The process of setting and enforcing boundaries can be so difficult when you’re a loving parent with a child you want to help. Many parents out there struggle to set those healthy boundaries, which actually impedes the development of their grown children, as well as making their own lives harder in the process.
At some point, you have to turn the reins of your grown child’s life over to them, so they can learn how to support themselves and do what adults need to do. Do consider these factors when you’re trying to decide whether or not you should stop financially supporting your grown child.
1. Are you sacrificing your own security?
As the experts at Kids First inform us, boundaries are so important for a child to learn consequences and responsibility. Parents without appropriate boundaries may end up sacrificing far too much of their own safety net and security for their adult child. It’s a rough time out there, and no loving parent wants to see their child suffer. In fact, for many, it will cause a deep hurt, and you may feel compelled by guilt and your compassion to bail them out of their bad situations.
Unfortunately, you can’t always do that, nor should you even if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, every extra bit of money going out is going to make your safety net much smaller. For those getting up in years, they may not have the same earning potential that they once did, so they need to be careful about how much of their money they sacrifice.
The other issue is that the adult child may continue their dependence on you if they know you will bail them out. They are not compelled to make good, thoughtful decisions and be responsible if they know you’ll always clean up the mess. If it’s a regular problem and they’re treating you like a human ATM, then it’s definitely a good reason to consider rescinding your financial support.
2. Do they have the ability to earn a living?
Wage stagnation is an issue that so many people are facing. In many places, you can’t even afford a two-bedroom apartment on a full-time salary because of how out of hand rent and bills have become with inflation. Your adult child may be working their butt off already, but not be able to earn enough to pay those bills. In that case, it’s perfectly reasonable to keep helping out if you have the means to do so.
But, if they’re working and earning well, there’s no great reason to do things like keep them on your insurance, pay their bills, or just give them money to live on. They need to learn how to handle the responsibility of living life, even though it can be incredibly stressful and difficult at times.
It may also be worthwhile to encourage them to seek out further job training if they aren’t earning well. Even offering to help them pay their way through school or training could be another way to help them get fully on their feet and stand on their own.
3. Are they making an effort toward self-sufficiency?
It’s one thing to help them out if they’re trying to help themselves. Like, if they are currently paying on their student loans, taking responsibility for their debts, or they’re otherwise trying to carry the load themselves. In that case, it makes more sense to help ease their burden a little and give them some breathing room.
However, if they aren’t, then you’re just encouraging them to continue to rely on you for support. You’re enabling them, and you need to stop. They should be trying to get a job, seeking training, or working regularly. That’s the life that every adult has in front of them, for the most part, unless you’re born fabulously wealthy or don’t care about having shelter and food. Even if you do have enough wealth to pay your child’s way, it may still not be a good idea; otherwise, they won’t learn the value of a dollar.
You can also try setting them goals by making equitable offers if you want to help, but you don’t want to baby them. For example, maybe you’ll contribute $1 per $1 they save, or pay toward an important debt they’re trying to work down, so long as they are making their payments.
4. How are your boundaries in the relationship?
Sometimes, unhealthy family dynamics can facilitate unhealthy behaviors. Psych Central explains that enmeshed relationships happen when a child and parent have crossed the normal boundaries of what constitutes a child-parent relationship. For example, my cousin was incredibly close to her mother, and her mother encouraged that by babying her and using her as an emotional support.
Not the kind of support one might expect from a parent and grown child relationship, but more like the emotional support one would look for from a close friend or romantic partner. A deep, not romantic intimacy that borders on inappropriate. Like, if my cousin went out on a date, her mother would ask intrusive questions about the date, person, and make comments about bedroom antics that you wouldn’t expect from a mother.
Anyway, their bond was enmeshed, and once my cousin moved out, things became very difficult for her emotionally because her mother was so latched onto her for validation and emotional support. They did not have a good separation, and it damaged their ability to be close. If you think of your adult child more like a friend or a best friend, that can create problems for them, particularly when they come around to ask for financial help.
5. Are they expecting you to give them your financial support?
Providing financial help encourages dependence, and when someone is dependent, they start expecting the money to come their way. That’s when it starts becoming a problem because, whether it’s money or emotional support, takers usually don’t limit how much they will take. Instead, it’s up to the giver to erect a boundary and say when enough is enough.
Entitlement is not a habit you want to encourage because it usually doesn’t stay limited to just you. Instead, that entitlement can spread to the workplace and other relationships where the adult child decides they should receive more than they are given. Instead of appreciation of a gift, help, or a hand up, their attitude may become nastier, especially when you cut them off.
People who are taking advantage of others usually get angry when the person they’re taking advantage of finally decides enough is enough and sets a boundary. Be prepared for that.
6. Are you being fair to other family members?
Money can sour relationships so quickly. In the context of the family unit, if you’re spending a lot on one child, your other children or even your romantic partner may start resenting you for it. If it’s an unreasonable amount of support, they’re going to be wondering why your child can’t take care of themselves instead of you carrying their load for them.
It can drive a wedge not just between you and your other kids, but also between your children. You have to try to be as fair and equal as you can with all of them, so that they don’t have a reason to be jealous and resentful of one another. The damage this kind of dynamic does is serious and often requires therapy to help fix the resentment and anger.
Plus, if there are negative situations happening, like the child being manipulative to get money, removing financial support may help fix the situation altogether. It removes that aspect of leverage that they were previously using against you. The relationship may actually improve by cutting them off.
Final thoughts…
The greatest consideration in whether or not to cut off financial support to your adult child is whether or not you’re okay with the situation. You don’t want to encourage dependence, but at the same time, everyone needs a little help sometimes. Are they grateful? Do they expect you to put yourself out to get what they want? Are they leaning too much on you?
It’s a good sign that you need to set some boundaries if you start feeling guilty and resentful over the help that you’re giving. That’s usually the start of a much larger problem.
