You’ve probably come across several people who excuse their outdated (or even harmful) beliefs, perspectives, and behaviors as just being “how they were raised”. We were all programmed by our parents and caregivers in different ways, but it’s our choice as to whether we perpetuate their views and behaviors. It takes a lot of self-awareness, but it can be done.
By engaging in the little behaviors mentioned below, people can decide who they want to be outside of the influence forced upon them during their formative years. These aren’t major undertakings, but rather small, subtle actions that lead to extraordinary positive change over time.
1. Accepting the reality of their upbringing.
People who were raised in awful family dynamics often try to downplay or hide what they went through. Some do this because they’re ashamed to have grown up in that kind of situation, while others know that most of the people they meet will never be able to understand them and may judge them for it. But hiding things doesn’t make them go away.
It’s usually only through facing and accepting these parts of our lives that we can transcend them. For example, a person who was brought up in an incredibly racist family but became an inclusive, anti-racist, intersectional champion might feel shame about their past, but will acknowledge and accept what they went through to ensure that they never become like the people who raised them.
2. Questioning their own responses to things.
Children don’t just learn through parental programming, but also through observation. As such, they’ll often grow up responding to things the same way their parents did, and that includes negativity towards themselves as well as others. To rise above childhood programming, a person needs to constantly question why they respond to certain things in the way they do.
For example, if they look upon themselves (or others) and immediately feel negative judgment, they’ll examine where that judgment came from. They inevitably discover that it was due to parental influence in that direction, at which point they can make the conscious decision to think and feel differently. These little course corrections inevitably result in a person becoming completely different from those who raised them, over time.
3. Doing things that bring them joy.
As someone who was raised by a narcissistic “almond mom” who promoted disordered eating, I was programmed at a young age to feel shame any time I ate anything that wasn’t salad or lean protein. It wasn’t until my mid-40s that I allowed myself to feel joy when eating jam on a scone or a bowl of pasta without intense guilt.
It can be difficult to break free from shame-based programming, but little steps in that direction eventually lead to great progress. For example, one person might try lying in bed for an extra half hour on weekends and refuse to label themselves as “lazy.” While another may allow themselves grace in making mistakes while cooking or baking, and not call themselves “stupid” while doing so.
4. Exploring the things that were previously forbidden or condemned.
Years ago, when I was doing event management at a dance studio, one of our students came up to me smiling like she’d just won the lottery. For the first time in her life, she was wearing colors that she loved but had been previously forbidden to her because her parents deemed them “vulgar”, along with various ethnic slurs. Having distanced herself from her family for various reasons, she was breaking free of their influence with these little acts of personal defiance and felt immense joy from doing so.
Others who aim to rise above their childhood programming generally do things of a similar nature. They may read books that were forbidden to them, or attend services of a spiritual group that their parents condemned. By experiencing these things firsthand, they literally undo the bias and bigotry that had been forced upon them when they were young, and open their minds and hearts beyond measure.
5. Educating themselves about subjects they’re unfamiliar with.
This is similar to the example above, wherein people who were taught one particular version of events take the opportunity to learn about those subjects from different perspectives. For example, if they were taught one version of history by those who raised them, they may seek out written accounts of that history from the “losing” side, as well as documentation from neutral observers.
Similarly, if they come across a subject they’re completely ignorant about — possibly because they were shielded from even hearing about it in their youth — they’ll take the time to educate themselves about it. This is both for the sake of their own personal growth, as well as to show respect and courtesy to others by listening to their stories.
6. Responding, rather than reacting.
A reaction is generally a knee-jerk response to a situation based on previous conditioning, whereas a response is a conscious choice. Those who rise above their childhood programming catch themselves when they feel that they’re reacting to something unconsciously to prevent cycles from repeating themselves.
They’ll often retreat or do something else to regroup and think about what they feel about the situation, and then choose the best way to respond. Their goal is to find the best and most harmonious way forward for everyone involved, rather than staunchly perpetuating what they’d been taught was right and true.
7. Determining their own authentic leanings.
A lot of parents think they’re doing right by their children by programming them with the “right” way to think, feel, and behave, according to their own perspectives. Although they may think that they have their kids’ best interests at heart, the reality is that they’re taking away their children’s sovereignty and denying them the opportunity to determine their own thoughts and emotions.
It can be very difficult for a person to break free from this, as they may have never had the opportunity to explore what they think, like, or feel of their own volition. When asked, they look around for guidance on what they should be choosing, and may not have a clue as to their individual leanings.
As such, those who rise above this type of programming have to spend quite a bit of time figuring out who they are, on their own terms. This doesn’t have to be a grandiose undertaking, but can instead be done with little steps in that direction, such as trying a bite of cake and deciding for themselves whether they like it or not, or analyzing whether they’re listening to a song because they enjoy it, or because it’s simply familiar to them.
8. Self-kindness and compassion.
None of us had much of a say in how we were raised, and as such, we can often be very cruel and unforgiving towards ourselves when our immediate reaction or perception of something is a negative one. In fact, we’re likely far more understanding and compassionate towards others who experience similar internal turmoil than we are with ourselves.
One of the keys to rising above childhood programming isn’t to fight the current, but to let it lift us to the surface. We can take the time to look at our reactions with compassion, say “I am not the person who was raised to think that way”, and then move beyond them to become the versions of ourselves we’d prefer to be.
Final thoughts…
While in the process of rising above childhood conditioning, it’s important to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Even if the vast majority of things you were taught were incorrect, there were undoubtedly positive lessons in there as well.
For example, self-denial with regard to all pleasure is a terrible thing to learn, but the self-discipline involved in living without certain indulgences may be beneficial if you find yourself in difficult circumstances.
Be discerning during your progress, let go of what no longer serves you, and embrace tolerance, acceptance, loving kindness, and above all, joy.
