No matter where you look, you’ll find people who are completely freaked out about hitting middle age. The most common issue you’ll come across is them talking about how they don’t feel like the same person they used to be and how unnerving that is for them. They fail to recognize that this is an amazing metamorphosis that’s full of promise and possibility.
If this sounds like you, the key is to see this midpoint as an opportunity to rewrite your story and step into being the person you’ve always dreamed of becoming. And here’s how:
1. Sit down with yourself as if you were counselling your best friend.
If your best friend came to you in a panic because they didn’t feel like themselves anymore and didn’t know what to do about it, what would you say to them? When this situation has arisen with me, I’ve congratulated the person on evolving to the next stage of their development, rather like a tadpole that’s grown legs and can now tap dance on the beach.
As renowned psychologist Carl Jung has said, the greatest privilege we have is to become who we truly are.
Examine your self-talk to see what it is you’re focusing on that’s making you feel upset. Are you concerned about the physical changes you’re seeing because you don’t look the same as you did in your twenties?
My partner is in her late 40s and struggled with this briefly for a while because she had primarily been valued for her appearance for most of her younger life. Now, she places greater emphasis on who she is, what she loves, and what she can do. And she is sincerely appreciated by those around her for all of those things, rather than simply being objectified.
Find all the sore spots that are making you feel worried or concerned and re-frame them with a more positive lean. How much freer can you feel without previous constraints and expectations holding you back?
2. Make lists or diagrams.
I’m a big fan of lists, so I’m going to suggest making one for this situation as well. Journaling with prompts is great for this, too.
Grab a tasty beverage, some paper, and a pen, and write down the following:
- All the things you’ve experienced that have left an impact on you.
- What you enjoyed the most.
- What you never want to experience again.
- What inspired you.
- What you still want to do, try out, visit, and so on.
If you’re more of a visual thinker, feel free to turn this into a handy diagram instead. Essentially, you’re creating a map for your future so you can determine where to go from here. Authors do this when crafting a tale, and since you’re essentially rewriting your own story, you can take the exact same approach.
Once you have your list set out, you can prioritize the things you still want to do and then make actionable plans to make them happen. For example, if you loved the working holiday overseas that you did in your twenties, you can create a plan to get a temporary work visa elsewhere and work remotely there for a while to see if it’s somewhere you’d like to move permanently.
3. Identify your practical dreams.
Many of us who were always physically able had a variety of dreams when we were younger that we thought about pursuing, simply because they were still on the table. As we age, however, life circumstances can change, and so can our physical abilities.
For example, if you’ve always been highly athletic but have suffered a debilitating injury, windsurfing and breakdancing are now out of the question, but yoga and low-impact calisthenics might be a go.
Alternatively, let’s say you want to spend the next couple of decades in a career that you always wanted, but weren’t able to pursue in your youth. Determine what’s needed to get you there, and whether it’s a viable option for you. You may not have the energy or stamina to play live concerts at this point, but you can absolutely compose music and promote it online.
4. Let go of what no longer serves you.
Some pursuits that you imagined would fulfill you greatly are, in fact, chains that are holding you back and sucking the energy out of you. For example, you might be dead-set on attaining your PhD before a certain age, but you end up so stressed in its pursuit that you neglect yourself, your family, your health, and so on.
Is this really worth it? Is this going to help with an actionable job in the future, or simply a point of pride? If it’s the latter, then it can be done at any time instead of depleting and possibly disabling you in the process. As for it being an actionable job, how much time and effort do you think you could dedicate to that job if chasing this degree is exhausting you so?
There’s nothing wrong with recognizing that something no longer serves you because you aren’t the same person who set foot on this path initially.
5. Be ruthless about your possessions.
My partner and I have both moved several times and are therefore quite ruthless about our material possessions. We try to pare down all of our belongings to the bare essentials and eliminate clutter whenever possible. Sentimentality is great and all, but when you’ve been carting around items for years that you never use and probably never will, that just takes up space that could be put to better purpose.
It’s amazing how much lighter you’ll feel when you get rid of the detritus that’s been weighing you down. Donate the clothes you haven’t worn in 20 years and replace them with well-made, high-quality items that you love (and that will last you another 20). If you haven’t used something in the past three years, throw it out.
Think of it this way: if your house were on fire and you only had a few minutes to save what was important to you, what would you leave behind? Start there, and be ruthless about discarding the dross. This doesn’t mean that you need to live in a bare space, but rather only hold onto things that truly matter to you. Most of the stuff around you doesn’t, and is just adding to the tension in your life.
6. Cut ties with destructive or unhealthy social anchors.
Sometimes we keep people in our lives out of habit or obligation. Sometimes these might be friendships we’ve outgrown, other times it’ll be toxic people or energy vampires who only bring us down. Now is the time to cut these people out of your life if you can, or dramatically reduce contact if you can’t.
When I moved to another country, I quit social media and only left my email address with the special few I cared about. None of the unhelpful people who used to harass and message me on the daily made an effort to continue our relationships. When you’re out of their sphere, they stop thinking about you.
Most people are goldfish, but the ones who really care about you and want to stay in touch will make a point of doing so. The good news here is that when you don’t have many people in your life who have known you for years, you have free rein to completely reinvent yourself. Change your name if you want to, dress and behave in the manner that’s most authentic to you, and leave the past in the past.
7. Have confidence in your own abilities.
A lot of people try to stop you from pursuing your dreams or want to see you fail for the sake of their own comfort. Either they’re stuck in their ruts and resentful that someone else is freeing themselves from theirs, or they want to keep you around for their own benefit. As a result, they’ll try to tell you that you’re too old to pursue the thing now, it might be dangerous or expensive, and so on. Don’t listen to them.
Even if you haven’t been successful in some other life situations, you did the best you could. Furthermore, it’s likely that if external factors had been more positively aligned, you would have succeeded. Every so-called failure was a learning experience that led you to where and who you are now: a well-rounded, experienced individual who’s opening the door to an amazing adventure for the second half of your life. Feel confident in that.
Final thoughts…
Those who are trying to convince you that midlife is a crisis are those who can benefit from your insecurities. Pay attention to the messages you see, and note that those that insist that middle age requires invasive procedures or special equipment just happen to be the very ones who are selling those solutions. Imagine that!
Rather than being a closing book, middle age is a blank page that’s opening onto a new chapter, and you get to decide what to write there.
