The thing about manipulators that makes them so dangerous is that they don’t announce their intentions. Instead, they conceal them effectively behind innocuous behaviors that may seem loving and considerate. In reality, every action they take is like a carefully considered chess move that will advance them into the positions they’re aiming for.
The “caring” behaviors listed here are some of the most common ones that manipulative people do in order to increase their power and control over others.
1. Doing everything for you.
A person who does everything for you may seem to be putting your best interests at the forefront of their life, and taking on all manner of tasks and responsibilities so you don’t have to do them. In reality, this can actually be a controlling, manipulative behavior that many don’t clue into until they’re in trouble.
For example, someone who takes over the tedious task of paying bills for various services may be someone who’s taking control of your finances. Similarly, someone who always offers to drop things off at friends’ places on your behalf could be isolating you from your social support network. And a person who seems particularly keen to support you financially while you pursue your creative dreams might be making you entirely dependent upon them.
Of course, there will be times when this is genuine care. The difference usually lies in the extent to which they control these aspects of your life and whether other behaviors are present too.
2. Going places with you for your own safety.
This usually happens to women who are being manipulated by the men in their lives, but it can happen in all kinds of dynamics, including parent-child, between friends and siblings, and so on.
Essentially, under the guise of “caring” for you, a person will take it upon themselves to go different places with you so you get there safely. They might even try to stick around to participate in what’s going on, or stay nearby so they can take you back home again afterwards.
This is another form of control in which that person is keeping tabs on everything you do: who you’re seeing, what you’re doing, how long you’re out, and so on. When they think you’ve socialized long enough, they’ll insist on taking you home before you get tired.
Unless you actually need a round-the-clock carer, this kind of behavior is a big red flag.
3. Weaponized incompetence posing as altruism.
Picture this: someone hates doing laundry with a seething passion and never wants to be asked to do it again. So, when their spouse is away at work or off doing errands, they “surprise” them by doing that laundry in the worst way possible — washing woollen garments in hot water, tossing a red shirt in with white clothes, and so on.
When the spouse comes home, they’re met with tearful apologies and wailing about having wanted to do chores so they didn’t have to, etc. The end result here is that not only are they reassured that all is okay, but they’ll never be allowed to do the laundry again. Oh no. So sad.
My partner’s ex weaponized incompetence like this on a regular basis, and it took years for her to trust that I was both very capable and sincere in my altruism towards her, and not adding more work onto her shoulders with similar behavior.
4. Modifying your diet/preferences without your consent.
Once this person has taken over the “chore” of grocery shopping for you, they’ll start to make little changes to your diet. Maybe they’ll start buying organic and/or gluten-free items because they’re so much “healthier” and they want to look out for you. The next thing you know, they’ve replaced all of your comfort foods with kale chips and celery bites.
Similarly, if they’re cooking for you under the guise of care, they might control your food intake as well as the ingredients, giving you portions that they think are best for you and then guilt-tripping you if you don’t like what you’ve been served. After all, they went and put all that effort into cooking for you, only to be unappreciated and rejected. How dare you?
5. Taking care of decision-making to “lighten your load.”
Having to make decisions all the time is tedious for everyone, and most of us appreciate someone else taking the reins and taking care of this chore once in a while. Problems arise, however, when one person is suddenly making all the decisions, and the other is expected to go along with them.
If this has happened and you’re trying to re-establish autonomy, they’ll likely give you grief about not trusting their judgment, or being “difficult” and “argumentative” — never acknowledging that you have a right to your own choices, and that your preferences should be respected as well.
6. Helpful tidying/redecoration.
While it’s often helpful when loved ones assist with tidying or decorating, especially if you’re run ragged or are neurodivergent and have difficulty with task paralysis, manipulators often weaponize this as a “caring” behavior to suit their own ends.
It most often happens when they’re trying to put down roots in your living space. For example, they might clear out what they claim are spoiled foods from the fridge and pantry and replace them with their favorites, or discard some of your belongings to make room for theirs. The end result is usually gorgeous and tidy, but now they have invested their energy into your home and have established a foothold there for their own benefit.
7. Making health appointments on your behalf.
If someone has been swamped with work or struggles with demand avoidance, they’ve likely put off various personal responsibilities for some time — including healthcare. Cue the “caring”, generous individual who books appointments for them and even accompanies them there to make sure they attend.
This gives them an “in,” at which point they’ll gradually become more aggressive with the types of care they’ll help provide. They might book a nutritionist appointment or an evaluation at a local gym. Or even a consultation with a plastic surgeon to “fix” what they perceive are some minor issues.
8. Kind gestures that make others feel indebted.
If a manipulator wants to get something from someone, they’ll often do something kind and immensely generous for them in order to establish a debt. Then, when they ask that person for a favor in turn down the line, they can remind them of that kindness, so they’re obligated to reciprocate.
There’s nothing sincerely altruistic about their behavior: any generosity or care they show others is a means to gain leverage over the other person. After all, if the person doesn’t reciprocate easily when the request is made, they can pull the victim card and guilt-trip them about being a selfish user until they acquiesce.
9. Making surprise plans.
What’s the best way to prevent someone from doing something that you don’t like? Make alternate arrangements that they feel obligated to prioritize. For example, if someone doesn’t want their spouse hanging on with one of the “bad influence” friends that they dislike, they might surprise them with a magical weekend getaway that they’ve been looking forward to for ages.
This is a means of interfering with someone’s plans in such a way that they can’t get mad about it. It serves the dual purpose of keeping them away from the unwanted person in question, while simultaneously making them feel gratitude for such an apparently loving and thoughtful gesture.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to be aware that many of these gestures are done by those who sincerely care about those around them. That’s what makes them so insidious: you really never know what the person’s intentions are behind the actions.
Those who have been hurt by manipulators in the past are often on high alert about potential “red flags”, and that’s okay: what’s important is to be cautiously optimistic that these actions are sincere, while simultaneously keeping an eye out for manipulative behavior and repeated unhealthy patterns.
