Just about all of us have dealt with passive-aggression from people at some point. It may come from coworkers, friends, partners, or family members, and involves them expressing anger or hostility towards us in roundabout ways, rather than being direct about how they’re feeling.
They may dislike conflict and hope to resolve the issues in an oblique way, leaving it up to you to discern what’s actually going on inside them. The next time someone behaves passively-aggressively when dealing with you, try these actions to figure out what’s going on with them.
1. Listen to the subtext.
When a person is passive-aggressive towards someone, the real reason why they’re upset will often be hidden inside what they’ve said. For example, let’s say someone brings their leech of a housemate a bowl of food. The housemate thanks them, and in return, they say something to the effect of “Hey, no problem — you cook for me all the time,” followed by them stomping off and slamming the door. They both know that the jerk hasn’t cooked a meal in known memory, but instead of saying that outright, the message is wrapped in a passive dig punctuated by hostile body language.
As such, pay attention to the exact words the individual in question uses when they’re behaving passive-aggressively towards you. What’s more, listen to which words are being emphasized. There’s a good chance that the reason why they’re angry with you will be hidden in plain sight, so to speak.
2. Study them more.
Take a step back and look at what’s going on in their life: not just in their behaviors towards you, but their general habits, choices, circumstances, and so on. A lot of the time, passive-aggressive behavior towards you doesn’t actually have anything to do with you: they may be projecting their issues onto others because they aren’t in a position to work through them on their own.
So rather than getting into a semi-hostile exchange when they’re passive-aggressive towards you, take a step back and look at the possible reasons why they’re behaving this way.
Here’s an example: let’s say you’re telling a friend about how excited you are to go visit another country, and they make a passive-aggressive remark about how nice it must be to not have any grown-up responsibilities, so you can run off and play whenever you want. After thinking about it, you might realize that all they’ve been talking about for a while is how tired they are from taking care of their kids, working two jobs to support their family, unexpected debts and expenses, and so on. Once you realize that their hostility towards you isn’t actually about you, you’re better able to slough off poor feelings and determine how you can help, instead.
3. Keep changing the subject.
People often drop passive-aggressive hints about something rather than being direct about whatever their issue is. If you ask them directly about it, they may deflect or play victim in order to keep the spotlight on you as the bad guy. Even worse, they may try to gaslight you into believing that the perceived passive-aggression was “just your imagination.”
What usually works here is to tell them to be clear about what their problem is with you, and then change the subject. This usually destabilizes their self-righteousness and may encourage them to try again with a different passive remark. Keep parrying their attempts with nonchalance until they finally snap and directly confront you with their grievance. At this point, you can address the real reason they’re mad at you, without it being wrapped in several layers of nonsense.
4. Ask them if they’re okay.
The question “Are you okay?” often has a downright magical effect on those who are acting belligerently for no immediately apparent reason. They may not even realize how badly they’re behaving, especially if they’re reacting to something else going on in their life without realizing that they’re taking it out on you.
Asking if they’re okay makes them stop and take stock of their actions. It makes them self-analyze to determine whether they are actually doing alright or not, which offers the opportunity for them to let you know what’s going on. It’s like a reset button for passive aggression, and opens doors for real communication and connection.
5. Act like it’s water off a duck’s back.
This is where you pretend not to notice the passive-aggression, which is usually immensely confusing and frustrating to the person delivering it. The general point of passive-aggressive behavior is to get a reaction out of someone, so that the onus is on them to determine what’s wrong and take action to fix it, rather than the individual themselves taking assertive initiative to fix the issue.
When you act as though you aren’t bothered by their actions, it negates the tension they’re trying to cause. You’re showing them that you aren’t going to take the bait, and if they want the issue to be resolved, they’ll have to be more direct about what’s bothering them.
As a result, they usually come clean about what they’re struggling with, although they may express it in a letter or via text rather than face-to-face. If they were comfortable confronting you with what’s been bothering them, they would have done so already instead of resorting to passive comments and actions.
6. Pretend that you don’t understand what they’re trying to say.
You may have used this approach to deal with someone who’s been making bigoted remarks under the guise of “jokes” to good effect. Well, it also works remarkably well to defuse passive-aggressive behavior. Whereas the previous approach has you pretending not to notice what they’re doing (and is therefore also passive), this response forces them to explain themselves.
They usually get so annoyed and frustrated that you aren’t clueing into their subtle, passive comments that they eventually get more forthright about what’s going on with them. Just be aware that the more you pretend that you don’t understand them, the angrier they’re likely to become. As a result, they may end up screaming at you or being aggressive in other ways as they finally explode about what’s really going on with them.
7. Call attention to their behavior and ask them to be more forthright.
If you’re a more direct and straight-talking sort, you can call them out on their passive aggression and ask them straight out what’s bothering them. Not aggressively, mind you — but calmly and assertively. You’re not aiming to scare or bully them here, but simply put a spotlight on their actions. You want to let them know you’re aware something’s bothering them, and then encourage them to let you know, clearly and plainly, what it is so you can work through it together.
They’ll probably say “nothing,” that they’re fine, that it’s no big deal, but if that were true, then they wouldn’t be making their annoying little comments or aggressively slamming kitchen drawers shut.
Be aware that if they’ve had traumatic experiences with conflict in the past, they may panic at being confronted this way. This is likely why they behave passively aggressively in the first place.
This is where you reassure them that you aren’t mad at them, but that it’s unfair to make you try to guess what’s wrong instead of being respectful and telling you straight out. Using “I feel” comments instead of being accusatory will help them feel more secure about opening up and discussing things plainly.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to keep in mind that those who behave passive-aggressively are usually those who were taught that being honest and upfront about how they feel results in punishment and suffering. They may want to be more open with their struggles and frustrations, but don’t know how.
The only way they’ve ever been able to vent their spleens is obliquely, in an attempt to keep themselves safe. Remembering this while you deal with them may help you choose compassion over confrontation when they’re behaving in a manner you find challenging to contend with.
