Life isn’t a romance novel or rom-com film: those are media pieces created to entertain people via pleasant escapism. Unfortunately, a lot of people feel that the fictional stories they enjoy on a regular basis are examples of what healthy, long-term relationships are supposed to look like. As such, even though their partnerships are perfectly fine, they feel there’s something wrong or missing due to their preconceptions.
The myths listed here are just some of the ones you need to reject right now, or risk your relationship being ruined forever.
1. The idea of “happily ever after.”
People who were raised watching Disney films and other feel-good movies — romantic or otherwise — were programmed to see a wedding as the be-all and end-all of a relationship. All the hardships the couple dealt with before have been surmounted, and the white gown and cake symbolize that from now on, everything will be sweetly perfect forevermore.
In reality, the wedding day (or commitment to a long-term relationship) is the first step that’s taken together, not the last. Depending on when a couple meets, that could mean several decades spent together, which will entail arguments, financial struggles, misunderstandings, and all the other issues that come with humans living in close quarters.
A couple needs to choose to commit to each other every single day and work together as a team for a successful partnership: it doesn’t “just happen” thanks to a wish made upon a star.
2. That real love means you’ll never argue.
Far too many people cling to the idea that those who love each other will never deal with any kind of conflict. They believe that they’ll always be of one mind, which will manifest as a drama- and stress-free existence. In reality, an argument-free relationship is an insincere one because one or both parties are suppressing their stress, anger, hurt, or disappointment for the sake of pretending that everything is perfect.
Couples who truly love each other argue all the time. It’s how they argue — and how they resolve those arguments — that matters. Screaming, throwing, breaking things, and intentionally hurting each other is never okay. Compassion for each other is key, even (especially) during disagreements.
Any time my partner and I have a disagreement or a miscommunication, we always seek to understand where the other is coming from and then work together for the best resolution possible. That’s real love and respect: not conflict avoidance and secret crying in the shower.
3. That you need to be completely alike to live harmoniously.
Having different interests, needs, and pursuits from one another doesn’t mean that there’s anything “wrong”: it means that you’re individuals who won’t share absolutely everything in common. How boring would that be? You wouldn’t ever be able to share something new with your partner because they’d already know about it.
Healthy couples are those who have individual interests, tastes, preferences, and pursuits. In fact, even people whose interests are quite different can have amazingly loving and supportive relationships.
The key is to be respectful and supportive of your differences, rather than belittling or being dismissive. I’ll never understand how my partner can put pickled herring into her mouth, and she can’t comprehend my love of lemony green tea, but we support each other’s bliss, nonetheless.
4. Sleeping separately means that there’s a problem.
My partner snores so loudly that she has woken up and yelled at herself to shut up before falling back asleep. I also snore, and I’m prone to thrashing around if I get overheated. We learned long ago that if we want to remain happy and well-rested, we can’t sleep in the same bed too often. Considering how many years we’ve been together, in the healthiest relationship either of us has ever had, this arrangement works just fine for us.
It’s great if you and your partner can sleep peacefully side by side, but there’s nothing wrong with sleeping separately if you can’t. If one of you can’t sleep because the other’s CPAP machine makes too much noise, or you have different circadian rhythms, adjust your sleeping needs accordingly. Your relationship will be a lot more harmonious if you’re not chronically sleep-deprived and resentful.
5. Happy couples never need or want time apart.
This myth has caused more rifts between partners than most people realize. There seems to be a weird assumption that spouses or long-term partners should want to be in each other’s pockets 24/7, or there’s something wrong with them. In reality, partners need alone time away from each other just as much as anyone else does.
People who travel separately, sleep in separate rooms, or have their own offices where they can focus on their own thing often have healthy, happy, and well-balanced relationships. Human beings need time alone to think deeply, immerse themselves in hobbies and personal pursuits, and simply have some space to themselves — especially when overstimulated or oversensitive. Nobody wants to have someone else stuck to them like cling film in sweltering weather, or when all they want to do is focus on their thoughts and the other won’t stop talking.
6. That real love never changes.
People change over time, so both partners have to remain adaptive and fluid in their relationship. You’re both going to change physically, mentally, and emotionally, so the people you are now may be radically different from who you are 30 years from today.
Similarly, your love may change as well. Things may be passionate and fiery now, but settle down to a calmer, more enduring rapport as you get older. The best thing to do is to negotiate these conditions like being on a boat at sea. Move with the craft and find your footing as the waves change, rather than trying to prevent it from rocking.
7. That there is a one-size-fits-all approach to demonstrating love.
Many people have been raised to believe that love consists of grandiose gestures and gazing into each other’s eyes at the beach. In reality, love manifests in many different ways, depending on the people involved.
Those of different cultures may express it in ways that others may not be able to understand, and gestures that are considered overly demonstrative by some may be considered “not enough” by others.
Let go of your preconceptions about what love “should” look like, and pay attention to how it’s actually being expressed. Does this person get up early and make your lunch for you to take to work, even though they’re exhausted? Do they surprise you with little gifts even when money is tight? If you look closely and with an open mind, you’ll likely find many demonstrations of love that are being overlooked.
8. Just because someone doesn’t fit your expected “mold” doesn’t mean you aren’t a good fit.
I remember dating a girl briefly who decided that our relationship wouldn’t work out because we didn’t agree about absolutely everything. In her mind, the only way a couple would be successful was if they were completely aligned in every way, shape, and form. What could have been a great partnership ended up falling apart because I didn’t perfectly fit her expectations.
In reality, people can be quite different from one another and have an amazingly harmonious, loving relationship. My partner and I were discussing this the other day as we were preparing dinner: quite often, our personal preferences are quite opposite of one another’s at times, but that doesn’t mean we’re incompatible. Quite the opposite: they give us the opportunity to discuss our differing interests.
9. “If they loved me, they would change.”
One of the worst things I’ve seen online in recent years was a guy who told a girl he was seeing that she was too domestic and loving for him; that he instead wanted (in his words): “A baddie who would choose to change for him”. He didn’t want a woman who already fit with his perception of an ideal partner — instead, he wanted someone to turn themselves inside out to suit his wants, because that would be proof that they loved him.
This is a form of tyranny.
It’s one thing if people change together because of mutual interests and goals, and another thing entirely if one is intentionally trying to change the other to suit their preferences, only to end up upset when that person pushes back because that isn’t who they are.
Final thoughts…
If your relationship feels right to you, but you’ve convinced yourself that there’s something wrong with it because it doesn’t look like the “ideal” you’ve been programmed to believe, then the problem isn’t with your partnership: it’s with your perspective.
If you continue to gauge your relationship’s health by other people’s standards, then you’ll never be content with what you have — even if it’s the most perfect partnership you could ever experience. Let go of the myths listed here and spend time with your beloved on your own terms. Nobody else’s.
