People who grew up with a narcissistic parent all had similar dysfunctional family dynamics. There was usually an enabler who never stood up to the abuser, but instead trash-talked them behind their back when it was safe. Similarly, there was usually a “golden child” who was adored and could do no wrong, and the scapegoat who was thrown to the wolves and blamed for everything unpleasant in the family.
If any of the following situations seem familiar to you, congratulations: you’re officially your family’s scapegoat, with all the unpleasantness that goes with that position.
1. Repeatedly coming home and getting yelled at for something you didn’t do, even if you literally weren’t there.
Just about every family scapegoat has experienced a situation in which they were blamed for something they didn’t do, and then punished for not owning up to their wrongdoing. While this may seem more plausible if you were in the vicinity when the wrongdoing happened — such as if food went missing from the fridge when you were at home — it’s completely ridiculous if you weren’t anywhere nearby when the situation occurred.
Here’s an example: when I was in my late teens, my younger sister started doing a lot of drugs as a form of escapism from our abusive home life, and ended up in a psychiatric facility because the cocktail of chemicals she had taken caused severe psychosis. According to my parents, this happened because I didn’t stop her from taking the drugs that I didn’t know she was on. I didn’t even live at home anymore: I had an apartment 20 miles away and was working two jobs while also attending university. Yet as the scapegoat, the blame still landed on my shoulders.
2. Being told that everything bad your family has experienced was your fault, somehow.
No matter what difficulty has befallen your family, it’s somehow your fault. Even if the issue happened before you were born, or occurred due to other family members’ transgressions, nature, climate issues, or complete acts of randomness, the blame ends up being placed firmly on your shoulders.
If your family has financial problems, it’s because you were born and they were forced to spend too much money to keep you alive. There are termites in the house? Then you must have brought them in on your clothes, and so on.
3. Atrocious double standards in the household.
If your sibling broke a glass or a plate, they’d be asked if they were okay. In contrast, if you broke anything in the house, you’d get yelled at and told how clumsy and stupid you were. Similarly, other family members might have been given second or third helpings at dinner, but if you finished the small portion on your own plate, you were called a greedy pig and told you were getting fat from eating so much.
These double standards likely came in other forms as well. For example, if you had a “golden child” sibling who was doing abysmally in school and you were doing well, you’d be berated for not helping them succeed in their studies. Furthermore, they might get praise and a cake for getting a barely passing grade on a test, but if you got 97 percent on yours, they’d ask you why you didn’t get 100, and deride you for your shortcomings.
4. Being the butt of everyone’s jokes.
Most of us have experienced family gatherings in which one person was singled out and made fun of by everyone else. If you’re the family scapegoat, then it’s likely that you’re the one who’s been in the cone of shame most of the time. Your narcissistic abuser likely picked things out about you to make fun of or insult, and encouraged everyone around to join in, too.
You may have found out that there were major family gatherings that you weren’t invited to, and that everyone finds it hilarious that you were the only person who didn’t make it into the extended family photo, because you weren’t there! Haha. Worst of all, if you dare to be upset about everyone’s poor treatment of you, that’s also your own fault: you’re just too sensitive and can’t take a joke, according to them.
5. Having your achievements mocked or dismissed while others’ were praised.
The family scapegoat really only exists to be used as a communal, emotional punching bag. As such, if you achieved anything that you were proud of or that deserved recognition, they quickly had to put you back in your place so you didn’t get ideas beyond your role.
For instance, if you did well in school or got a promotion at work, they’d insist it’s because you slept with someone in a position of authority, since there’s no way you could have earned that on your own. Meanwhile, everyone else’s achievements, no matter how paltry, got public accolades, fancy celebratory dinners, and other rewards.
6. Being trash-talked behind your back.
There’s nothing quite like meeting a new friend of the family and having them give you the stink-eye from the get-go. Or having relatives ask you about the tawdry details of a situation you’ve never even heard of, only to be accused of lying and pretending you don’t know about it.
The family scapegoat isn’t just the target of the immediate family’s ire at all times: they’re also used as projectors for everyone’s personal issues. If your parents are cheating on each other, you’ll be accused of infidelity with your partner. Similarly, if your golden child sibling did something wrong, the story will be twisted so you were actually at fault and they were the hero in the situation.
7. Having your efforts sabotaged.
When there’s an official scapegoat in the family, everyone does their part to try to ensure that this individual remains exactly where they are: bearing the brunt of their displeasure, and being the general dogsbody around the house.
Because of this, they likely sabotaged anything in your life that could have come between their abuse and you. They might have intentionally kept you from sleeping the night before a major exam so you failed at school, unplugged your alarm before a job interview, or even sabotaged romantic relationships by telling your dates lies about you. Anything to prevent you from getting away from them and living your own life.
8. Being labeled a jerk for telling the truth about “family business.”
Of the many things that narcissistic, abusive families have in common, family secrecy is one of the most common. It’s as though the abusers know full well how toxic the family dynamics are, and they make it absolutely imperative to keep those details under wraps so they can maintain the perfect family facade.
As such, if you tell other people about what actually goes on behind closed doors, or your facial/body language says more than your voice ever could, you become a monster in their eyes. They play victim and imply that you’ve betrayed them all horribly by bringing their mistreatment of you into the light.
9. In your absence, everyone is at each other’s throats.
One of the key indicators that you’re officially the family scapegoat is how everyone treats one another when you’re no longer there. Since you’ve been everyone’s emotional punching bag for as long as they can remember, your absence means that they no longer have a heatsink for their anger and other frustrations.
As a result, they redirect all their negativity towards one another. They don’t all have you to focus on anymore, so they may all reach out and tell you how horrible the other family members are being to them. In fact, they might actually try to get you to come home because things “just aren’t the same without you there.” Well, that’s why you left in the first place.
Final thoughts…
The negativity associated with being the family scapegoat doesn’t end when and if you manage to free yourself from their clutches. They’ve damaged you for so long that you’ve likely developed difficulty establishing trust in all of your relationships. You may struggle with self-esteem issues, not to mention self-doubt, imposter syndrome, anxiety, and depression.
Family members are supposed to care for one another, so it’s a fundamental betrayal to be treated as the family trash bin. Don’t hesitate to seek out a therapist who can help you move past the hurt and find your way back to yourself.
