Conflict is normal between people, even if it is just a periodic disagreement. It’s not reasonable to expect two people who are enforcing healthy boundaries to never have their boundaries clash. It’s a totally normal thing that is actually quite good because it is in these times that we develop trust.
It’s easy to trust someone when that trust has never been tested. But when someone does something hurtful, how they respond is going to tell you a lot about whether or not they respect you, and their own level of emotional maturity. Still, you don’t want to go into a confrontation blind. If you need to confront someone, prepare yourself by doing the following.
1. Clarify what hurt you.
Before starting the conversation, you want to fully understand what caused you to feel hurt so you can clearly communicate that to the other person. Was it something they said, did, or didn’t do? What was the hurtful action? Why did it hurt so much, exactly?
There is a core reason for the hurt, and you want to be specific because vague accusations will only cause confusion. The clearer you are, the more grounded your words and emotions will be, and the more likely you are to have a productive conversation with someone.
As the therapists at Better Help remind us, it’s impossible to find a solution if you can’t name what the problem is.
2. Get your emotions under control.
Don’t confront the person while you’re angry. Instead, take the time to process your anger through journaling or talking it out with someone you trust. Entering the conversation calm and collected is far more likely to lead to a productive outcome, and it communicates a level of seriousness to the conversation that anger doesn’t.
In general, you want to avoid arguing or bringing up issues while you’re angry. Access Therapy shares that anger makes it hard for us to see a clear and total picture. A lot of small nuances get brushed aside because we’re subconsciously jumping to the information that is fueling the anger. It can become cyclical, fueling itself and making things worse in your head than they are.
I can attest to this from personal experience. There was a stretch of probably 15 years or so where anger made a lot of my decisions for me. I didn’t understand at the time that it was a symptom of other mental health issues going on. It’s not exactly common knowledge that anger is associated with depression, but it’s a common symptom for men to experience.
The thing is that people tend to stop listening when they’re being yelled at. Instead, they dig their heels in and fight back. They may feel attacked, even if you were the one who was wronged. I ruined too many friendships and relationships, pouring my anger into disagreements and stirring conflict because of it.
The truth of the matter is that you shouldn’t need anger to address a problem with a friend or someone you’re close to. In the best-case scenario, they will care very much about whether or not their actions are hurtful to you, and your anger won’t be necessary at all. It’ll just be a matter-of-fact conversation.
3. Consider their point of view.
You shouldn’t excuse bad behavior, but considering their possible intentions can help you approach the situation with empathy rather than hostility. Ask yourself, “Why did they act this way?” and consider whether or not their intention was pure or malicious.
Sometimes, hurtful actions are the result of random chance or bad choices instead of maliciousness. A bad stroke of luck or bad decision-making is far more forgivable than a purposeful, malicious action. You have to separate them, because you shouldn’t want to be repairing a relationship with someone who purposefully does hurtful things to you.
Someone who genuinely cares about you isn’t going to try to maliciously harm you.
4. Decide what the goal of the talk is.
You want to have an outcome of the conversation in mind. That is, are you looking to make yourself heard and mend the relationship? Can they make it up to you or fix the problem they caused? Do you want them to? Maybe it’s more serious than that, and you feel like it’s necessary to cut the person off completely. Are you prepared to assert that boundary?
Understanding your destination is helpful when you have the conversation because it removes some of the awkwardness. For example, if you want them to do something to make it up to you, knowing that ahead of time saves the awkwardness and anxiety of trying to figure it out on the spot. Be prepared.
5. Rehearse what you want to say.
Practice what you want to say a few times before having the conversation. Use “I” statements when expressing your feelings. For example, say “I felt disrespected when you…” It helps to reduce the general conflict and tension to use “I” statements. You want to avoid accusatory language. It incites defensiveness and serves no real purpose in this conversation.
Some people struggle with expressing their emotions more than others. You may find it helpful to have this bit of practice to figure out exactly what you want to say, when you need to say it. That way, you don’t have to try to sort through your emotions on the spot.
6. Anticipate their reaction.
There’s a good chance you can anticipate how they are going to react if it’s someone that you marginally know. You want to mentally prepare yourself if they get defensive, deny, or minimize their behavior. That way, you’re not thrown off-balance or have your emotions weaponized against you.
This would also be a good time to consider whether or not it’s safe to engage. If you happen to be in a bad situation or a toxic relationship, it may not be worthwhile to rock the boat while you’re trying to find a way out of it. If they could react violently, then you’re definitely better off not confronting them at all.
7. Choose an appropriate time and place.
The right time and place can make a world of difference in the outcome of your conversation. Don’t try to corner or confront them during a stressful moment. Instead, pick a calm setting where you both can give one another your undivided attention. Turn the television off and put the phones away for the conversation.
So many problems can be avoided with good timing. It’s much harder for people to be kind and understanding if they are currently under pressure or stress from something else. Patience wears thin, and you want to avoid catching the person at a moment when their patience is nonexistent.
Final thoughts…
At the end of the day, you’re speaking up because you’re enforcing your boundaries over an unpleasant situation. Regardless of what happens or the outcome of the situation, you need to remember that you are a valuable person. Not everyone can truly appreciate you the way that you’re meant to be appreciated.
Sometimes, people are just jerks through no fault of your own, and all we can do is accept that to move forward. Don’t let the outcome of this conversation be a statement about your worth or value. You are valuable, regardless of the outcome.
