You’re probably familiar with the concept of boiling a frog. It’s the idea that it’ll sit happily in water that’s slowly being brought to a boil because the temperature increase is so gradual that it acclimates as it’s happening. That frog would likely hop out of the pot if it suddenly became aware of its predicament, but while it’s basking in that cozy warmth, it doesn’t realize the harm it’s experiencing.
The same goes for relationship blind spots: we often aren’t fully aware of issues until they become too big to ignore. Here’s how to identify them and avoid falling into that trap.
1. Examine what’s being avoided or unsaid.
Quite often, it’s the issues that are being skirted around or avoided (intentionally or subconsciously) that can reveal where issues lie. As such, it’s even more important to pay attention to what isn’t being said, as it is to be aware of issues that are consciously raised.
For example, you might wake up one day and realize that you and your partner haven’t been physically intimate for some time. You haven’t raised the subject, nor have they, so you aren’t quite sure how you got to this point. The fact that neither of you has brought it up implies that it’s a blind spot that should be addressed sooner rather than later, so it doesn’t grow into an even bigger problem.
2. Acknowledge feelings of anger or resentment that arise.
If you’re feeling waves of irritation or resentment that seem to come from nowhere, it’s likely due to unexpressed needs not being met, or unestablished boundaries being overstepped. You may not have even been aware that these things bothered you or needed to be addressed, as you tamp down the unwanted emotional responses when they rear up.
One of the greatest quotes I have ever heard came from a psychologist with regard to relationship breakdown. She said, “The person who is shocked at a relationship ending is the person whose needs were always met”. This struck a chord rather deeply and perfectly described how two of my long-term relationships ended.
Resentment and anger over unmet needs will only build up if they aren’t addressed, and people can only work together to fix issues once they’ve been acknowledged and brought out into the open.
3. Be aware of your instant judgments or knee-jerk reactions.
Quite often, the things that irritate us the most in other people are traits or behaviors that we dislike in ourselves. It’s a type of projection that’s common in relationships, and as a result, it’s important to pay attention to negative responses that arise with regard to your partner.
For example, if you get upset because they never replace the toilet paper or they use up things in the fridge and put empty containers back, ask yourself if you’re guilty of doing the same thing. Similarly, take note if they express irritation towards you for doing things that they do on a regular basis. These are opportunities for both of you to change the little habits that may become bigger problems if they remain unaddressed.
4. Encourage your partner to be honest about any words or actions that unintentionally hurt them (and vice versa).
One of the things I treasure most about my partner is how open we can both be about things that may hurt or upset us. If we feel triggered or saddened by a particular turn of phrase, we can discuss that and explain why it’s upsetting. From there, we can make a conscious effort to avoid repeating that behavior in the future.
More often than not, it’s an innocuous comment or action that isn’t meant with any malice, but is interpreted as hurtful due to previous experiences from past relationships. Remaining silent about these little cuts would leave us open to further injury, whereas addressing things when they upset us helps to avoid those little wounds so they don’t fester.
5. Re-examine your individual responses to “nagging” behavior.
If you and your partner find yourself repeating the same requests about issues, or get upset because the other person is always asking or harping on about the same old thing, that’s a solid sign that the issue isn’t being addressed effectively.
For example, if one of you is upset about being nagged for leaving clothes on the floor, or another keeps getting upset about always being the one to wash the dishes, then determine why that is. Does one of you have an aversion to dishwashing? Can you trade chores? Is there not a laundry hamper available for clothes that need washing? Address the issues causing the “nagging”, and you’ll fix an issue that neither of you may have even been aware of.
6. Pay attention to changed behavioral patterns.
If your partner has always done a particular thing but has recently stopped doing so, then there’s a reason for that. Rather than going with the flow and avoiding the topic, address it so you can find out what the underlying intention is. For example, if your partner has always kept the kindling box well stocked with wood but hasn’t done it lately, it could be because he’s in pain somehow and hasn’t wanted to own up to that.
Alternatively, one of you may be falling back into old habits from previous relationships rather than having learned from them. My last partner repeated the same patterns with all of his exes: he’d be the best partner ever for a while, but over the course of a few years, he’d shift his various responsibilities onto his partners one by one until we were essentially carrying him like his mother, rather than his wife or partner. Each one ended up leaving him, but he never changed his ways.
The only way to stop cycles from repeating is to address them and be proactive about not making the same mistakes in the future.
7. Determine incompatibilities in how you deal with conflict.
People aren’t born with innate conflict resolution skills. It would be great if we were, but the reality is that we learn how to deal with conflict first from our parents, and then from our peers. As such, we may learn different approaches for dealing with issues based on what we observed — and were taught — in our youth. If you and your partner grew up in very different environments, your approaches to conflict may differ greatly, creating a blind spot that neither of you really knows how to negotiate.
For example, let’s say you grew up in a family where people screamed or gave each other the silent treatment and kept bringing up past hurts indefinitely. In contrast, your partner may have grown up in a supportive home where issues were addressed calmly and lovingly for the best resolution possible. These clashing conflict resolution styles will undoubtedly cause problems if they aren’t identified and worked through.
Final thoughts…
These approaches are very similar to looking over your shoulder to check your blind spot when you’re driving or cycling. By taking these actions, you have the opportunity to become aware of things you wouldn’t have seen otherwise. From there, you can take the best actions possible to ensure that everyone remains safe and content.
Quite often, it’s by addressing the little issues as early as possible that you can avoid serious problems later on. That way, you don’t need to fix something that’s broken: you’ve protected it before anything truly damaging could unfold.
