Imagine some of the most embarrassing or awkward things you experienced in your youth, and now imagine being defined by that forever. That would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it? For a grown adult to have “second-grade pants wetter” or “college beer pong champion” on their CV?
Similarly, many people experienced really awful things in their past — either due to their own choices, or those close to them — but that doesn’t define who they are now. As such, those who refuse to let their past dictate their present or future often make the following behaviors part of their everyday lives.
1. They reinvent themselves to suit who they are now, not who they were.
When you outgrow a pair of trousers, you likely donate them or throw them away if they’re too worn out. Similarly, if a type of food that you used to love doesn’t taste the same to you anymore, you’ll stop ordering or buying it. The same goes for traits that a person has outgrown or that otherwise remind them of their past. Every time they outgrow or move beyond an aspect of their former self, they’ll change it to better encompass who they are today.
Both my partner and I changed our names from the ones we were raised with because of the negative associations we had with them during our formative years. Other people may change their hair color, or get tattoos or other body modifications done to make them as different from their former selves as possible. If they don’t recognize their past self in their current form, they’re less likely to be defined by that past version either.
2. They may distance themselves from people from their past who want to hold them back.
A lot of people can’t seem to grasp the idea that others change and evolve in time. They’ll see those they went to high school or college with and are shocked to see that they’re radically different, and may condemn them for it. Similarly, a person who’s trying to break free from their past may get frustrated with relatives who inform them of what they like, dislike, think, feel, and so on, because these people can’t grasp that they aren’t the same being that they were 20 years before.
It’s for these reasons that many people who refuse to be defined by their past choose to start anew somewhere completely different; to literally break the ties that bound them to the life they lived previously. You can’t become who you’re meant to be when others are holding you back and are seeking to keep you as who you were.
3. They acknowledge the past version of themselves, but refuse to be caged there.
Everyone makes mistakes, and some people make some serious ones (or find themselves in dire circumstances) before they have a chance to turn their lives around. A perfect example of this was an interview with Robert Downey Junior, which was meant to be about his Iron Man movie release. The interviewer kept trying to bring the conversation back to his alcoholism, time in prison, etc., despite being asked not to, and Downey finally walked out of the interview.
That isn’t who he is anymore: he’s left the past in the past, and those who seek to dredge up old information aren’t worth his time. Those who refuse to be defined by their past establish boundaries regarding what they are and aren’t willing to discuss. If others seek to push those boundaries, they’ll remove themselves from the situation for their own well-being.
4. They make daily, conscious choices to separate themselves from their past experiences.
Let’s say someone went through great difficulty in the past and lost their way by abusing alcohol or drugs for a while. Maybe this choice pushed their partner away, and they might have lost their job and much of their friend circle as a result. Somehow, they managed to crawl out from that particular abyss and now make conscious choices on the daily to leave that past version of themselves in the past.
When they’re feeling stressed or upset, they’ll go work out or do some journaling instead of reaching for a drink or other intoxicant. Similarly, if they find themselves in circumstances where they’re tempted to backslide, they’ll choose to remove themselves from those situations rather than risk temptation. And if they do slip up, because they’re only human after all, they’ll make a conscious choice to get back on track again, utilizing the things they know will help them.
5. When they talk about their past, they do it matter-of-factly, not through a veil of victimhood.
Some people who have been through a lot of difficulty make their past a fundamental aspect of their personality. They’ll bring up their past at every possible opportunity and use it to garner attention and sympathy from everyone they meet. They aren’t just defining themselves by their past: they’re forming themselves from it.
In contrast, those who refuse to be defined by their past might mention it (or answer questions about it) in a matter-of-fact manner, and then move on to more interesting topics. Yes, they experienced The Thing, and it was truly horrendous at the time, but that’s not where they are now: they aren’t the person in that situation anymore.
6. They stop seeking validation from those they used to know.
In the same way that these people may distance themselves from friends or relatives who try to keep them in the box of their past, they’ll also stop seeking validation from people they knew back in the day. For example, if they were keen on earning the admiration or respect of their school peers or superiors at work, they’ll stay away from situations in which they may run into those people.
Instead of getting validation and approval from those who knew them in the past, they’ll prioritize pride in themselves for attaining personal goals or making progress on vital self-work. Other people’s opinions of them simply don’t hold the same weight anymore.
7. They seek the lessons in their experiences.
One of the key things that people who refuse to be defined by their past do on a regular basis is to seek out the lessons in their experiences rather than complaining about how awful or unfair they were. Rather than ruminating on “why me?” scenarios, they draw back and look at what they experienced with fresh eyes and appreciate what they were able to learn through them.
The person who experienced intense poverty might have learned how to get really creative with cooking or sewing. Similarly, someone who’s experienced homelessness might have developed great self-defense skills or learned how to build effective camp shelters. There are always lessons to be found in any experience, even if it’s difficult to see them when you’re going through it. In cases like these, hindsight offers the best perspective possible.
Final thoughts…
Every moment of every day offers a person the opportunity to be the best version of themselves possible. As a result, those who may feel that they’re still defined by their past can choose to make small, conscious decisions that will distance them from everything they’ve been through.
The distancing won’t happen all at once, but will stretch and thin out with every action taken. Before they know it, they’ll be seen as who they are now rather than who they were then — both by themselves and those around them.
