We know that a lot of relationships break down due to internal strife. Arguments, misunderstandings, differences in personal perspectives, and disrespectful behaviors are just a few of the factors that can destroy a partnership.
These are the things that many therapists focus on, but several external issues can also annihilate relationships that would otherwise be perfectly good if those things didn’t interfere with them. The ones listed here are some of the most common and can also serve as umbrellas for others that fit into similar categories.
1. Individual pursuits, including obsessions.
People change over time, and so do our personal interests. Those who get together with their partners in their twenties may be surprised to discover how much their relationships change when they hit middle age. Suddenly, one or both partners may have a shift in perspective and want to pursue different things. For example, one partner may get obsessed with a particular interest of theirs and suddenly prioritize it above the relationship.
It’s great to be passionate about a pursuit or hobby, but when it takes precedence over your partner and your domestic responsibilities, that becomes a problem. Constantly letting your partner know that they’re second or third on the totem pole behind your niche interest can destroy even the most sincere relationships.
I know someone whose marriage broke down due to her partner’s sudden, obsessive interest in a particular hobby: he put them into massive debt by redirecting funds from rent and credit card payments to buy supplies, while simultaneously neglecting her and his own responsibilities around the house.
2. Differing career paths.
Life with a loving partner can be the easiest thing in the world if your careers are well aligned. If you’re working similar hours and earning a similar income, you work harmoniously in a shared rhythm. This gets shaken up, however, if you’re working split shifts or if one of you gets a big promotion while the other is struggling to remain employed.
Split shifts and different working times offer few opportunities for you to connect with your partner in a loving or meaningful way. What was passionate and fun often turns to obligation, and what little downtime you do have is resented by the partner who has to get some sleep before the next shift.
Issues can also arise if respective career paths go against each other’s morals. For instance, if one partner is a die-hard environmentalist and the other partner — who’s been out of work for years — suddenly gets a job in the oil industry, that might create a rift between them that they can’t negotiate.
3. Dependents
Most people probably don’t want to hear about things from this perspective, but it needs to be addressed. Countless relationships fall apart when dependents are added into the picture — whether those dependents are children, overly demanding pets, or extended family members who need a significant amount of care. It’s a sad reality that your “couple” time will get continually disrupted if kids are shrieking, dogs are barking, or high-needs/elderly relatives enter the arena.
This goes beyond intimacy and intrudes upon everything from meal planning to furniture assembly. What would normally have been a fun (or simply necessary) endeavor is now a massive hurdle to overcome, with great frustration and even anger. Furthermore, the couple’s wants are perpetually put on the back burner in favor of the dependent’s constant needs. You can forget about having a healthy, happy relationship if your in-laws move in, or if you decide to have kids before you’re both ready to do so.
4. Health issues.
Health problems are difficult for any individual to navigate, but they can wreak havoc on what’s otherwise a perfectly good, solid relationship. Nobody wants to come down with a chronic illness or long-term injury, and it’s as difficult for them to no longer be the person their partner chose as it is for their partner to deal with their care.
The one who’s suffering may fall into depression and need to be financially supported until they can either get back to work or get disability benefits. This places immense pressure on the other partner. Alternatively, although people sincerely want to help their loved ones when they’re ill, having to constantly output in this regard even when they’re feeling tired and worn thin can end up flattening any relationship. Much like healthcare providers, they may get compassion fatigue and disassociate emotionally, creating a rift between them and their spouses that can’t be mended.
5. A needy social circle.
If there are people in your life who are constantly demanding your time and attention, that can gnaw away at even the healthiest relationships. You may sincerely want to help those around you with their numerous needs and personal issues, but those needs will keep intruding upon your time with your partner. If you’re repeatedly canceling important commitments with your partner to help others, they’ll interpret this as your friends or immediate family members being more of a priority in life than they are.
Another important thing to take note of here is that those people may be intentionally interfering with your relationship due to jealousy. Alternatively, although you feel that you’re obligated to help this person (or these people), you may be using your friends’ problems as a way of avoiding your own, or getting out of doing a thing with your partner that you didn’t really want to instead of communicating that to them in a healthy, responsible manner.
6. An incompatible living arrangement.
A space that doesn’t support both of you can rapidly lead to all kinds of friction within a partnership. For example, a musician who needs to practice a piece of music, who lives in a one-room loft with an aspiring yoga instructor, could be a recipe for disaster. The musician will probably be alright with the arrangement, but the yoga trainee will constantly feel at odds with the discordant, repetitive interruptions.
At the other end of this spectrum is a couple forced to live at a great distance from one another. For instance, if one partner suddenly needs to work in another country for a protracted period of time, or has to help take care of aging relatives several states away.
This can be a death sentence to many relationships and is often a true test of the couple’s commitment to one another. The strain of not seeing each other on a regular basis, as well as the fear of what could potentially happen to the relationship in their absence, is often enough to cause both parties to go their separate ways.
7. Interfering family.
Few things can damage an amazing relationship quite like family members who can’t stop themselves from interfering. This meddling can take a number of different forms, from subtle snide remarks to downright sabotage. One set of parents may take issue with the partner’s religion or cultural background, or feel that they aren’t “good enough” for their offspring. They’ll make cutting comments at family events, and may even create “emergencies” to manipulate their adult child into rushing to be with them instead of their spouse.
Alternatively, any family member may take it upon themselves to drop by at will and try to dominate the relationship. If their adult child takes their side and doesn’t defend their partner, or remains silent to “keep the peace”, their partner will usually see this as a betrayal and seek to end things, even if they’d been going well beforehand.
8. Financial changes.
Even the healthiest relationship can take a major downturn when and if financial issues arise. Job loss, economic downturn, and a rising cost of living can place immense strain on a couple that’s already struggling financially. They may have been getting on just fine, but suddenly they have to decide whether to pay rent or buy food.
At the other end of the spectrum is resentment if one of the partners is suddenly making a lot more money than the other. Suddenly, there may be a change in relationship dynamics wherein the wealthier partner will feel that they have a right to have more of a say in things, or that their partner needs to do more housework since they’re earning more money.
Final thoughts…
The thing about all the factors listed here is that they don’t have to spell the end of a relationship. If the people involved care enough to negotiate things together, any of these can be overcome — the key is respect, compromise, and compassion for one another.
There are always options available to those who are committed to each other, whether boundaries need to be set with friends and family, or they move somewhere more affordable so finances aren’t as much of an issue. If the relationship truly matters, a way through can be found.
