The idea that relationships are so difficult is largely rooted in a lack of knowledge about how to be a good partner in a relationship. The internet is flooded with terrible takes, manipulation, gaslighting, and rage-bait. These influencers and advice-givers don’t want you to be happy, because then you’ll keep coming back for more.
To have an intimate relationship with another person, you have to be made aware of the hidden behaviors that push other people away. It’s about developing emotional intelligence. Let’s look at six hidden behaviors that are making your relationships harder than they need to be.
1. You minimize your partner’s emotions instead of validating them.
Everyone processes their emotions in different ways. There are some of us who have been conditioned to suck it up and keep moving forward. But there are others who need space to feel their emotions so they can fully process them. Conflict arises when you aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to identify the difference. As Psychology Today shares, this is called “holding space,” and it’s a fantastic skill to develop.
I am one such person who needed to learn how to hold space. I am a straight white man, and my social conditioning taught me to minimize my own feelings to perform the role expected of me in society. I was not emotionally intelligent enough to understand that doing that was harmful, nor was I intelligent enough to understand that I should not impose that method of thinking on others.
I was under the impression that if something wasn’t life or death, then it wasn’t worth giving too much emotional space to. After all, I’ve got work to do. Right? But once I got into romantic relationships, it didn’t occur to me how different it would be for my partners. I had to learn that I didn’t need to judge what my partner had going on when she was sharing something with me.
I just needed to listen to her talk, which gave her space to figure out her own thoughts and feelings without my trying to fix it for her. That is a subtle gesture of respect, that I cared enough about her to create the space for her to freely express herself. However, if I minimized her feelings by saying things like, “It’s not that big of a deal” or just providing solutions, then I’m communicating that I don’t care about providing a safe space for her vulnerability.
2. You raise your defenses instead of showing your vulnerability.
It’s common to want to raise your defenses when you start feeling vulnerable. As the therapists at UnityPoint Health share, for many, it’s a trauma response they had to develop to keep themselves safe from people who claimed to love them but treated them terribly. Though these kinds of defenses may have helped you survive a traumatic relationship or childhood, they will absolutely destroy a healthy relationship.
Defensiveness may be a habit that you need to break. It’s only in vulnerability that we develop connections that will evolve into deep relationships. Defensive behaviors like this include the silent treatment, brushing off negative feelings with “I’m fine. It’s fine.”, or not speaking up when you feel hurt.
You have to be willing to open up your armor to let other people see, experience, and love the real you. A healthy person will respect and love that vulnerability.
3. You focus on keeping the peace by avoiding small conflicts.
Small conflicts happen. We are all just flawed, imperfect people attempting to move through this life as best as we can. Sometimes, a small conflict may arise, and you realize that hey, maybe it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be, so you brush it aside. Emotions can be messy, and people sometimes overreact to nonsense. That is a thing that happens.
However, that can go too far, because small conflicts can build into much larger problems and resentments when left unaddressed. Resolving these smaller conflicts helps you build connection with others because you’re both communicating your needs, your feelings, and hopefully coming to an amicable conclusion.
Yes, it’s true that not every small battle is worth fighting, particularly if it’s a character quirk. But some are. I can give you an example. I have two ice trays in my freezer. I always take ice out of the one on the right. When it’s empty, I refill it, move the other tray from the left to the right, and put the newly filled tray in its place. That way, I always have ice.
My previous partner, however, would just take ice out of whichever tray she grabbed. Because of that, there were times when there wasn’t enough ice or both trays wouldn’t be frozen enough. On the surface, that seems like a non-issue. Beneath the surface, I like my drinks cold, so I want ice in all of my drinks.
It was a small conflict, but it was actually a bigger deal to me because it disrupted my process and expectations. To me, it was a matter of respect for my comfort. As someone diagnosed on the autistic spectrum, disruption in my routines and expectations causes disruptions in my brain. I completely understand that this is a small conflict for most people, but it was a bigger one for me.
4. You assume intentions instead of asking for clarification.
Making assumptions will poison and undermine your relationships. You do not want to go into a situation assuming the intentions of others’ actions. Our actions are sometimes driven by so many different circumstances that there isn’t a clean line between cause and effect. Just because something appears one way, doesn’t mean that’s what it actually is.
By assuming, you run the risk of being wrong. When you’re wrong in a situation of conflict, it can break down communication and cause a bigger rift than necessary. Not only that, but it’s subtly communicating that you don’t understand where the other person is coming from, and you don’t necessarily care.
Those feelings cause people to close off and stop talking. Once communication breaks down, the relationship usually isn’t too far behind.
5. You constantly wait to be invited instead of reaching out.
Some people think they are being polite by not reaching out to other people to invite them to things or ask how they’re doing. Others don’t want to be a bother or impose themselves on anyone else. The problem is that this can be interpreted as you not being interested or invested enough in that person to make the effort.
That’s extra problematic nowadays, where so many people just flake on things because they don’t feel like doing them. You can’t wait around to do things when you feel like doing them. If everybody did that, then no one would get anything done. What’s the likelihood that you’re going to want to do the thing at the exact same time that your friend or romantic interest does?
Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and go anyway. Otherwise, we just slowly drift apart from our friends and loved ones as our busy lives drain us of all of our energy, and have us not wanting to do anything.
6. You overexplain yourself instead of actively listening.
Active listening is an important skill to develop because it helps build connection. Sometimes, when we make a mistake, we feel compelled to try to overexplain our reasoning for why we made the choice that we did. It may be that you feel completely justified in making the decision that you did, because you made the best decision you could with the information that you had.
The problem is that our intentions and efforts don’t always land the right way. If you get too wrapped up in explaining yourself, you may find that you’re not listening and receiving what the other person is feeling. If they feel hurt or offended, then you need to understand why, so you can determine if it’s a boundaries issue, a miscommunication, or if you were just wrong.
People who can’t receive information without needing to explain it all away are missing out on an opportunity to strengthen that connection. Every relationship has conflict in it. It’s going to happen sooner or later. The way you handle conflict is going to determine just how close and connected you can be.
Final thoughts…
Emotional intimacy is a learned skill, and it’s an important one to choose. You have to choose to set your ego aside to walk into challenging emotions and difficult situations. There are so many subtle habits that we can pick up from surviving life that can cause us to isolate ourselves by accident. Take the time to deconstruct them. All of your relationships will be better for it.
