It’s an unfortunate truth that many people aren’t born into loving, healthy families. Life is hard, and people are complicated. Trauma, life, and just bad choices can cause people to develop incredibly unhealthy (or abusive) patterns that they carry on throughout life.
If you’ve had no examples of what a healthy, tight-knit family looks like, how can you build one yourself? Well, it helps to understand what tightly-knit families do that keeps them so close.
1. They prioritize open and honest communication.
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. You can’t sweep issues under the rug and expect to have a happy, healthy connection. No. Instead, everyone needs to feel safe enough to share their thoughts, struggles, and joys without the fear of being judged or outright dismissed.
That can be a more difficult thing to do than you may realize.
It takes a lot of courage to be that raw and authentic. Many struggle with that because people are judgmental and sometimes mean. However, that’s not something you can do if you want to be and stay close with your family. You need to be vulnerable. It’s the only way to create any kind of connection.
2. They practice healthy conflict resolution.
Part of communication is healthy conflict resolution. If you put any two people together for long enough, they are going to clash. There will be a difference of opinion or perspective that sparks a disagreement between the two.
Many people are afraid of disagreements in relationships. However, it’s worth keeping in mind just how powerful disagreement is. First, it’s honest. It’s a good thing if your opinions are clashing with theirs, because it means you are both being honest with one another.
Otherwise, one person may just be placating the other, which undermines the health of the relationship and creates resentment that grows over time. As many of us have learned the hard way, resentment is a slow and insidious killer of relationships.
Resolving arguments and conflicts actually strengthens relationships, not weakens them. It’s a chance for all parties to show vulnerability, display trust, and take care of one another. Being the social animals that we are, your brain likes that.
3. They spend quality time together.
You can’t build a healthy relationship with someone if you aren’t spending quality time with them. Quality is the keyword in that sentence. It’s not enough to sit together in the living room, mindlessly scrolling your phones while a binge-watched series plays in the background. Granted, that time can be nice when you’re just present, but it doesn’t necessarily build the relationship.
It takes active interaction to build this kind of family dynamic. In my own family, that takes the form of game nights together, dinners, and gatherings at relatives’ houses. We’ve done things like gone to concerts together. But again, the important thing is that everyone is fully in the present moment and not distracted.
One rule that we’ve had for years is no cellphones at the dinner table. If you’re sitting down to eat, then you sit down to eat and talk to the people that you’re eating with. That was the purpose of the dinner, not to hide away in a phone while absently gnawing on an overcooked pork chop.
4. They have strong traditions and rituals.
That sounds a bit esoteric, but it’s the best way to say it. Tight-knit families generally tend to do things like celebrate holidays, or they have “rituals” that they do together to help promote bonding. A couple of examples may include a family vacation, reunions, game nights, or every Saturday we get together and go have lunch at that place we all like!
The important thing is that the family is getting together and spending their time and attention with one another. Activities where you aren’t interacting with each other aren’t going to produce tight-knit bonding. For example, watching a movie together is a nice casual activity, but sitting in silence isn’t doing much for your relationships.
In this context, a ritual is something you’re repeating. So, a weekly dinner or an annual trip are these kinds of activities.
5. They mutually respect and support one another.
Each family member’s individuality must be valued and respected. Our differences are what make us all unique and valuable. They are something to celebrate. Not only that, but differences also create new opportunities for learning and experiences.
Sure, you may not be super interested in a particular thing, but partaking in what your loved one enjoys doing can be a wonderful bonding activity. In fact, that’s just generally a good way to build friendships and relationships in general. Get excited about what other people are interested in, and let them welcome you into their world!
6. They share responsibilities.
A tight-knit family should want to make the load easier on one another. Everyone should be contributing because many hands make light work, and it eases the responsibility burden of the person with the responsibilities. No one wants to do housework and chores, so it’s great when others step up and help out.
Words don’t count for nearly as much as actions do. You can say that you love and value someone, and that matters, but actions carry far more weight. The fact that you’ll take the time to inconvenience yourself and help out says “I love you” more than the words can, for a lot of people. Acts of Service are one of the five love languages for a reason!
7. They face adversity together.
Challenges are much easier to face when you’re not going it alone. Of course, not every challenge can be faced with others, but when you can, it’s wonderful to have a family you can rely on. Life is always going to throw curveballs. Your best laid plans can be burned to ashes by a circumstance that you could never have predicted.
It helps to be able to spread out the responsibility, as well as having people to rely on when you just need support. You may not always have the right answers, but there’s a lot to be said for just being present for someone. Again, that builds so much intimacy and connection.
8. They offer unconditional love and loyalty.
What does unconditional love and loyalty look like? It’s supporting the people you love and care for when they stumble and fall. That does not mean that you should accept bad behavior, abusiveness, or other severe circumstances like that. What it does mean is that we accept when our loved ones are imperfect, and give them the space and grace to grow.
It doesn’t mean there won’t be anger or disappointment, but they won’t disappear. The family stands beside one another, where it’s just them against a problem.
Final thoughts…
Now, if you’re reading this and come from a family where kindness wasn’t common, this is probably going to seem like madness. Who acts like this? Well, a lot of people do at varying levels. Much of the way this list is presented as “in a perfect world,” this is how it would be.
But the world’s not perfect, and people are even further from it, so don’t expect it to be perfect. Don’t expect your loved ones to be perfect. Arguably, the most important thing to do is to choose to love your family members fiercely and hope they will return the same.
