It’s easy to accidentally build a wall instead of a boundary, particularly if you’re new to boundary-setting and enforcement. It’s an overcorrection from “I have no boundaries” to “My boundaries are so solid that they’re almost impossible for anyone to get through.”
And if you’ve been hurt before, then it’s tempting to want to build walls instead of boundaries. However, you don’t want to do that. Yes, you’ll be safe for a while, but you’ll be creating a new problem today that will be difficult to change in the future.
Instead of doing that, let’s look at some key questions you can ask yourself to differentiate between setting boundaries and building walls so you can avoid needing to learn how to let people in again.
1. Do you have different levels of boundaries for different relationships?
Psych Central shares that a boundary should protect your well-being while still leaving room for healthy relationships. Let’s use an example about information sharing here. Yes, you should keep your secrets and the things that hurt you most close to your heart. Not everyone deserves access to the deepest parts of you that few people will ever know.
However, if you want connection and healthy relationships, you will have to let people into that space. I am on the autistic spectrum and have the social difficulties that go along with it. In my mind, the way I approach this is by thinking of it like levels of access to information, in the same way that the government has different levels of top-secret clearance.
If you’re a friend, then I’m willing to share this particular block of information with you. If you’re a lover, then a different block of information is available. If you’re a casual acquaintance, then I keep it super light. That way, I already know who should be getting what information ahead of time.
2. Do you keep your boundaries flexible (within reason)?
People who are new to setting boundaries often struggle with just how strong to make them and how to enforce them. A boundary is something that lives; it needs to grow and adapt with a relationship because the relationship will change with time.
Yes, that is contrary to what you will read and hear a lot about boundaries. That they should all be rock solid! And absolutely concrete! That is true when you’re dealing with strangers or unhealthy people. But once you find healthy connections, you will need to readdress that boundary to see if it still fits.
What should happen is that you will see that person is trustworthy, and you’ll allow yourself to give them that trust and show them more of the more delicate pieces of you.
3. What is your emotional motivation?
The emotional motivation behind why you set a boundary will affect the way you view and enforce it. Forbes informs us that healthy boundaries come from a place of self-respect and clarity about your needs. They should not be made out of fear, anger, retribution, or to avoid past wounds.
Avoidance is something you want to be wary of. Some people erect a wall around their sensitivity, and then just kind of forget about it. They don’t go back and try to address or heal the wound. Instead, they let it fester and get worse because they aren’t addressing it.
And these lingering emotional wounds do get worse with time when left untreated. It is so much harder to address them later than it is to address them now. The longer you wait, the more of your life is dictated by the hurt of that wound for better and worse.
4. How will this boundary affect my relationships?
A boundary should strengthen the connection you have with those who respect it. The discussion and respect of boundaries should help bring you closer to people. You can tell when someone genuinely cares when they want to understand your boundaries, so they can best respect them.
On the other hand, you want to consider whether or not this boundary is just isolating you instead. Does it allow people to come close to you? Does it allow you to be known by others? Does it allow you to know others in a similar way? If it’s going to cause distance or isolation from good people, then it’s likely too firm a boundary and should be reevaluated to be a bit softer.
5. Is it clearly spoken?
A healthy boundary is something you can clearly speak with honesty and respect. A wall may not have those characteristics. A wall may be unspoken, passive-aggressive, or simple avoidance. It doesn’t do your relationship any good to “punish” someone for mistreating you by remaining silent.
In fact, it will undermine and destroy your relationship instead. You can’t let things fester, particularly if someone does something that offends or harms you. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to take your concerns or hurt to the other person, talk about it, and find a resolution.
You can’t do that if you’re not talking. The “silent treatment” is not a boundary. It’s a wall because it can’t resolve anything.
6. How does your energy feel when enforcing it?
Boundaries are there to keep you safe, happy, and healthy. A healthy boundary will leave you feeling empowered, lighter, and maybe a little more understood. However, walls may leave you feeling lonely, bitter, and misunderstood.
It could be a matter of the boundary being too strict, and it’s keeping people from fully understanding you. It could also be a matter that the boundary is not clear enough, or you’re not communicating it as well as you need to be, so it’s more draining than empowering.
Whatever the reason, enforcing a boundary should make you feel better. It may not feel good to be in that conflict, but it should feel better than the alternative after some time.
7. What is the response to conflict?
Conflicts are inevitable in every relationship. That does not mean that you are doomed to fight and argue. No, conflict isn’t always arguing or being angry. Sometimes, it’s just an assertion of a boundary that needs to be responded to. In a healthy relationship, conflict doesn’t mean the end of the relationship, assuming there’s not a deal-breaker at play.
It’s more likely to be a wall if the immediate response to conflict is withdrawing from the communication or relationship. If you feel unsafe expressing yourself, that’s a different problem altogether. You should never feel unsafe to express yourself in your relationships. If you do, that’s a sign that you probably shouldn’t have that relationship.
8. Does it improve or hinder your growth potential?
A wall can keep you locked into an unhealthy pattern, preventing you from learning from the situation and growing. For example, if you get into a bad argument with a friend and they say something unkind to you, it’s definitely reasonable to get upset about that. The question is, what comes after?
Well, in a healthy relationship, you should be able to bring that up to the other person and talk about how you feel. The other person should be receptive to your feelings and hear you out, even if they disagree. You don’t want to jump straight to cutting off contact or the silent treatment.
But sometimes we do need to take some time to cool off. You may need to take a little time and then come back to it. The important thing is that you’re able to come back to it.
Final thoughts…
There’s a lot to be said out there about boundaries, and much of it is written from too strong a place. The common knowledge is to not let anyone violate your boundaries, and cut them off immediately if they do! And, of course, cutting someone off might be the right thing to do, depending on what actually happened.
But, if it’s not worth ending the relationship over, you should be able to take the next step to talk about the situation and come to an amicable, respectful resolution that will strengthen the relationship, instead of breaking it.
