Emotional intelligence involves being able to recognize, understand, and regulate your emotions when it comes to various relationships. It also refers to one’s ability to recognize what others are feeling, read unspoken social cues, and behave accordingly.
Those with low emotional intelligence often struggle with their relationships, whereas those with high emotional intelligence tend to thrive in them. If you exhibit any of the traits listed below, your emotional intelligence is likely contributing to strong, healthy friendships and partnerships. And if you don’t exhibit these traits, the good news is that emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re born with: it’s a skill that can be learned, just like any other.
1. You adapt your communication style based on who you’re speaking with.
Part of emotional intelligence involves recognizing what is and is not the correct tone or parlance for different audiences. For example, using the same tone and language you’d use with your peers at work or in higher education wouldn’t work with a child, or with someone who isn’t fluent in your language.
Psychology Today advises that far from making you phony, knowing how to adapt your communication style to suit every interaction is immensely beneficial for all of your relationships. It allows you to meet people on their own level without seeming condescending or arrogant, and instantly makes others comfortable in your company.
2. You pause, reflect, and respond instead of reacting.
Being able to really hear what others are saying and validate their perspectives and feelings instead of dismissing them outright is immeasurably helpful for any type of relationship. Experts advise that this is where the power of the pause comes in.
When others speak to you, emotional intelligence allows you to take the time to pause and reflect upon what they’ve said before responding in the best way possible. Rather than only half-listening and then offering a knee-jerk reaction to what you think you heard.
This tells the people in your life that you care about and respect them. Furthermore, you also validate and respect your own thoughts and emotions. When discussing difficult topics with others, you can express yourself in a calm, respectful manner, which invariably leads to resolution and healthy forward momentum. This is the approach that my partner and I use with one another, which invariably leads to healthier, more supportive exchanges and a stronger relationship overall.
3. You ask how you can support others through difficulty instead of assuming they want the same responses you’d prefer.
Many people who are trying to empathize with and support those they care about end up treating them the way they themselves would want to be treated, which can lead to terrible outcomes if the other person isn’t wired the same way.
For example, my partner and I are both very solution-oriented and we’ve run into difficulty with friends or exes who wanted to be soothed and comforted, rather than offered advice. This has been a lesson in empathy and emotional intelligence for both of us over the years.
As you empathize with those who are going through difficulty, emotional intelligence means asking them how you can best support them rather than doing for them what you’d like others to do for you. If they’re looking for a solution, you’ll offer one. Similarly, if they just want you to sit quietly with them and share some tea in companionable silence, you’ll be their sentinel.
4. You know how to de-escalate tension when conflicts arise.
Misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but people with high emotional intelligence know how to de-escalate them instead of tossing fuel onto the fire and breaking out the s’mores.
When conflicts arise, emotional intelligence allows you to approach them with an open heart and compassion. Furthermore, you seek to understand where and how they came about so you can work together to fix the issue from the ground up. This approach aims to ensure that the same problem doesn’t roll around again, but is healed permanently instead.
5. You set healthy boundaries and respect those of others.
In healthy relationships, boundaries don’t exist as a means of punishing or controlling anyone. They’re simply sets of rules and limits that determine what is and isn’t okay as far as how others treat us, what we’re willing to do for (and with) other people, and so on.
When you possess emotional intelligence, you establish boundaries for yourself and assert them with grace and dignity, and you make sure that you respect others’ boundaries in turn. Furthermore, you also recognize that people can change over time, so you check in with those you care about regularly to see whether those boundaries have remained the same or need to be adjusted.
6. You know when to discuss a potentially difficult topic and when not to.
When you have emotional intelligence, often borne from life experience, you know that there’s a time and a place to discuss potentially difficult topics, and bringing them up at The Wrong Time can have deleterious effects on any relationship.
For example, it’s important to let those close to you know if they’ve done something that has hurt or upset you, but it’s not ideal to do so when they’re grieving the loss of a loved one or they’re in extreme pain. Timing is everything, so you recognize when it’s an ideal moment to say something, and when it’s best to hold back for the time being.
7. You can recognize when someone needs space and you don’t take it personally.
Everyone needs personal space, and it’s not a situation of personal rejection if someone you care about wants some time to themselves. They may not express this need verbally either: you can simply recognize the signs that they’re “peopled-out” or otherwise overstimulated and need alone time to regroup and recalibrate.
Whereas people with low emotional intelligence will take this as an offense, those with a more developed emotional understanding will respect this need and encourage the other to take care of themselves. After all, they probably know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and just want to be left alone for a while, so they’d certainly never infringe upon someone else’s alone time either.
8. You apologize when you’re wrong, and accept others’ apologies with grace.
We all mess up at times, and you’ve learned the importance of owning your missteps and doing your best to give a sincere apology and make amends when they happen. Similarly, you recognize that others will also make mistakes, and unless they’ve done something truly reprehensible, you forgive them because you know that they’re learning and growing as individuals, too.
Furthermore, when you accept others’ apologies, you essentially turn to a fresh page with them: you don’t hold onto their trespasses like ammunition for future conflicts. What’s past is passed and won’t be dredged up and thrown back in their faces years from now.
Final thoughts…
We’re all influenced by those around us, and we often pick up traits and habits from the people we spend time with regularly. As a result, while you’re using high emotional intelligence to cultivate and improve great relationships, those you’re interacting with are honing their own emotional intelligence by learning from your example.
This creates a domino effect, shaping not only your relationships with these people but the relationships they have with others in their lives. The end result is that your entire social web will benefit from clearer communication and stronger bonds overall.
