Do you love yourself? Do you love yourself fully and completely? What about the bad sides of yourself? What about the pieces of you that you don’t like? Can you love it? Can you own it? Or do you struggle with loving those flawed pieces of yourself?
I am writing the context of this entire article through the lens of my own journey with Bipolar Disorder, because I can assure you that there are many pieces of myself that I didn’t like then. Some I was able to heal, others I could only accept.
Let me share with you six things that made it much easier for me, that’ll hopefully help you, too.
1. Don’t apologize for existing.
People often shrink themselves by over-explaining or apologizing for simply being who they are. The problem with apologizing for existing is that the people who accept you for doing that are usually not the people you want to be around. Decent people don’t expect you to apologize or explain every aspect of yourself and your choices.
Now, personally, I did this because I thought that it would make it easier for other people to be more empathetic and understanding. Boy, was I wrong. No, what actually happens is the people who are not decent just make you feel worse about yourself, and the decent people just nod politely because they know something is wrong with you.
Not only that, but I also learned that some people are just committed to misunderstanding you. They just want to be angry, and if one of your perceived flaws justifies their anger, that’s what they focus on. They don’t want to understand; they just want to argue. The best approach for these people is to ignore them.
It’s just not worth it. Excessive apologizing is a maladaptive coping skill, and self-soothing in this manner doesn’t actually soothe.
2. Accept the shadow self.
What is the shadow self? As the Society of Analytical Psychology explains, the “shadow self” refers to a psychological concept developed by Carl Jung. It’s aspects of your personality that may not be socially acceptable or that are problematic, so they are rejected and hidden. Examples include things like repressed desires, emotions, impulses, or other traits that may not be socially acceptable.
According to Jung, everyone has a shadow self, and acceptance and love of that shadow self is an essential part of healing and becoming a whole, happy, healthy person. But how do you accept the shadow self? How do you love your shadow? That is a long journey, not something you’re going to accomplish overnight.
For me, I made the most progress when I realized that I could direct the flow of traffic. Meaning, I can’t stop what’s going on in my head, but I can detour it. There are things that go on in my head that no amount of lithium can fix. But I can redirect the traffic into a healthier, better direction, so it helps to empower me, rather than take away.
3. Drop your masks.
I struggled with showing my “true” self because my “true self” is considered dysfunctional. Not only do I have Bipolar Disorder, but I am also on the autistic spectrum. I have to wear masks; otherwise, I just can’t function socially in a world that’s built on neurotypical standards.
The issue is that so many people put on a performance based on the situation that they’re in. That’s not always a bad idea, because it may not be socially okay to reveal that which you keep hidden. But some people use masks to prevent other people from truly knowing them.
Being who you are is so important because people cannot genuinely like or love you if they don’t know YOU. They can fall in love with or value the mask that you put on for them, but that will eventually leave you feeling unhappy and disconnected, because you’re not really connected. They’re on the other side of that mask.
Authenticity can be raw and messy, but it is the path to satisfaction and happiness.
4. Speak the truth.
I went through a phase (if you can consider decades a phase) where I wasn’t always speaking or living in my truth. I lied a lot because I saw no value in myself at all. I felt like I had to be interesting to be worthwhile, to be worthy of friendship. I wanted people to think I was more important than I was, and maybe then I could value myself, too.
But that’s not the way it works. I, and you, intrinsically have value because we exist and we are human. That’s all that’s required, and it does not matter whether or not other people can see that. I didn’t need to be entertaining or important. I just had to accept that I was a below-average guy in many ways.
Don’t lie. Speak the truth. Speak your truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. In fact, that’s often the most important time for you to share the truth. It’s okay to set a boundary, admit you don’t know something, or say what you really think. Even if it causes issues externally, it settles things internally.
5. Celebrate your strengths.
So many people dim their own light to avoid jealousy or criticism. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become so tired of critics and pessimism. Especially nowadays, with the internet, where everyone wants everything immediately. You have reviews and evaluations coming out 15 minutes after something releases. No one even has time to contemplate anymore.
I’m going to quote an old, crass saying, “Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and they all stink.” What business is it of yours if someone is jealous of you? Or doesn’t like what you do? They aren’t you. They aren’t living your life, pursuing your goals, having your dreams, and ambitions.
And frankly, if they did, they wouldn’t be spending their time mocking people for being proud of something they did.
“I don’t want to be arrogant, though!” you might say. But as the experts at CoachHub share, the difference between arrogance and confidence is how a person views other people. Arrogance causes us to say, “I am better than these people as a person. I am superior.” Confidence, on the other hand, doesn’t take away from other people. I’m not better than you; I’m just really good at this thing here, and you are better at other things than I am.
6. Live by your own standards.
You’ll never fully belong to yourself so long as you’re chasing external validation. There are two types of validation – internal and external. Ideally, we would be driven by our own internal validation. That is, we do things because we want to do them, not because we need to earn approval from an outside source.
External validation is so problematic for good mental health because it means you have to make other people happy to earn the right to feel good about yourself. And…why? Like, why should I care whether or not other people like or accept me? If they don’t, fine. There are billions of people in the world, several of whom I would vibe with hard if I ever met them.
So, why should you care so much about earning that person’s approval? “Well, that person is special! And I want to feel special by their acknowledging me!” Fair enough. But have you considered that you’re already special, whether or not you’re acknowledged?
Final thoughts…
If you want to truly own who you are, you must be able to love and accept all of the things about yourself that you don’t like just as much as the good. Of course, that’s far easier said than done. Shadow work and accepting those parts of yourself require you to change the way you perceive yourself.
Remember, you don’t have to be thrilled that you have a shadow self, but you do need to be able to accept and love it. That’s the ultimate goal, and how you truly own who you are.
