Social media is full of posts by people panicking because they’re over 40 and feel like they missed out on happiness. They think that life is essentially over at this point, so they might as well hunker down in a moldy old chair out in the woods and let nature reclaim them.
Considering that most of us will live to be 70 or 80 (if not older), we still have decades ahead of us to fill with all manner of joy and fulfillment. Here are some habits that can help you focus on building more happiness in your life:
1. Keep a gratitude journal.
Bear with me here. Life is hard, and often that means we get bogged down by everything that’s going or gone wrong. That makes it hard to see the good stuff, which is why we need to make the proactive choice to do so.
If you feel that you missed out on happiness, the best place to start might be a journal that allows you to chronicle all the things you have to be grateful for and happy about. Once you start writing about them, you may be shocked to discover just how many great things are happening in your world. Research shows it’s also great for your mental health and overall well-being.
I started doing this as part of my stroke recovery, and it really helped to re-frame my perspectives. For example, instead of being frustrated at the small number of things I had to build back up to being able to do again, I focused on all the wonderful things I’ve achieved so far, and how many wonderful opportunities I have to experience joy on a daily basis.
2. Create goals to strive towards.
The best time to start working towards a goal is yesterday, and the second-best time is today. If there’s something you’ve always wanted to do but weren’t able to for one reason or another, there’s no time like the present to start making it happen.
Have you always wanted to go back to school to finish your degree? Or maybe you’ve always dreamed of travelling to some of the countries you’ve been reading about for decades? Rather than daydreaming about these things, stop wishing and start planning instead. Determine what you’ll need to make them happen, and then put real plans into action to achieve them. No one is saying it’s easy, but even tiny, consistent steps can help you to turn your life around.
3. Let go of the things that may be holding you back.
This may require you to make some serious changes in your life, which might be difficult and painful to do. For example, some people spend decades with partners who drain them and make them absolutely miserable. And they only feel free to pursue their own joy if and when those partners either leave them or die unexpectedly.
If you’ve been stuck in a miserable relationship for a long time, with little chance of things improving, leave it if you can. We only have so much time to work with, and every day you spend pouring energy into someone who dislikes and disrespects you is another day of happiness lost. The same goes for a job you despise, a home you can’t stand to be in, or a lifestyle choice that causes you more grief than pride.
4. Place emphasis on positivity.
There’s an astonishing amount of negativity rolling around in the world, from divisive politics to fear about how the future may unfold. Instead of honing in on all the dire “what ifs”, focus on positivity and living in the present moment.
This also includes sleeping according to your own rhythms, and nourishing your body with the foods that suit your needs best, especially if you’ve spent years damaging yourself to suit other people’s expectations of you, or to earn value in others’ eyes.
Any time you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, keep in mind that it’s likely other people’s voices that you’re hearing: tell them to be silent, and replace their cruel chatter with positive self-talk and encouragement.
5. Prioritize spending time on things that truly matter to you.
Don’t waste your time on any pursuit that doesn’t fill your heart with joy, and that includes spending time with people who steal your light. For example, if you’ve been bracing yourself because you “have to” spend time with a particular social group, ask yourself why you’re doing this. If it’s out of a sense of obligation, let that go and prioritize people who energize and inspire you instead.
Similarly, make a point of doing something you love every single day. The world isn’t going to fall apart if you set the dusting and laundry aside for another day or two. Make a cup of something delicious and do that thing you’ve been looking forward to instead.
6. Determine what happiness looks like on your terms, not anyone else’s.
The rise of social media has caused a great deal of emotional and mental harm to a lot of people. They’re perpetually measuring their own lives against those of the images they see online. As a result, people who might otherwise have felt quite content with their lives may feel like they aren’t as happy as those who are homesteading and parenting eight children, or live-streaming their journeys through the Maldives, Bali, and so on.
Take some time to be honest with yourself about what true happiness would look like to you, and then see if you can try out your dreams to see how you like them. You may have idealized what something is like, only to discover that the reality is much more difficult and less glamorous than you imagined. Alternatively, if you go on a yoga retreat to Costa Rica and suddenly discover that you feel “home” for the first time ever, then that’s a solid clue that your happiness lies in that direction.
7. Limit your exposure to negativity about aging.
We are what we “eat”, and that encompasses the energy that we regularly absorb, too. As such, be mindful of how much time you spend doom-scrolling or interacting with people who are perpetual downers — especially if their unhappiness revolves around their own aging process.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that everything is terrible and you’ll never have a chance at true happiness if you’re wallowing in other people’s misery all the time. Yes, life can get more challenging for many people after the age of 40, but everyone ages differently. One 70-year-old might be running marathons while a 45-year-old can barely make it around the house without a walker. Age itself does not define you.
8. Experience a wide variety of different activities.
We like what we like, and we often spend the little free time we have available to us doing the activities that bring us the most joy. That said, we weren’t born loving these activities: we had to try them at least once or twice before we realized how enjoyable they really are.
If you allow yourself to try a wide range of different pursuits, you may discover that you have an intense passion for something that you would have never known about if you hadn’t tried it. Maybe you were always meant to be a potter or silversmith, or you want to spend the rest of your life leading scuba diving tours in Thailand. You won’t know unless you sample from the whole buffet, so to speak!
9. Be open to new possibilities, even if they’re outside your usual comfort zone.
Most of us have comfort zones that bring us immense comfort and solace, but they aren’t necessarily going to encourage confidence, personal growth, and development. For example, your happy place might be at home with your pets, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to find your dream lover, nor have transcendental, life-changing experiences there. It’s only when you step out of your comfort zone and do something daring that real change happens.
I met my partner when I was in my early 40s, after deciding that I was done with relationships forever. A friend of mine mentioned a volunteer opportunity in another country that offered room and board in exchange for garden/farm labor, so I bit the bullet and decided to take off there for a change of scenery. I met this amazing guy as soon as I arrived, and well… we’ve been together ever since.
Final thoughts…
Far too many people think that they need to have everything in their life sorted out by the age of 40, as though that’s the cutoff date for happiness and achievement. Half of my class in university was over 40, and at least a third of my friends only got married and started having their first children between the ages of 40 and 50. Don’t let the illusion of time, nor biases about age, keep you from pursuing the type of joy that your soul yearns for.
