You know when the people around you are committed to your happiness and success because they show you on a regular basis. They’re the ones who encourage you, ask how they can help, and are essentially your greatest supporters and cheerleaders.
Meanwhile, those who don’t put effort into showing their support may not simply be ambivalent: they may secretly want to see you fail for a variety of reasons. Keep an eye out for these behaviors in those close to you, as they may signal that they’re hoping and praying you fail miserably.
1. Naysaying you.
Is there a person in your life who constantly and unfairly puts you down or insults whatever it is you’re striving for or are interested in/passionate about? If so, they’re likely secretly hoping that you’ll fail in your endeavors for one reason or another. For example, maybe they want you to take a different path instead of the one you’ve chosen because they want you to do something different.
Many of us have come across opposition from those we thought were in our court when we opened up to them about the things we had been dreaming about. In some cases, these people want you to take the route they think is better for you, and if you fail at your own passions, they can gloat, say, “I told you so.” And then try to manipulate you onto the path they want you to be on instead.
In other cases, it might be that these people wanted to do the same things you do, but weren’t able to. According to psychology, it’s a common reason people enjoy watching others fail: if you fail at it rather than succeeding, they won’t feel so bad about their own missed opportunities.
2. Seemingly subtle sabotage.
Your housemate might “forget” to give you the letter that told you when your test was, so you miss the entrance exam to your school of choice. Alternatively, your parent might have a sudden emergency, so they can’t take you for your driving test as promised, and then berate you later for not having your license yet.
Essentially, they’re trying to hold you back or cut you down so you don’t have a chance to thrive. Therapist Dr Emily Mayfield advises that wanting to keep things as they are is one of the reasons some people want others to fail. These people want you where you are (or where they’d prefer you to be), and so when the opportunity arises to set you up to fail, they take it. Worst of all, they usually feel justified in doing so and will later mock or deride you for the very situations they helped to facilitate.
3. Playing the victim to undermine your efforts.
Those who don’t have the same willpower as you do may try to undermine your efforts by playing the victim, guilt-tripping you, and so on. For example, if you’ve given up drinking but your closest friend still gets drunk every weekend, they may try to guilt-trip you into having “just one” with them because they’re dealing with a bad breakup, or they’re depressed, and you wouldn’t want to make them feel worse by making them drink alone, would you?
This type of thing happened to me when I got sober, and also when I’ve adhered to a strict diet and exercise regimen. Those closest to me tried to convince me to drink with them to show support and solidarity, while simultaneously putting down my fitness pursuits because I “made them feel bad”. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
4. Aiming to talk you out of whatever it is… for your own good, of course.
Some of the people who secretly want to see you fail will try to talk you out of doing things you’re passionate about for the sake of your own good. Or so they claim. They might cite safety issues or the high probability of failure, and encourage you to take a different, safer route that they approve of instead.
A perfect example of this would be a parent or friend who always dreamt of doing the thing you’re interested in but couldn’t for one reason or another. Since that was their dream, they’re bitter and resentful about the fact that you’re pursuing it when they couldn’t. If you succeed, it’ll cause them greater pain, so they’re hoping you fail instead. That way, they can offer sympathy while revelling in schadenfreude instead of simmering with envy and resentment.
5. Attempting to take whatever you’re striving for.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve often come across people who got competitive with me when it came to the things I was striving for, and thus tried to get them before I could. This ranged from job opportunities to women I was interested in dating: someone inevitably tried to pull the opportunity out from under me so they could gloat about “winning” something away from me.
Even worse, if they couldn’t achieve my goals for themselves, they tried to deny me from getting them. This ranged from trash-talking me to the objects of my affection to spreading rumors about my unreliability to potential employers. If they couldn’t get what I wanted, then I bloody well wouldn’t have them either.
6. They take up the same hobby or interest.
A person who’s insecure or jealous about a hobby or interest you’re pursuing may try to undermine your efforts by doing the same thing, only better than you. Basically, you “made them feel bad” somehow (in their view), so they need to punish you by outshining you at something you love, or souring potential new connections you might make.
Even though they’ve never had an interest in your chosen pursuit before, they’ll suddenly throw themselves into it with everything they have so they can feel superior to you at it. Then, they might gossip about you to the new group or otherwise try to turn the group against you. It’s incredibly childish behavior from emotionally immature people who are seeking revenge for bruised feelings or perceived rejection.
7. Changing the subject or getting sullen when you talk about your pursuit.
When you try to talk about something that you’re striving for, this person might change the subject to something they’re more interested in. They may even seem sullen or resentful when you bring up that topic and might accuse you of rubbing it in their face or that you “think you’re better than them”.
They’re feeling inferior for whatever reason and can’t seem to bring themselves to be happy for you or supportive of your pursuits. Instead, they bring the focus back to themselves: their interests, their likes, and their pettiness, so they don’t have to deal with the reality of you succeeding where they’re falling short.
8. They don’t show up to things that are important to you.
For people who secretly want to see you fail, the insecurity they feel and jealousy about your potential success take precedence, so something will undoubtedly prevent them from showing up for events that are important to you. They might “get sick” and be unable to attend your wedding or graduation. Or get the date and time wrong so they show up hours late to your gallery opening or triathlon race.
Alternatively, they might manufacture a crisis that throws a spanner into your special day. For instance, your extended family might agree to show up for your business’s “soft opening”, but then suddenly have to attend to the family member who’s dealing with a mental health emergency instead.
Final thoughts…
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Some might try to maintain a good façade, so others think they’re sincerely nice people who truly care about and support them, but all it takes is a small issue to mar the surface to reveal the bitterness beneath.
While this can be disappointing at times — especially if you really care about these people — it’s a lot better to recognize it early than cultivate a deeper relationship only to be devastated later on. Just make sure to always follow your heart and do what’s right for you.
