean that they want it: they simply think that it’s aesthetically pleasing. If their partner then laments that they can’t afford to get it for them, the one who expressed admiration may end up feeling terrible. They didn’t say what they did because they were trying to coerce anyone into getting it for them! All they wanted to do was share something they thought was beautiful.
8. Returning friendliness and having it misconstrued as flirtation.
Human interactions can be difficult to navigate at the best of times. As a result, a lot of folks can accidentally misconstrue others’ behavior as flirtatious when that isn’t the case at all. Case in point: let’s say someone who’s reading at a coffee shop smiles at a stranger who’s sitting nearby. The stranger smiles back and later asks if the book they’re reading is any good. In return, the reader responds that they already have a romantic partner.
The person being friendly wasn’t expecting that at all, nor was there any interest from their side. It was simply a situation of two human beings exchanging pleasantries, but one assumed that the other was trying to flirt with them, completely misconstruing their intentions. And when things like this happen, it usually inspires people on both sides of the exchange to refrain from ever interacting with other strangers in case it happens again.
Final thoughts…
The gifts that we give others are often not the gifts that they receive. Ultimately, people will often interpret our words or actions in ways that we never intended, and vice versa. We do the best we can in our various relationships, but we’re all going to mess up eventually.
The behaviors mentioned here may be meant innocently, but can cause rifts between our loved ones and us unless we learn from them and negotiate forward accordingly. Listening, paying attention, and communicating clearly are the best ways to avoid further conflict in the future.
