Believe it or not, entitlement doesn’t typically stem from abusive behaviors. In fact, it actually stems from normal parenting behaviors that go too far. It may be that the parent had a bad childhood themselves, so they want to make sure their child always feels safe, welcome, and comfortable. They overcompensate and give the child too much.
By giving the child too much, they come to expect that level of treatment and consideration from everyone else in the world, creating a sense of entitlement. After all, their parent would do this for them to give them what they wanted, so why won’t you?
There’s nothing wrong with a parent wanting to give their child a better life than they had. Still, you should remain aware that the following parental behaviors can be harmful if not balanced.
1. Shielding and rescuing your child from consequences.
Personal accountability is such an important part of being a healthy, responsible adult. Everyone makes mistakes, but a parent who constantly swoops in to save their child from their mistakes is doing them a disservice. The parent is preventing that child from learning how to accept responsibility and fix those mistakes.
A parent can’t and shouldn’t be there to try to save the day when a relationship fails, a job is lost, a deadline is missed, or a promise goes undelivered. The child needs to learn that their actions have consequences, otherwise they have no incentive to try to be better. They learn that it’s not a big deal because someone else will take responsibility instead.
2. Prioritizing happiness over growth.
It’s completely normal to want your child to be happy, but you can’t shield them from all discomfort. Life isn’t just happiness. It also comes with sadness and hard times. The child needs to learn how to accept and handle ugly emotions and situations with grace. They can’t learn how to do that if every time they are having a hard time, you swoop in to fix it.
Instead, it’s better to give the child some advice and give them some time to sort through their emotions; that way, they build those habits for adulthood. By allowing them to experience disappointment and discomfort and confront challenges, you are empowering them to build emotional resilience. They have to learn that the world isn’t out to satisfy them, and they have to be okay with that.
3. Solving their problems for them.
Problems happen in life. Everyone experiences them. Problem-solving is a skill that we start building early on when we encounter a problem, and then figure it out. However, some parents don’t give their children the opportunity to do that. Instead of allowing the child to be frustrated or figure it out, they enable the child and always step in and fix the problem themselves.
That is an expectation and habit these children can wind up carrying with them into adulthood. They become helpless when they are faced with a problem, looking to others to fix it for them. That lack of development can fuel a lot of anger, frustration, and immaturity because they just can’t handle basic problems that adults need to deal with.
4. Never saying “no.”
As Scholastic Parents informs us, children need to hear the word “no” from time to time. They need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and their feelings. It’s the only way that they can truly understand and learn how to deal with the fact that they won’t always get their way. They have to learn to compromise and accept that they can’t always get what they want – and that that’s okay because that’s just how life is!
They have to learn that most people aren’t going to go out of their way for them. It’s embarrassing to see full-grown adults throw temper tantrums because they don’t get their way. Not only that, but it harms their ability to find and form healthy relationships. A healthy relationship is built on boundaries and compromises. And boundaries require the word “no.”
5. Overemphasizing how special they are.
There’s no harm in encouraging a child and telling them they are special in moderation. The important thing is not to be overbearing about it. Overdoing it may cause them to develop a skewed view that they are better than everyone else. That they are above rules, effort, or compromise.
Personally, as a young adult, I suffered because of this. I fell into the “gifted child” trap, where I thought being smart was going to be more than enough. But, no, I had to learn that there are plenty of smart people in the world, and it doesn’t make you special at all. It just gives you some additional opportunity if you’re willing to work hard with it.
A healthy adult cannot thrive in relationships or social situations where they believe that everyone else is beneath them, or that they don’t have to consider others. A healthy adult cannot thrive if they think they are so special that they don’t have to do the work required for success in life and love.
6. Being inconsistent with their boundaries.
Boundaries teach people respect and structure. A parent who does not enforce boundaries consistently is inadvertently encouraging their child to push limits until they get what they want. Parents with inconsistent, unclear, or overly permissive boundaries are confusing their child and nurturing a sense of entitlement because they learn they can push to get what they want.
Instead, solid boundaries teach the child how to respect the limits of others. They provide clarity and direction, encouraging the child to develop the maturity to handle the word “no” and compromise.
7. Rewarding effort with too much praise.
Every small accomplishment does not require exaggerated applause and celebration. By doing this, children develop an inflated sense of their abilities, which creates frustration, anger, and entitlement when the real world doesn’t match. They grow up not understanding why other people don’t see their specialness or fawn over them in a similar way.
As an adult, this becomes problematic because it encourages a lack of participation. The bare minimum and doing what you’re expected to do is not for celebration. Furthermore, it heavily interferes with relationships because the entitled adult will often forsake basic effort because they aren’t being celebrated. They come to feel like they are doing a favor by just doing what they’re supposed to do.
8. Making home too comfortable without expectation.
Creating a loving home is admirable. However, when you give adult children a lifestyle they haven’t earned, they may resist launching into the real world. In the real world, you have to work hard and pay for a good place to live, a lifestyle, food, and laundry. There are adulting responsibilities that need to be taken care of that aren’t comfortable, that can be painful and difficult.
There’s nothing wrong with expecting your child to contribute around the house. Even a child can participate in doing basic housework, cleaning up after themselves, and doing some of the work to take care of themselves. As they get older, they can take on more responsibilities. As an adult, they can even chip in for rent or help with the upkeep of the home to begin with. Too much comfort can be a bad thing.
Final thoughts…
Many of the behaviors outlined here boil down to moderation. These are all healthy parenting behaviors, but they need to be done in a limited way so the child can properly develop. There is no better time for the child to learn these things than when in the care of their parent.
It’s so much harder to change long-term patterns and habits as an adult, particularly since the child will need to learn these lessons the hard way. For example, you don’t want your adult child to end up in a relationship where their partner is their caretaker because that just won’t last. It’s more harmful to them in the long run.
Like many things in life, the key is moderation.
