Some people broadcast all the traumas and horrors they’ve been through to anyone within earshot, so everybody knows how hard done by they’ve always been. Others, however, remain reserved and keep their past troubles to themselves.
Although they may not discuss the things they’ve been through, that doesn’t mean that their past remains in the past: you can usually tell that they’ve been to hell and back because of the traits and behaviors they exhibit on a regular basis. Those mentioned here often offer a clue that you’re dealing with someone who has survived some truly awful things.
1. The ability to turn off their emotions at the drop of a hat.
One of the most surefire signs that someone has been through a lot in life is that they can turn off their emotions as easily as flicking a switch. They might have been laughing and smiling just seconds earlier, and now they might as well be made of marble, with a set jaw and flat gaze.
Another situation that illustrates the fact that they’ve been through more than most is that they don’t crumple when and if someone yells at them or gets threatening. They’ll just stare them down or answer calmly, putting them in their place as needed.
These behaviors stem from having to steel their feelings to get through difficulty in the past, either because showing emotion might have escalated a situation or because they had to prepare themselves to deal with an absolute horror show.
2. Remaining unaffected in the midst of chaos.
Many people who have been through a lot are comfortable when everything is falling apart because hell is a comfort zone for them. In fact, a lot of them function far better in crises than they do in calm times, because they know how to handle high-stress and emergency situations.
When everyone else is falling apart, that’s their time to shine. They remain calm and seemingly unaffected by the chaos around them. Similarly, weird things that freak others out may barely faze them at all.
For example, I remember a situation where a friend of mine fell through a glass table and was bleeding everywhere, and I was the only calm person there — applying pressure to the wound while telling the 911 dispatcher what was going on, as our other friends were screaming and passing out.
3. An aversion to being touched.
If you come across a person who isn’t particularly huggy and remains reserved and distant from others almost indefinitely, it may be that they’ve had to deal with more than their fair share of horror over the years.
This could have entailed various types of abuse — both physical and emotional — and left them with an aversion to casual physical contact. Indeed, research shows that trauma can actually dampen the brain’s reward system, making social touch feel less pleasurable and comforting than it normally would, which may cause people to avoid the very connections that could help them heal.
As such, they may take a very long time to let potential partners close to them in any way, and might also take years to allow even their closest friends to hug them. In severe cases, they may even avoid getting regular medical care because they can’t even abide the intimacy of being examined by healthcare professionals.
Of course, some people just aren’t huggers, and that’s simply how they’re wired, so it’s important not to take this point out of context. One thing is certain, though: whatever the reason, a person’s bodily autonomy and preferences regarding tactile contact should be respected at all times.
4. Extreme self-reliance.
Many people who have been through a lot have an extensive set of abilities, which they use to be as independent and self-reliant as possible. They discovered early that nobody else would come to help them if and when needed, so they learned to do as much as they could on their own.
They also have a tendency to want to take care of themselves instead of asking for assistance. This is because they grew accustomed to every bit of help coming at a cost: if they ask for help from anyone, then they’ll owe them something in return. They may have been asked for assistance with something nefarious or pressured into performing sexual favors as thanks for help in the past, and now they’d rather avoid those potential situations altogether.
5. High pain tolerance.
These people don’t just have a high pain tolerance: they push through things that might debilitate others and don’t make much of a deal about it at all.
These are the people who will use Krazy Glue to seal up a wound after they’ve sliced their hand open at work, or will politely excuse themselves to go adjust a dislocated joint in another room before getting back to what they were doing without another word.
This behavior often stems from having to endure pain without help in the past—either because showing weakness led to further harm, or because they learned early on that nobody was coming to help them anyway. Their nervous system has recalibrated what “serious” pain actually means: if they’ve survived worse, a cut or a bruised rib barely registers on their internal threat scale.
Additionally, many of them learned to dissociate from physical sensations as a survival mechanism, and that ability doesn’t just disappear when the danger does. They can mentally disconnect from pain in a way that seems almost superhuman to others, but to them, it’s just another day ending in “Y”.
6. A dark sense of humor.
Those who have experienced 50 shades of hellfire over the course of their lives usually live by the motto: “That which didn’t kill me gave me questionable coping skills and a really dark sense of humor”. They may have wry, “gallows” humor that allows them to navigate just about any hardship without sinking into depression or despair.
This can be disconcerting to those around them, especially if they’re surrounded by sensitive types who get horrified by dark, even appalling jokes. Furthermore, this person might crack jokes about some of the terrible things they experienced, and can’t understand why those around them are shocked or even crying.
They used humor to get through things that would break others, and it can be difficult to remember that most people have led far gentler lives than they have.
7. Hyper-awareness of potential threats or difficulties.
Those who had to learn early how to read the room and other people’s body language learned to do so subconsciously, and pretty much all the time. As such, any time they’re in close proximity with others, they’re hypervigilant about potential threats or discomfort.
They have heightened situational awareness so they can clue into details such as personal distance, what could be used as a weapon near them, if there are changes in energy, lighting, sound, and so on.
Similarly, they can read body language like no one else, and can tell by a shift in someone’s foot position or how they angle their upper body what their next movements are going to be. It’s a skill, but one borne of needing to defend themselves or protect those around them.
8. Workaholism.
People who have been through a lot often ensure that they remain occupied by any means necessary. If we aren’t working, we’re cleaning, or planning, or doing something else that’s “productive” as a means of remaining engaged. I can’t even sit and watch a film with my partner without knitting or mending clothes, and I often work until I’m exhausted enough to fall asleep as soon as I stop.
Devoting oneself to work can be beneficial in a number of ways. For example, people who were financially or food insecure in the past can be reassured of continued sustenance by working hard and having a full bank account. And for those who deal with heightened anxiety, work gives them something tangible to focus on, so the intrusive thoughts don’t trouble them constantly.
Unfortunately, though, many wear themselves ragged by working too much, and then have to deal with health-related fallout from that.
Final thoughts…
If someone you know exhibits these traits, you can be almost entirely certain that they’ve been through things that would give you nightmares if you heard about them. While they’re capable of handling just about anything, they’d really prefer not to. In fact, most of them really appreciate a quiet, peaceful existence that they can live in gently rather than being forced to endure.
Although they may seem a bit weird at times, let them be and don’t pry — they’ll open up to you about their past if and when you earn their trust and confidence.
