There’s an old adage that states: “The gift you are given is not the gift that you received”. This refers to the fact that people’s individual perceptions shape their perspective on pretty much everything.
People’s perceptions about their parents’ actions towards them in their youth are a perfect example of this, and some individuals may look back at situations they experienced and see their parents’ actions as harmful or abusive. Many of these perceptions may be perfectly valid, while others may have been viewed through a distorted lens. Here are eight ways in which these perceptions may be reinterpreted in the latter case:
1. They have selective memories and ignore the wider context.
A friend’s now-adult daughter (early 20s) has been in therapy for a while, and wanted to address the fact that her dad had dislocated her arm when she was a small child. For her, this was a traumatic experience, and in retrospect, it affected the trust she had in her parents because she felt unsafe with them as a result.
Whilst this is a valid feeling, she didn’t have the whole picture. The full scope of what happened was that there had been a collision in an intersection, and the family car ended up flipped over. This daughter was unharmed, but had to be pulled to safety, resulting in her shoulder being dislocated. The problem is that she doesn’t remember any of that: only that dad had hurt her.
This is why it’s so important to look at situations in their entirety, rather than as isolated puzzle pieces that don’t offer the full picture. Otherwise, it’s like touching an elephant’s trunk and believing that it’s a giant snake.
2. Their understanding of childhood experiences changes as they mature into adults.
The contrast to the example above is one in which adult children only realize how damaging behaviors were once they’ve processed them from a distance. In my case, when I was 11/12, my mother woke me up night after night to use me as a personal therapist for her failing marriage, divulging details about her sex life and personal history that were completely inappropriate. I was then punished for doing poorly at school due to chronic sleep deprivation (which is actually considered a form of torture according to the Geneva Convention).
When I brought this behavior to her attention years later, she brushed it off because, apparently, I had been mature for my age and therefore “completely able to handle it”, and furthermore, she had helped to “make me strong” with that behavior. It was only when I was working with unhoused youth at a trauma center and was cracking jokes with my coworkers that they helped me realize just how damaging that situation had been.
3. They misinterpret their parents’ genuine intentions.
People are being raised very differently now than they were in the past. As such, some people may view certain behaviors they grew up with through contemporary lenses, which might distort their parents’ genuine intentions. An example of this might be someone who retroactively resents the way they were raised because their parents forced them to cook and clean at a young age.
In reality, their parents may have been teaching them vital skills that were considered age-appropriate at the time, such as how to prepare basic meals, recognize when something needs to be cleaned, and techniques for those cleaning tasks. They may have been acting with the best intentions so that their children wouldn’t grow into adults who have no basic life skills. Yet those who were taught these skills may accuse their parents of having “parentified” them with too much labor, particularly in a society where the freedom of adolescence seems to be lasting longer and longer.
4. Therapy and online communities may skew interpretation.
Therapy can be an invaluable means of healing for many people, and online communities may offer great support as well. The problem with these approaches, however, is that they often become an echo chamber: since only one side of the situation is ever dealt with, a person’s selective (or under-informed) memories may paint a reinterpretation that doesn’t encompass everything that transpired.
For example, your adult child may feel energized by peer validation, in which everyone tells them that their perceptions are correct without alternative perspectives of mediation. Similarly, they may encounter confirmation bias, which will make them feel that their perspectives are absolutely correct, instead of putting critical thinking into practice.
If your child has been discussing their experiences with others in online forums, they may feel “seen” and validated, and feel no need to take into account the contributing factors of their past experiences. This one-sided approach can be incredibly difficult for loving parents who did the best that they could.
5. They reach conclusions or make assumptions based only on part of the story.
I know a young woman who recently confronted her mother about how damaging it had been to her personal development to grow up with divorced parents. Her mother had left her father when the girl was just a toddler, so this young woman grew up being ferried between both parents, dealing with new step-parents and step-siblings, feeling that her mother had been incredibly selfish for uprooting her life.
Her mother had never spoken harshly of her father, and thus had never revealed that the reason she left was that she was being abused; that the girl’s father had choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her. The mother didn’t want to mar her daughter’s relationship with her dad, and had therefore kept silent. As such, this daughter’s perspective had been colored by her father’s insults about her mother, and her own experience as viewed through the eyes of a child.
6. They ignore the inherited or social context around past punishments.
This can sometimes be a matter of personal perspectives, which can differ greatly between generations — especially in a cultural context. A Boomer or older Gen X parent who grew up being slapped with a slipper might have done the same to their kid, as this type of punishment was normal for them. Their Millennial or Gen Z offspring, however, will likely break that cycle because we now understand that even “light” corporal punishment is harmful and traumatic.
Whilst this doesn’t make any harm or damage less valid for those who experienced such punishments, for many loving parents, it was a case of “you don’t know what you don’t know.” Yes, we now know physical punishment is abusive, but for many parents in previous eras, it was widely considered a normal and acceptable form of child discipline that was distinct from physical abuse.
7. They may look back with unrealistic expectations of their parents.
Many people have unrealistic expectations of how their parents were “supposed” to behave, often influenced by TV shows that depict parents who are always pleasant, supportive, and jovial. As such, many young people expect their parents to show them similar affection, support, and emotional validation. If they don’t receive those things, they may later believe that they were neglected or even abused.
Meanwhile, their parents may have grown up in a family (or a culture) in which people rarely, if ever, said “I love you”, let alone offered hugs or supportive pep talks. They may have been given plates of fruit to show affection, or had parents who motivated them to succeed instead of acknowledging their struggles. The adult child may minimize the ways in which they were shown affection and support, instead focusing on all the things they didn’t receive.
8. Choosing to parent their own children differently may paint their parents’ choices in a harmful light.
Practices that are considered healthy and normal today weren’t common in previous generations: each one learns from those that came before, in the hope of doing the best they can. This applies to parenting too, and many people are determined to avoid making the same mistakes, believing that they’ll be perfectly behaved towards their own offspring. Their parents likely believed the same thing and chose not to repeat the errors that their own parents exhibited towards them.
That doesn’t mean that your parents were perfect, and your adult children won’t (can’t!) be perfect towards their own children either. Parenting is incredibly difficult, and everyone slips up on occasion — saying or doing things that they later regret, or that they think are completely normal in the moment and are only perceived as potentially harmful in retrospect.
Final thoughts…
When tensions arise between parents and their adult children, it’s important to maintain compassion and an open dialogue in order to better understand one another. Listen to each other, try to avoid getting defensive or dismissive, and instead try to validate personal experience on both sides.
With each individual bringing details to light, the full picture — including intention and previously unspoken details — can give the perspective necessary for everyone to feel seen, respected, and understood. This may provide an invaluable foundation to rebuild damaged relationships and move forward with greater love, kindness, and understanding.
