The narcissistic injury response: 8 predictable behaviors of grandiose and vulnerable narcissists
Many people are becoming aware of how narcissists behave when they perceive that they have been wronged, as they all seem to draw from the same how-to manual for their behaviors.
However, it’s important to understand that there are differences depending on whether you’re dealing with grandiose narcissists or vulnerable “covert” types. The former tend to be outward and aggressive, while the latter are passive and comfort-seeking.
Let’s look at eight of the most predictable behaviors you can expect to come across when either of these types of narcissists feels injured.
Grandiose narcissist responses.
Grandiose narcissists have overblown ideas about their own importance. They think very highly of themselves, so if they feel injured by another person, they try to make it abundantly clear that this person has done something awful and should be punished for it. Here’s how.
Mocking, belittling behavior.
One of the most common grandiose narcissist responses is to focus on their sense of superiority while simultaneously trying to make the other person feel small and pathetic. As such, they take their assumed injury and turn it around into an attack, focusing all their ire on the other person’s greatest vulnerabilities. They’ll insult the other person’s appearance, age, weight, income, whatever will cause the most damage.
They often do this with scathing sarcasm and bemused condescension, so the other person knows how little they matter. The narcissist will say things like “You’re nothing without me”, or “You should have been more grateful, since you’ll never find anyone else willing to be with someone as pathetic and disgusting as you”, etc.
Explosive rage.
Take a toddler tantrum and increase it by 1000 percent, and you have a grandiose narcissist rage response to a perceived injury. Most people who have lived with this type of narcissist have horror stories about screaming fits, holes punched through walls, objects broken or thrown through windows, and physical violence towards themselves.
Simply Psychology advises that the narcissist in question goes into a blind rage when their sense of control and superiority is threatened, undermined, or downright dismissed. It’s because of this tendency towards violent aggression that grandiose narcissists are considered so dangerous.
Not only do they have hair-trigger tempers, but they will also feel no remorse after lashing out and damaging those around them. Even worse, they’ll justify their behavior and blame their victims for “making” them behave that way.
Threats of abandonment or retaliation.
The grandiose narcissist believes they’re such a prize to be kept that when they feel injured or otherwise affronted, they’ll threaten to abandon their friend, partner, child, or other family member as a means of getting what they want. They’ll talk about how bad the other person will feel once they’re gone, and how they don’t understand how lucky they are to have them in their lives.
Similarly, they may threaten to retaliate against those they feel have wronged them. For example, they may imply that the other person’s belongings (or beloved pets) will be thrown out or sold when they aren’t home, or that they’ll publish intimate photos of the other person online.
Another thing a grandiose narcissist may do is to play nice for a while, set up a vacation somewhere far from home, and then abandon their partner there as payback for their perceived slight.
Aggressively playing the victim.
Since narcissists perpetually believe themselves to be in the right, grandiose types who don’t get what they want (or otherwise feel injured) will still claim victimhood, but will do so in an aggressive, belligerent fashion. They’ll pace around, ranting about how persecuted they are and how others have used and mistreated them too much over the years, and then go on the attack.
The type of attack they use will depend on who it was that injured them. For example, if they felt undermined or insulted by a colleague, they might go to HR and accuse them of inappropriate behavior in an attempt to get them fired. Similarly, if someone had the audacity to break up with them, they may charge them with some form of abuse to get back at them while simultaneously garnering pity from everyone else.
Vulnerable narcissist responses
In contrast to the grandiose narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist’s responses are meant to evoke sympathy, rather than fear. They go for passive-aggressive manipulation, making themselves seem as frail, pitiful, and unloved as humanly possible.
Emotional blackmail.
Vulnerable narcissists will often feign fragility after a personal injury by saying that they aren’t in a good place right now and worry that they might harm themselves. They have no intention of actually doing so, but they give the impression that it’s a possibility to gain sympathy from the one who supposedly hurt them. It’s a form of emotional blackmail and manipulation, especially if they emphasize that if they do hurt themselves (or worse), it’ll be the other person’s fault.
*Note: An effective way of dealing with this kind of behavior is to notify emergency services that this person is threatening self-harm. Depending on where you’re located, they may be placed in a 48- to 72-hour psychiatric hold for their own safety. This type of evaluation and action is effective because they’ll either get the help that they need (if they sincerely need it), or trained professionals will call their bluff.
Petulant victim behavior.
When a vulnerable narcissist feels injured by another, they’ll often immediately put on the most hurt, betrayed face possible to show just how deeply they’ve been wounded. They’ll claim martyrdom, saying things like “After everything I’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’d treat me this way”.
They may reach out to those close to them to tell them how horribly they’re being treated, or tell the one they feel has wronged them that they’re behaving the same way their abuser(s) did when they were young. This is done to manipulate the person into behaving differently to compensate for their supposed wrongdoing.
Self-deprecation to receive praise or reassurance.
Since the vulnerable (aka “covert”) narcissist needs constant validation and reassurance from others, experts advise that they may turn to self-deprecation or self-directed insults when injured, to elicit positive responses from those around them.
For example, if their partner asks them to stop doing something that’s disrespectful or overstepping boundaries, they might say something like, “I guess I’m not good enough for you. I should have known, I wasn’t good enough for my parents/ex partner/etc either”. They do this in an attempt to force the other person to reassure them that they are loved and treasured, that it’s not their fault, and so on.
The silent treatment.
One of the most insidious tactics that vulnerable narcissists seek to regain control and power in an injury response scenario is to give the perceived wrongdoer the silent treatment. In their minds, they’re protecting themselves while simultaneously giving the one who supposedly injured them the opportunity to make amends — even if they did nothing wrong, they had better apologize and make up for it anyway.
If they respond to any verbal or written communication at all, they might say that they need to be alone for the sake of their own healing, so they don’t get hurt any further. Then they’ll ghost you for as long as they see fit until they feel that they have the higher ground again.
Final thoughts…
If you’ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse or mistreatment, you may be feeling uncertain about your own memories, thoughts, and emotions. It often takes an outside perspective to reassure you that you aren’t going mad and that your perceptions are completely valid.
It’s very difficult for a person to heal from prolonged narcissistic manipulation without support, so don’t be afraid to reach out to a trained therapist or counsellor for help if you need it.
