Authenticity is a beacon that lights up the darkest of nights and illuminates hope in the bleakest of situations. As someone who spent a lot of years burying my problems deep inside, I know firsthand how damaging it is to suppress the pain of not being okay. Trauma and pain don’t just disappear. Instead, they quietly fester, intensifying until they finally explode.
Personally? I no longer pretend that everything is fine when it’s not, and I encourage others not to either, because how else are you going to get the help you need? Instead, be authentic about your feelings, and consider these honest behaviors if you’re trying to be more open about your emotions.
1. They have the courage to admit when they’re struggling.
I grew up in a patriarchal environment where men didn’t talk about feelings. As Simply Psychology explains, the only acceptable feeling in that system is anger. I’m fortunate in that my parents didn’t enforce that on me. Instead, I looked around at the society I lived in, and that’s basically how we functioned. “Suck it up, cupcake. We got work to do.” “Man up. Quit your complaining.”
Shockingly, it wasn’t the greatest for my mental health. In fact, it fueled deep depression, mental instability, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation because I’m a human being, not a robot. I have emotions that need to be addressed, loved, and nurtured, even when they’re difficult – especially when they’re difficult!
That’s really when you need it the most. You just can’t get the support you need if you can’t admit when you’re struggling and need help.
2. They use authentic language instead of hiding behind sugar-coated words.
Have you ever used the words “I’m fine” when someone asks how you’re doing when you are most definitely not fine? In fact, you’re so far from fine that you’re staring into the abyss, just waiting for a change in the breeze to go off the deep end? “I’m fine” is not open and honest communication for a lot of people. It’s a way to deflect and not reveal anything too deep or personal.
And listen, I get it. There were a lot of times I did not want to talk about what was going on in my head. After a while, talking just seems pointless. You spend years and years and years dealing with the same situations, similar thoughts, therapy isn’t really helping, medication may not be working, and you experience no relief from sharing. So we say, “I’m fine,” and we keep it moving so they don’t ask too many questions.
That’s okay when you feel you need to protect yourself. However, you can’t do it 100% of the time. You need to be able to admit it when you feel safe and secure to do so.
3. They tend to challenge toxic positivity.
Psychology Today informs us that toxic positivity insists that we not only pretend that pain and suffering aren’t real, but that we deny that they can be entirely senseless or nonsensical. Some do it through active denial by just ignoring the negative, others do it by reframing it to try to be positive. “God has a plan” and “everything happens for a reason”.
It’s mind-boggling to me that some people can somehow try to construe events like starvation, genocide, assault, child abuse, and trauma as part of some divine plan of a benevolent God. They look to people who survive and say, “See! God has a plan for you!” completely ignoring that there are a lot of things that permanently change people for the worse. Not the best, the worst. And that’s just the people who survive. You aren’t hearing from the ones that don’t.
But I do agree that everything does happen for a reason, and that reason is that life is chaos, and none of us is so important that we can avoid suffering. You want to tell me that you think child abuse is part of a divine plan? Get outta here with that nonsense. Some things are just awful, and it demeans a survivor’s experience to suggest otherwise.
4. They are selective with whom they open up to.
Discernment matters when you’re trying to find someone to open up to. People generally aren’t all that emotionally intelligent. In fact, a lot of us are emotionally dumb. Emotional intelligence is a skill set, and while some people naturally have good emotional intelligence, others do not. Worse yet, they don’t bother trying to learn or understand.
Being authentic and honest doesn’t mean you have to be open with everyone. Not everyone is capable of holding space for you in your pain. Regular people can be too messy for that. Have you ever shared something deeply personal and painful with someone only for them to throw it in your face later? Yeah, that’s basically the end of that relationship.
That’s why you need to be discerning about who you open up to. In many cases, a counselor is your best option.
5. They don’t apologize for being human and having emotions.
The transition from suppressing one’s emotions to opening up and processing them causes a lot of difficulties around you. The people that you’re close to may know you as a stoic person, so when you start exhibiting emotions, it can change relationship dynamics. In my case, I started expressing my anger and sadness, which caused my partner to decide I wasn’t “manly enough” for her.
There were many times I had other people try to shut down my emotions, just because I was feeling things. I was always mindful not to put emotional labor on anyone who didn’t make themselves available for it, but that certainly didn’t stop me from feeling sad or angry at times when I didn’t have meaningful support.
Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I hide my humanity? If that makes you uncomfortable, then it sounds like you have work to do on yourself to accept that. And yes, it absolutely destroyed that relationship because my partner at the time was just stuck in patriarchal thinking, that a man should be an emotionless provider and workhorse.
6. They validate others’ real emotions instead of encouraging the fake.
Many of us are used to hiding our genuine feelings because we don’t want to be a burden, or we may not be in the kind of mental space to talk about it. However, an authentic person will encourage the people around them to share their genuine feelings because they understand how much it matters.
The only way to find peace in the darkness is to shine some light there. And the only way you can do that is by accepting and loving the darkness. I always let the people close to me know that they can talk to me if they need it. I ask them how they’re doing because I genuinely care, and I want a real answer, not an “I’m fine.”
Now, if I get an “I’m fine?” I’ll remind them that if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t ask, so if they’re not fine, it’s okay. And then I’ll leave it at that, because it’s not my place to pry.
7. They find strength in authenticity over appearance.
Many people are worried about looking foolish or weak. Authentic people don’t worry about that so much because they know that sometimes they will be foolish or weak. That’s just life, and it’s entirely okay if you let it be okay. Healthy boundaries will protect you. There’s nothing shameful about having painful, difficult emotions.
Yes, sometimes you can look like the fool when you’re living in your authenticity, but that’s okay. It models healthy behavior not just to yourself, but to the people around you. When we embrace the unpolished, unpretty pieces of ourselves, we are giving permission for others to be vulnerable, too. That approach to authenticity communicates, “You don’t have to be perfect or polished for me to accept you.”
Final thoughts…
Authenticity is a challenging journey when you’re used to burying all of the things that you don’t want other people to see. It’s okay to be sad, angry, or even happy and joyful. A lot of people have a hard time accepting or sharing their own happiness because they see other people in the world struggling, but it’s okay.
You are living your life, and your emotions matter whether they are positive or negative. Other people can either get used to it, or they can be on their way to make room for the people who will love and accept your authentic self.
