While a thin crack in your relationship’s foundations may not initially appear too alarming, if ignored, it will turn into something far more serious and difficult to repair. What you don’t want is for it to become more than you can handle.
A relationship should be intentional, but if it’s running off the neglectful patterns below, then it won’t take long until it fractures. If you’re keen to avoid that, then it’s time to consider how serious these 9 seemingly small cracks can be.
1. Sharing news is being replaced by silence.
A relationship where no news is shared is an awfully empty one. You got that promotion at work, or you had some wonderful family news. When you hold it back, you’re holding back an opportunity to be happy together, and to potentially even celebrate.
Those kinds of moments shouldn’t be neglected, especially in this day and age, but it also extends beyond news.
What about other things? Thoughts, feelings, what book you’re reading, a funny anecdote you heard on the train to work; they all count as sharing, and this is the kind of self-disclosure that deepens relationships.
Without it, you’re well on your way to living separate lives under the same roof.
2. Trust has begun to erode through little forgotten moments.
Dr. Francine Shapiro validated many lives when she conceptualized big T and little t trauma. In the area of relationships, some therapists have used a similar analogy to describe trust (and the breaking of it), where the big T would be something like cheating, and the little t moments look more like accumulated instances of failing to show up, forgetting important dates, or not following through on your word.
Not every lack of trust has to revolve around full-on betrayal involving a third party (but that will certainly create cracks in your relationship). The little things that fall away also cause cracks. The “Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it done,” and six months later, you’re still waiting. Those disappointments do not build a relationship; they eventually knock it down.
3. Small irritations are getting locked away.
You may not want to talk about what’s annoying you, but the real question is, why not? Are you afraid you’ll dive headfirst into conflict? That can be avoided if you both believe in the good each person brings to the relationship. Presumably, you both want to resolve any issues in your relationship, but there’s no resolution (or inner peace) to be had while you’re carrying around annoyances.
As small as they start, they will grow if you don’t address them, leading much more strongly to the very conflict you’re seeking to avoid.
Don’t lock them away; release them gently (I add emphasis on gently) and non-accusatively. Talk. If you raise issues healthily, you can feel closer to your partner afterward.
4. Saying sorry has become robotic.
“I apologize.” “If you want me to say sorry, then I’m sorry.”
Why don’t either of these sound like a remorseful form of apology? Because neither is. A person has to feel sorry, as well as be sorry and say it. Otherwise, it’s just words without meaning.
If you’ve upset your partner, the one thing you have on your side is the chance to make it right. An authentic apology carries with it the promise to try better and to recognize what you did as you take accountability for it.
It’s so easy, right? These are the kinds of cracks you can quickly mend to prevent further damage.
5. Curiosity is shriveling up.
What happened to being open and curious about not just each other, but the world around you as you face it together?
From enquiring how your partner’s day is, to wanting to know how you can make it better. From exploring a new show together to booking a weekend away in an unexplored city. There are ways to remain curious together, because ultimately, that’s what will help you grow. Both individually and together.
When that openness and willingness to be curious shrivels up, it’s then that things start to get pretty stale awfully quickly.
6. Keeping quiet for the sake of a peaceful life.
When you learn to keep quiet because you don’t want to rock the boat, you have to start asking yourself what the bigger picture of your relationship actually looks like. Sure, you’re avoiding arguments, and you might brag, “Oh, we never fight,” but while I want to say, “Good for you,” I also know that it’s not right to never disagree.
Not arguing doesn’t mean you never disagree; it can also mean you believe that to one or both of you, conflict feels dangerous, so you resort to smoothing over the cracks.
Those cracks still exist, though, and while you may still love each other, you’re not doing your relationship any favors by staying silent when you’d benefit from speaking up.
7. What used to be quality time has become two disconnected people in a room together.
You’re together in the same room, but you may as well be on opposite sides of the world. One of you is scrolling, the other is looking for a new laptop to buy online. One is watching TV on their phone with headphones, the other is mapping out their itinerary for the day ahead.
Of course, it’s okay to do these things from time to time; we all lead our own lives even if we’re in a relationship. But it’s not okay to live this way constantly, becoming more and more detached from each other with every passing day. These habits, if left, will snowball into far more serious issues later on.
8. Imagining life apart is increasing.
When a person in a relationship has a regular and very vivid fantasy of leaving that relationship and living life alone, there have to be some real issues growing under that surface crack.
Perhaps you think about that small city flat with your own comforts around you. Or you lose yourself imagining solo vacations.
Sure, we all wish for a little time alone. I personally can’t think of anything better right now than to curl up in a hotel room with a glass of wine and rewatch Virgin River from start to finish, but that doesn’t mean I’m thinking of abandoning my responsibilities and desires at home permanently, or wishing they didn’t exist.
But if your mind is taking you away from your reality more and more, then your reality needs examining.
9. Check-ins have ceased to exist.
Similar to sharing your own news with your partner, checking in with them about theirs is also key for a healthy relationship.
“How did your interview go?” “Have you heard from your parents this week? How are they doing?” “Did you need me to collect anything on the way home from work?”
Three simple, yet effective check-ins that often fall by the wayside when a relationship is deteriorating. They seem trivial, but each check-in serves as a bridge back to each other, and without them, you’re left stranded in separate places.
If they don’t exist for you, then there may be more serious things going on that you want to consider.
Final thoughts…
It’s amazing what can happen to a relationship when the failure to nurture it overrides the desire to work to keep it thriving. So quickly, cracks can surface that indicate there are some serious issues going on underneath.
If that sounds familiar to you, then maybe you deserve to give your own relationship a little TLC and decide what needs fixing and how.
If it’s what you want, it has to be what you put your energy into. Just make sure that energy is positive.
