A good, strong relationship is worth its weight in jadeite. When you have a partner with whom you can cultivate a lifelong rapport of mutual love, care, and support, you essentially have a companion to walk by your side through whatever may unfold in life.
That said, even the most amazing relationship can become suffocating over time — especially if you’re in close quarters and have little to no time to yourself. As such, it’s important to get space as needed, for both you and the health and longevity of your relationship.
If you’re experiencing any of the signs mentioned here, you may be desperately in need of that all-important breathing room.
1. Your entire life is scheduled around your partner’s existence.
Rather than planning your days so they’re balanced between obligations and personal pursuits, everything in your life is centered around your partner. All of your choices may need to be negotiated according to their needs, plans, preferences, wants, and expectations. Many of us experienced things like this during lockdown, when people who normally had a lot of alone time were suddenly in each other’s pockets 24/7.
There’s little to no freedom to do the things you want on your own terms. While this may have been easier to negotiate at the beginning, after years of basing your entire existence around them, you may find yourself feeling stifled and resentful. It would be great to have some measure of freedom to do what you like, when you like, and it’s key that you get that before it’s too late.
2. Their preferences always take precedence over yours.
In the same way that all of your actions are centered around your partner’s needs and expectations, you’ve likely tailored your activities, dietary choices, and even clothing style to suit your partner’s preferences. It’s possible that you’ve given up many of the things that you’ve always enjoyed in order to earn their approval, or you’ve set aside your own wants and cravings in favor of theirs.
Even shared activities (like movie night) are dominated by what they like, because if you ever push for something different — beyond the fare they always choose — you may be accused of being selfish or “difficult.”
What should be a fairly pleasant, relaxing, straightforward evening turns into your partner being rude or dismissive about all your movie preferences until you relent so they can pick something that they want to watch. Again.
There’s a huge difference between playful banter about conflicting tastes and being harangued to death over what you love until you give it up.
3. Exhaustion from the sheer amount of effort you’re expected to output.
When you’re in your partner’s presence, it may feel like there’s an oppressive weight crushing down on you. Perhaps tasks that used to take no time or energy at all now require monumental effort and leave you feeling exhausted afterwards. You may be wracked with brain fog and have difficulty communicating or remembering what you were doing just a moment before. This is likely because you’re constantly expending energy without any opportunities to replenish it.
Instead of your relationship having an effortless rapport, it requires never-ending output on your part. It’s possible that you’re carrying the majority of all the mental and emotional labor in the partnership, making you feel like you’re parenting this person instead of being their equal.
As a result, there’s never a break in the amount of energy you’re expected to expend, and seemingly no end in sight. You have no idea when you’ll ever be able to rest, because you’re simply not allowed to do so.
4. You find yourself fighting for the simplest, smallest life decisions.
When you find yourself having tense debates over the smallest of your own decisions, it’s a big sign that you need to step away from the person you are with — even if just for a little while — in order to gain some perspective and autonomy.
For example, it’s one thing if your partner knows that one of your friends is a toxic influence in your life and is seeking to protect you, and something else entirely if they’re trying to alienate you from your social net. If you’re not sure, look at the intention behind their actions and how they respond when you insist upon making your own decisions.
Similarly, keep an eye out for whether they’re fighting you over small decisions like what to cook for dinner, what kind of towels to buy, and so on. These actions may be firm signs that they’re far more interested in controlling you (and the relationship in general) than working with you to find a happy medium.
5. You always seem to have to explain yourself.
For some reason, you find that you always have to explain what you’re doing to your partner, no matter what it is. They want to know what you’re doing and why, and you seem to have to justify your life choices to their satisfaction before they’ll accept them. If you don’t offer an answer that satisfies them, they see that as an opportunity to correct you by lecturing you on the “right” path, technique, and so on.
This swiftly turns into either rapid acquiescence for the sake of peace or a long-term battle of wills. They may not even be consciously aware that they are doing it or the many possible reasons why, but they’re determined to turn every action into a competition or an argument that they can “win.” Unfortunately, the price for this behavior is your peace, which you seem obligated to relinquish on their demand, or else.
6. You can’t remember the last time you had real time to yourself.
One of the most telling signs of a suffocating relationship is when your partner won’t let you be by yourself. If you’re doing something as simple as reading or working in another room, they’ll whine that they miss you and insist upon being in your space.
While this can be sweet on occasion, it seems like when you really need to honor a deadline or simply have a few precious moments to catch your breath, they — for some unknown reason — can’t seem to allow you to have this.
It’s almost as though they have a sixth sense as to when you’ve relaxed and let your concentration shift onto something that means a lot to you. That’s when they meander over from wherever they’ve been happily ensconced and doing their own thing, and insist upon having your attention immediately.
7. It feels as though everything you do is being scrutinized.
Over time, your partner may have become more of a sentinel than a soulmate. No matter what you do, it feels like they’re monitoring your every move. They’re always asking what you’re doing, who you’re talking to, why you’re making certain choices, and so on. Maybe they’ve taken to going through your phone or emails, scrutinizing all your actions, and implying that you’re up to something nefarious.
This often comes under the guise of care, when in reality it’s more about control.
Meanwhile, your only sin is daring to have a few minutes and thoughts to yourself. At some point, they decided that they were entitled to know everything you feel, think, and do, as though you’re a possession of theirs instead of a sovereign human being.
8. You only feel like you can be yourself when they aren’t around.
Maybe you brace yourself whenever you leave a room in case you run into them in the kitchen or hallway. Or you look forward to them going out for a while because you can do what you like without your actions being questioned or commented upon. You can eat what you like without criticism, listen to the music they don’t want to hear (and sing along, even if you’re off-key). Basically, you have a few fleeting minutes of freedom to be yourself.
Instead of relaxing when they appear in your immediate vicinity, you feel yourself physically clenching up and getting ready to evade whatever it is they’ll be throwing your way. Only when they (or you) leave the house do you feel like you can be yourself and enjoy the feeling of authenticity in your own skin.
Final thoughts…
When a relationship gets to the point where it’s a crushing burden rather than a blessing, you definitely need some breathing room so you can reevaluate things without being smothered and supervised.
See if you can book some time away by yourself, either staying with a friend or renting a space that’s far enough so your partner can’t/won’t show up at the door. This time apart can give you the much-needed space and time you need to determine how you feel and where you want to go from here.
