A surprising number of articles and self-help books describe all the things a person can do to change themselves in order to improve their relationships and their lives in general. Some of these may be helpful in terms of self-growth, such as healing from past traumas and avoiding projection. But others imply that you need to fold yourself nine times and wear a clown suit to convince others to treat you with respect and decency.
In reality, if you find yourself in situations like the ones mentioned here, the best answer is actually not to change at all, but to extricate yourself from the situation as soon as is feasibly possible.
1. When you’re being disrespected and expected to just take it instead of defending yourself
If you’re in a situation that’s full of conflict and strife, and those around you try to punish you for standing up for yourself, that’s a clear sign that you need to get out of there as quickly as possible. These people aren’t interested in your well-being or personal perspective and only view you as a resource, a punching bag, or a slave, depending on the scenario.
Those who treat you this poorly don’t deserve to have you in their lives. Neither do those who encourage you to make yourself smaller and quieter and tolerate abuse for the sake of maintaining harmony. They’re doing this so you don’t make them feel uncomfortable or change the dynamics of their own lives, without any regard for how it affects you.
2. In a job that exploits you.
One of the worst things in life is being stuck in a job in which you’re treated poorly. Maybe you have to badger your boss to pay you properly, have to deal with nepotism from your employer’s nephew, intellectual property theft from your colleagues, or the expectation that you’re on call 24/7 if you want to remain employed. When the job you need to remain housed and fed requires you to run a gauntlet of BS in addition to your actual task load, it’s time to find something better as soon as you’re able.
I’ve been in situations like this, where we employees were called “part of the family” and told how desperately we’re needed and relied upon, which apparently gave them carte blanche to call us in on our days off or demand that we work from abroad when on holiday.
If you make plans to leave and your employer tries to convince you to stay with talk of “rewarding” you if you do, remember that rewards are meant to cajole children and well-behaved pets into being obedient or doing tricks. You’re an adult human being. As such, you should be well paid and respected, not offered some pizza and a pat on the head in exchange for wasting your life for their benefit.
3. In abusive relationships, as soon as the first signs emerge.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, there’s nothing to “work through” with that person. The only option is to leave, for the sake of your own safety as well as that of your children, if you have any. A person who’s allowed to abuse you slightly will continue to push those boundaries and intensify the abuse over time.
If they scream and throw things at (or near) you, they’ll hit you. If they hit you, they’ll choke you. And if they choke you, you’re very likely to meet your end by their hands. In a situation like this, you need to create an exit strategy as quickly as possible — with the help of your social network and external agencies or charities if need be — and get the hell out of there.
4. When you’re in a one-sided friendship.
Most of us have had at least one acquaintance or friend who’s always on the take and never seems able (or willing) to return the favor. In fact, they always seem to be looking out for themselves and try to give others a hard time for saying no to their increasing demands.
If a character like this is trying to stick to your life like a burr so that they can draw resources from you at will, the only thing to do is to dig them out and leave. Quickly.
If you don’t, they’ll devour your kindness and weaponize victimhood against any righteous anger you have after they’ve taken advantage. They see any kind of interaction as just another potential opening to get their needs met. The best action against such oversized leeches is a swift removal from your life before they bleed you dry.
5. When someone is trying to control or manipulate you.
When others are doing their utmost to control you, the best thing you can do is leave, if you can. Even very strong-willed individuals can be slowly worn down by continued erosive attempts at manipulation and control. You can try to shake off those attempts and negotiate a compromise, but you’ll still lose eventually because the other person will simply find a new way around your boundaries.
Whatever they believe their justification is for treating you in such a fashion, the only right answer is to leave and burn the bridge behind you. You are no one’s property. If you find yourself doubting your own ability to make self-governing decisions, then determine who placed the seed of doubt within you, and silence that voice however you can.
6. In any situation where your needs consistently remain unmet.
Quite often, when you find yourself in a situation where your needs and wants are consistently remaining unmet, it isn’t an oversight on the part of the other person. They’re intentionally “forgetting” to do the things that are important to you, or that they’ve agreed to for the sake of fairness, in order to see how much you’re willing to tolerate.
No amount of reminding, cajoling, asking, or rewarding will change this behavior. In fact, it’s likely to intensify as they keep taking little steps across the boundaries you’ve laid in order to benefit themselves. Nothing will improve here, so unless you want to end up having a breakdown (or simply breaking, depending on the circumstances), pack your stuff and leave as soon as you can.
7. When work is being foisted upon you without your permission.
This can take a number of different forms, from “mission creep” at work to a continually expanding workload at home. At the office, you may find that people keep adding a few more tasks to your docket that you didn’t agree to, but are expected to do nonetheless. Even more common is a person suddenly being expected to do more and more domestic labor when they move in with or marry their partner. What originally began as a fair, evenly distributed chore list suddenly becomes unbalanced because one of them “just does it better.”
While the latter happens more often with women, it’s not gender specific. Many individuals weaponize incompetence by breaking items or doing chores the “wrong way,” so their partner will take on more chores, leaving them free to indulge their personal pursuits. Others will expect their new partner to help raise their children from previous relationships — both emotionally and financially — so their own lives remain mostly unchanged. If you argue against any of these situations and come up against vehement arguments or mistreatment, the best option available is to pack up and leave.
Final thoughts…
A lot of people encourage others to stick it out through difficult or damaging situations in order to build resilience, or to prove that they aren’t quitters. This may be the right option in some cases, like pushing through challenging schoolwork or not giving up on a business venture that’s a bit slow to start. But in situations where you’re being abused, disrespected, used, or taken for granted, things aren’t going to get any better. You’ll just end up with increased cortisol levels and wasted time. Choose to prioritize your health, peace, and self-respect, and make a swift exit instead.
