Chilean writer and filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky once wrote: “Birds born in a cage think flying is an illness.” Similarly, many people who have only ever experienced dysfunctional relationships think that the things they experience on a daily basis are completely normal. It’s only when they hear other people’s stories or have healthy partnerships for the first time that they realize how not okay their previous pairings were.
The things listed below are some of the most common problematic issues that many consider to be normal, but are far from it in a healthy relationship dynamic.
1. Basing decisions on whether they’ll cause conflict or not.
A lot of people make daily decisions in their relationships that they think are signs of devotion and care towards their partner, but that are actually a means of damage control. Essentially, what they’re doing is weighing all the options available and determining what will cause the least amount of friction. It doesn’t matter what they want personally: all that matters is keeping the peace by any means necessary.
My partner and I have a friend who hasn’t cooked or eaten the foods she loves most for years because she doesn’t want her partner to be mean to her about her choices. Similarly, I had a friend who was never able to watch action films at home because his wife would sulk and punish him with the silent treatment if they didn’t watch romantic comedies together on the weekend. He hated them, but acquiesced for the sake of family harmony.
Of course, compromise in relationships is both necessary and healthy, but there’s a significant difference between two people working together to find mutually beneficial solutions and one person constantly walking on eggshells or making excessive sacrifices to avoid their partner’s negative reactions.
2. Trash-talking your partner to your friends, family, etc.
It’s pretty common in relationships for people to complain about their partner to their friends, co-workers, and family members every time they have a fight. Then, once they’ve reconciled with their partner again, those social group members are expected to be just as kind and friendly towards said partner as they were before. And if they aren’t, they’re berated for being rude or overstepping.
But if these individuals aren’t in close contact with our partners, then their perceptions of them are entirely based on the narratives we share. As such, if you’re only ever talking about your partner in a negative fashion, that’s the picture you’re painting of them.
Furthermore, these folks are going to think and behave a certain way toward your partner based on the information they’ve been given. They can’t — and shouldn’t be expected to — adapt their thoughts and behaviors based on how you feel from one day to the next. It’s unfair to expect them to support you in bashing your partner on Tuesday and then help plan a beautiful surprise party for them on Friday.
Of course, processing difficult feelings with a trusted friend or family member is healthy and sometimes necessary. The difference lies in seeking perspective and support versus repeatedly trash-talking your partner’s character to anyone who will listen. The former strengthens your relationship; the latter poisons it by eroding the respect and loyalty that should exist between partners. And if you only ever have bad things to say about your partner, then there are likely bigger problems than just your trash-talking at play.
3. Treating your partner as a pet or belonging.
Sadly, there are many who think their partner is some extension of themselves, or, even worse, a pet with limited needs and no outlook on life. They have a very solipsistic view of their own life and often have no idea that their partner has their own mind and perspective.
In a healthy relationship, you check in with your partner on a regular basis. This isn’t to avoid fights or to feel good about “being a great partner”, but to ensure sincerely that they’re doing ok and if not, to ask what you can to make them feel even a little bit better.
Our partners are individuals with their own thoughts and emotions, and are people who have chosen to be with us. They’re not obligated to do so, and as such, it’s important to show appreciation to them regularly.
4. Making financial (or major life) decisions without talking with your partner first.
A lot of people who are the primary breadwinners in their relationships feel that since they’re the one earning more (or all of) the household money, they get to make unilateral decisions about how it’s spent. Similarly, they may feel that they’re the only one who gets to make major decisions that’ll affect the entire family.
I’ve known countless people who felt sad and lonely because their partners decided to move the family thousands of miles away from everything they knew. Some got a more exciting job offer that involved relocation, whilst others accepted the inheritance of a house in their grandparents’ home country.
The spouses, who were dependent upon them because they were the childcare providers and homemakers, weren’t consulted at all: they were simply expected to trot alongside their spouses obediently wherever they chose to go. You can imagine how well that all turned out.
5. Weaponizing family and friends.
Arguments and disagreements are inevitable in any romantic partnership. The key is to work through those issues privately as a couple, with respect, courtesy, and the desire to resolve things in a way that makes both parties feel heard and respected.
Unfortunately, many individuals rope in friends and family members to help bolster “their side” in arguments to bully their partner into backing down via strength in numbers.
This can be subtle as well. For instance, if someone is at their company holiday party with their partner and someone asks when they’re going to get married or have kids, a manipulative partner might take that as an ideal opening to put pressure on the hesitant partner to do so.
Essentially, instead of having each other’s backs, couples who engage in this common but unhealthy behavior are constantly trying to outmaneuver each other by building up their “side” to crush the opposition.
6. Not being aware of your partner’s needs or preferences.
The other day, I saw someone post online about how she was terribly ill and asked her partner to pick up her favorite canned soup from the store on his way home. When he arrived, she discovered that he had picked up a different brand than she’d asked for — a brand that she disliked immensely. Why? He liked that kind better and prioritized his own wants over her preferences and needs.
This type of thing seems to be so common in many people’s relationships that they mistakenly believe that it’s normal behavior. It’s not. Willful forgetting or downright refusing to listen to your partner about their likes, dislikes, and things they have a strong stance on shows an immense amount of contempt and disrespect. If you don’t like this person enough to pay attention like this, why are you even them?
7. Insisting upon having access to every aspect of each other’s lives.
While a fair amount of transparency is important in a relationship, every individual is also entitled to privacy. We all have our own thoughts, mementos, and private conversations that our partners or spouses aren’t invited to join in on.
In a healthy relationship, these boundaries are respected on both sides. Unfortunately, many people have normalized the idea that in an intimate partnership, both parties should have unrestricted access to everything in each other’s lives, from passwords and files to memories and secrets.
8. Making “jokes” at each other’s expense.
While healthy humor can help couples get through hardships like serious illness or financial strain, saying mean things that hurt one another and pretending that they’re “jokes” isn’t okay. At all.
Mocking each other’s appearance (especially about natural aging), shaming each other for food or clothing choices, and disparaging personal pursuits are all common but hurtful behaviors that are often weaponized to control the other person. It’s even worse when these “jokes” are made in public, encouraging others to join in on the mockery.
9. Behaving as though your partner is a punishment rather than a blessing.
Many people adhere to the mindset that a marriage or long-term partnership signifies the “end of fun” and that the person they chose to spend their life with is instead an anchor used to tie them down and punish them. They’ll refer to their spouse or partner as their “ball and chain” and make disparaging remarks about them to others whenever the opportunity arises.
This isn’t normal in a healthy relationship at all. In fact, a healthy relationship requires both people to care about and respect one another. If they dislike each other enough to behave as though their marriage places them in the seventh circle of hell, then they should part ways so both parties can enjoy what’s left of their lives in peace.
Final thoughts…
Sadly, a lot of behaviors mentioned here are shown so often in modern media that people see them regularly and think they’re normal. In fact, they may believe that such actions are expected: since so many people relate to them and laugh at them, they must be, right?
Furthermore, depictions of healthy relationships are often mocked for being pathetic and boring. This is why it’s so important for people to witness loving, supportive partnerships in person. If they take cues from films and TV shows, they’ll keep assuming that dismissive, cruel, and abusive behaviors are the ones to aspire to. They’re not.
