Trust can be difficult because of how we tend to view it. We often view trust as a binary state, that is, you either trust someone or you don’t. But trust isn’t black and white; it’s shades of gray. Plus, there are different kinds of trust. I trust my car mechanic because he always tries to save me money and takes responsibility for mistakes when they happen.
Because I trust my mechanic to work on my car, I will gladly refer other people to him. However, I’m not going to let him house-sit. I don’t know him that way. We don’t have that kind of trust. To trust him that way would be naive. That may seem obvious, but still, a lot of people are too trusting and apply blanket rules that get them burned. So how do you avoid falling into that trap?
1. Trust actions over words.
I’ve always disliked the saying, “It’s easier said than done.” If you stop and think about it, that describes everything. Everything is easier said than done, but that takes on a much different dimension when you’re talking about trust. People say a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean they will follow through on them.
As therapist Dr. Bradford White shares, the easiest way to gauge how much trust you should give is by looking at patterns. What does the person actually do, as opposed to what they say they will do? Furthermore, if they do wrong things to other people, you need to remember that you’re not special. There’s a high likelihood they will do the same things to you when the opportunity arises.
For example, when I was young and foolish, I was the “other man” in an affair. She left her husband for me, and do you want to guess what happened? If you guessed that she eventually cheated on me, too, you would be correct!
Always believe patterns and actions over words.
2. Don’t confuse kindness with credibility.
A common mistake that some people make is confusing kindness with credibility. A person may be kind, warm, or empathetic, but also unreliable or self-serving. Not to mention that for some people, kindness is just an act they use to get closer to people. Then, once they’re closer to their target, they are able to take their mask off.
In that situation, a lot of trusting people will think, “Oh, they’re just a kind person making a wrong decision.” Maybe. Or, maybe not. After all, if abusers and manipulators acted that way all the time, no one would ever get sucked into their orbit. They have to know when to turn on the charm.
That said, most people aren’t necessarily only kind or only unkind, and many kind people can do unkind things at times.
Either way, that’s why it’s better to focus on credibility over kindness and niceness, because credibility is a more reliable indicator of someone’s character. How do you know if they’re credible? Well, you look at their track record. Do they follow through on their commitments? Do they take responsibility when things go wrong, or do they deflect and make excuses? Are the things they tell you consistent with what others say about them, or do the stories start to shift depending on who’s listening?
Credibility leaves a paper trail of reliable actions over time. Essentially, it’s all about consistency.
3. Watch how they handle boundaries.
You don’t discover authentic character in the good times of a relationship. After all, it’s easy to be pleasant, nice, and kind when things are going well.
You discover who a person truly is when problems pop up. Then, you’re able to see how they handle conflict and resolve issues. How they respond to your reasonable boundaries is a good example of this. As Psychology Today informs us, the way a person handles boundaries can tell you a lot about them as a person.
Every relationship is going to have conflicts, and you may not know or understand where exactly a boundary is until it’s crossed. That’s when communication matters. The person who had their reasonable boundary violated needs to feel safe enough to open up. The person who violated the boundary needs to honor and accept it for what it is. Healthy, trustworthy people will do just that.
So, a general rule to keep in mind is that you are best served not extending trust if the person who violates your boundary makes excuses, repeats the mistake, or tries to find a way to weasel around the boundary. If they’ll do that once, they’ll do it repeatedly.
4. Remember that trust is earned, not given freely.
Due to the common perception of trust as an all-or-nothing thing, many people struggle with establishing healthy connections. As I previously mentioned, trust is a scale, and there are different kinds of trust. However, to know how much you can trust a person, you have to extend them a little trust to start with. Otherwise, they have no way to prove to you that they can handle that responsibility.
You build trust by sharing small things and seeing how the other person handles them.
For example, if you meet someone new, you might want to share a few things back and forth to establish a friendship. You don’t want to look at the situation as, “Oh, you’re a stranger, therefore I will give you no access at all because you might be a malicious person.”
You’ll never know whether they can earn your trust unless you take that first step. And once you do take that first step, then you can decide to let that person access the second step, then the third, as deep as you want to let them go.
The example of boundary setting also works here. You may set a small boundary, and if they honor it well, you can make a reasonable conclusion that you can trust them a little more. It’s these repeated acts that allow you to move from neutrality to friendship, to best friendship, or even lovers.
Building trust starts small, then you add to it more and more.
5. Pay attention to how you feel after interacting.
It’s easy to get swept up in the moment, particularly if a person is charismatic. They may be a kind or nice person who makes you feel good in the moment, but then it doesn’t carry over. Instead, you may find yourself looking back on a situation and identifying lies that person told to make you feel good. Usually, it will pop up as discrepancies in what they say versus what they do.
You’re more likely to see that when you’re not around the person, because they aren’t there to try to shape your perception. How do you feel after interacting with them? Do you feel good? Happy? Or do you feel drained? Sad? Or anxious? If you feel negatively, that’s not something to ignore. That is a red flag.
6. Do not make excuses for red flags.
Speaking of red flags…
A red flag is a red flag. It doesn’t matter why it’s there. All that matters is that the red flag is a-flyin’. People go through a lot in life. Everyone’s walking around with some kind of pain, loss, or trauma because that’s just how life is. And if you’re not, well, you will be sooner or later. At minimum, we will all lose at least one person we love to death at some point.
Why do I mention this? Because hard though it is, the ability to carry the wounds of the life you’ve been given matters a lot. You can’t let your wounds bleed onto the people around you. And just as importantly, you can’t let other people’s wounds bleed onto you.
So yes, extend compassion to them, but don’t make excuses for them. In fact, it’s even more important to have strong boundaries when you’re trying to be around a person with a lot of challenges. Boundaries are how you teach people how you want to be treated. If you accept their bad behavior, they will treat you badly. It doesn’t matter where it comes from.
7. Let time reveal the truth.
People can pretend for a while. It’s not all that hard in the short term, frankly. I’m an autistic person, and I mask; I pretend to be a far more sociable person than I am. But that has its downsides when it comes to building relationships and connections with people. It’s easy to mask who you actually are for a little while, not so much in the long-term.
As such, if you take it slow and take your time, the people who want to exploit your trust will reveal themselves eventually. They’ll usually reveal it in small ways first, by testing your boundaries here and there to see just how flexible they are. And after a while, they’ll stop caring about your boundaries altogether and will act in their own best interests.
A final word…
Trust is a fascinating subject when you stop and think about it. There are different types and levels of trust. The important thing is not to open the doors to your depths until you are sure that the person can actually handle it. Take your time and let the relationship progress steadily. You don’t have to be in a rush with anyone, and you shouldn’t be.
A person who respects you and wants to be around you will honor your pace. If they try to rush you, then you know that person doesn’t deserve access to your depths. You can always keep it shallow and superficial if you don’t want to kick them out of your life completely.
