If you’ve had more than a couple of breakups in your life, you’ve likely looked back on the relationships that have ended and wondered why you didn’t leave them far earlier. Most people do this because not only is hindsight 20/20, but the majority of us remain in denial for a long time and keep on keeping on even when things have been bad for a while.
In fact, when it comes to an unhappy relationship, those around us often clue into our dismay a lot sooner than most of us do, in part because we display the following giveaway behaviors.
1. They zone out in their partner’s company.
When a person is seriously unhappy in their relationship, they’ll often zone out when dealing with their partner — either directly or indirectly. They’ll disassociate and “find a happy place” in order to tolerate their partner’s company, especially if they’re saying or doing things that annoy them or make them uncomfortable.
My partner’s aunt does this when the husband she can’t stand starts ranting: her eyes glaze over and she just scrolls on her phone until he finally leaves the area. When asked, she couldn’t tell you a single thing he said — she zones out so fiercely that in her eyes, he may as well not even exist.
2. They subconsciously overcompensate by posting photos and positive posts about their partnership.
Your social media posts say a lot about you, and not always in the way you’d hope. A lot of people joke about the fact that you can usually tell when someone’s relationship or marriage is going to hell because they book special couple photo shoots and post the results all over their social media pages, along with inspirational posts about love and commitment.
It’s sad to see these because they nearly always indicate disharmony in the partnership, and just about everyone who sees them knows that the relationship is likely to end in the very near future.
3. They don’t make any effort to celebrate anniversaries or other milestones.
If you think someone might be having difficulty in their relationship, ask what they did for their anniversary or what their partner did to celebrate their birthday. They might make an offhand comment about how they “don’t really do much for occasions like that anymore” and then change the subject quickly.
Alternatively, they might say that they baked a cake for themselves and ordered in food, letting it be known in no uncertain terms that if they want anything special to happen on a date that’s important to them, they’ll have to take care of it themselves.
4. They engage in self-soothing behaviors (that aren’t always healthy).
Depending on their individual leanings, they may partake in a number of different self-soothing actions, some of which are healthier and more productive than others. For instance, one person might massage their own hands or gently rock back and forth, while another might overeat because that’s where their comfort comes from. They probably don’t even realize that they’re doing it, as they likely started these self-soothing behaviors to cope with their unhappiness.
Others might turn to various self-destructive behaviors for support, such as smoking, vaping, or drinking (alcohol or otherwise) to help regulate their heightened nervous systems. Someone who’s always clutching a hot cup of tea to their chest like a hot water bottle that’s keeping their heart from freezing over is probably not particularly happy at home.
5. They become increasingly jumpy or defensive.
Someone who’s unhappy in their relationship is more likely to get very jumpy or defensive at the drop of a hat. They’re quick to assume that anything other people say is somehow critical or otherwise negative, and will immediately assume the worst of whatever unfolds.
This behavior indicates that they’ve been subjected to mistreatment at home and have made defensiveness their second nature. These people likely have to be on their guard against constant criticism, cruelty, or accusation at home, and so that’s how they’ve started to respond to everything at work, with family and friends, when out running errands, etc. Anything could be a potential attack in their eyes, so they’re perpetually braced for one.
6. They avoid being at home by any means necessary.
Those of us who have been in unhealthy relationships (but remained in denial about it) have often found reasons to avoid being at home with both our partner and the elephant in the room that nobody wanted to address. It’s a common thing that people do when they know deep down that something’s wrong and needs to be sorted out, but maintaining the status quo is easier than confronting the issue and risking either discomfort or a breakup.
This avoidance can take the form of working late, meeting up with friends, running errands, or helping extended family members who may be dealing with health issues or personal crises. Essentially, if there’s an opportunity to do something — anything — outside of the house, it’ll be done.
7. They make snide comments about their partner to others.
Let’s say Jerry’s sitting down to lunch with his coworker Dan, and Dan pulls out a multi-tiered tiffin box full of tasty morsels that his partner has lovingly prepared. If things at home aren’t great for Jerry right now, he might make a snide remark about his wife’s lack of cooking skills or say he’s lucky if he gets a soggy PB&J sandwich from the old ball and chain.
Similarly, if Jenna goes out for brunch with her friends and they’re all talking about how great their husbands or boyfriends are, she might reply with things like “that must be nice” or “I can’t remember what that was like”, implying that Things are Not Great at home.
8. They wear more revealing clothing or otherwise try to get attention from others.
If someone is deeply unhappy in their relationship but isn’t fully aware of it (or is in serious denial), they may try to get positive attention from others instead. The reasons behind this can be twofold: their damaged self-esteem might get a boost if they find that someone other than their partner is interested in them, and they may be putting feelers out for a potential new lover.
Some people are more comfortable ending a relationship if they already have a safety net established to move onto when they do. As such, if someone in your social group is suddenly hitting the gym and putting a lot of effort into their appearance, that’s a solid clue that they’re seriously unhappy in their partnership, even if they don’t realize it yet.
Final thoughts…
Interestingly enough, many people realize that they’re unhappy in their relationship long after their friends, colleagues, and family members clue into that fact. This is because the power of denial is very strong, and people tend to get defensive and argumentative if those close to them dare to imply that they don’t seem particularly happy.
The sad reality is that nobody can convince another person that things aren’t great in their relationship: they have to come to that realization on their own, even if it takes years.
