You’ve likely noticed that there are two types of confident people around: those who draw people to them with their dazzling yet approachable personal magnetism, and those who push others away because of their self-aggrandizing arrogance.
Even though both of these types may have the exact same confidence levels from an outward perspective, one draws people’s admiration and friendship, while the other encourages animosity.
What makes the difference between them? Well, in reality, it’s just a few simple behaviors. Here’s how you can cultivate great confidence without being mistaken for being arrogant.
1. Ask people about their knowledge of a subject before lecturing them on it.
Many who are well-educated in particular subjects are keen to share their knowledge with others. Unfortunately, if they don’t ask those other people about their own awareness of said subjects, they run the risk of being perceived as arrogant know-it-alls. This is because they seem to automatically assume that others don’t know as much as they do and then fall into lecturer mode, which can be quite tiresome.
In order to avoid being seen as condescending or arrogant, ask people about their familiarity with a subject rather than assuming they aren’t as well-versed as you are. Additionally, ask whether they’re interested in hearing about this topic before you launch into it! Just because you are fascinated with palaeoentomology, that doesn’t mean they are as well.
2. Freely admit when you don’t know something.
Arrogant people rarely admit when they don’t know something. In fact, they’ll often bluster and improvise responses in order to maintain the illusion of their superiority. They see holes in their own education as personal failings, and might even go on the attack if someone calls them out for lying about what they do and don’t know.
I’ve found that one of the best ways to show people that you don’t think you’re superior to them is to be wholly honest when you don’t know about a topic. My approach is to tell them plainly that I am woefully ignorant about a subject and then ask them if they have any recommendations as to where I can start educating myself about it.
In almost every situation, they’ve either offered to teach me about it or given me a list of books and other resources to delve into, and they’ve respected that I’m secure enough in myself to admit my limitations.
3. Compliment those around you.
One of the things people are encouraged to do when building their confidence is to walk into rooms as though the Universe itself sent them. Other recommendations are to dress in clothes they find empowering and radiate an air of self-assurance. While these behaviors can help the individual feel immensely confident, they can often make those around them feel insecure in comparison.
Furthermore, the other people may think that the confident person thinks they’re superior, and is intentionally trying to make them feel small. The best way to offset this is to offer sincere compliments to other people. This instantly dispels the illusion that you see yourself as superior and will encourage others to open up to you rather than shy away.
4. Engage in gently self-deprecating humor (but don’t take it too far).
A great way to knock yourself off any kind of pedestal (including those people place you on due to their own assumptions) is to engage in a bit of gentle, self-deprecating humor. You don’t want to seriously put yourself down or undermine your own authority or dignity here, but rather own up to an amusing foible or shortcoming that’s endearing.
For example, if you’re up on stage giving a speech, you might mention how you bought your tie pre-tied because you can’t tie a Windsor knot to save your life, or admit that you’re nervous speaking to such a large crowd.
Doing this type of thing humanizes you significantly in other people’s eyes and goes a long way towards dispelling assumptions about your potential arrogance. Furthermore, seeing someone who’s confident despite being aware of their shortcomings or quirks can inspire others to be similarly self-assured in turn.
5. Delegate tasks encouragingly.
Arrogant people often try to do everything themselves rather than relying on those around them. Not only do they tend to have an overblown sense of confidence in their abilities, but they also feel that they are the only ones who are capable of getting things done properly.
In contrast, a truly confident person knows when and where to delegate tasks to others. This is because they’re as self-aware of their strengths as they are of their shortcomings. And it’s a trait that’s particularly admired and respected in an employer.
If you hire people whom you know are highly capable, and let them know that you trust them to take care of tasks you don’t excel in, they’ll respect your candor while simultaneously appreciating the opportunity to make you proud of them.
6. Inquire about others rather than talking only about yourself.
One key trait that most arrogant individuals share is the tendency to talk about themselves. They’re often terribly self-aggrandizing and are keen to tell others all about their amazing pursuits and accomplishments, rarely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.
Furthermore, if anyone else tries to change the subject, the arrogant person will hijack the conversation so they can direct it back to themselves.
It’s worth noting that this can sometimes come from a place of neurodivergence or anxiety rather than arrogance. Some people talk a lot out of a place of enthusiasm and engagement with the topic, of difficulty reading neurotypical social cues, so it doesn’t always signal someone who thinks they are better than others.
That said, conversation is a two-way street, and most people like to feel heard. So, if you’re radiating confidence and drawing people to you as a result, make sure that you spend time listening as well as speaking. Ask their names, and make a point of remembering them, if you can (using a note can help if you struggle with this).
Inquire about what they do, what inspires them, what their families are like, what difference they’re trying to make in the world, and so on. When they realize that you actually care and don’t see yourself as superior to them, you’ll likely end up with more friends and supporters rather than naysayers.
7. Come clean about mistakes and take steps to make amends.
You can tell a great deal about a person by how they behave when they know that they’ve made a mistake.
Arrogant individuals who don’t want to be seen as weak or fallible will generally try to gloss over their mistakes and avoid accountability for them. For example, they’ll often try to brush off the error as not a big deal first (or claim ignorance about it), and if pressed, insist that it was someone else’s fault. Or, if it’s a situation where they’re confronted about having been wrong about a topic, they’ll double down on it and try to gaslight everyone into believing that they are, in fact, completely correct.
They may think this projects confidence, but behavior like this makes others lose respect and confidence in them rather than increasing it.
In contrast, a person who doesn’t just admit to their wrongdoing but puts sincere effort into making amends will earn trust and admiration from everyone. There is so much power in admitting when you’re wrong or don’t know something. It shows that you have enough self-respect to do the right thing and that you respect others enough to be honest with them.
When someone is as confident in error as they are in correctness, it shows remarkable strength of character… only without the arrogance that often comes with it.
Final thoughts…
It’s worth noting that ultimately, people will see you how they choose to see you. As a result, you can do everything “right” according to this list, and they may still decide to perceive you as arrogant.
You can’t forcibly change other people’s minds, but by being the best version of yourself, you can be secure in the knowledge that your confidence is neither condescending nor cruel towards others. If anyone chooses to perceive you that way, regardless of your impeccable decorum, then it’s a reflection of their own struggles, and nothing to do with you.
