One of the most valuable skills in any type of relationship is the ability to discuss things with the goal of understanding one another. This is the only way that conflicts can be truly resolved: by seeing each other’s perspectives and working together to move forward.
But this simply can’t happen if one person involved is only arguing to win. In these instances, they have little interest in understanding your side of things, let alone acknowledging that you might be making valid points.
If the one you’re arguing with uses phrases like those below, you know which category they fit into (and you can choose to save your breath and sanity accordingly).
1. “I am the one with the expertise/experience here…”
Those who have little interest in understanding those around them usually try to win arguments by any means possible, rather than hearing anyone out.
Furthermore, unless they consider the other person their academic or intellectual equal, they won’t show them the courtesy of treating them like a human being; instead, they’ll point out what a lesser life form they are.
The most common way they do this is to pull rank. If the other person is making a strong argument, they’ll dismiss that person by talking about how they have a more prestigious academic degree. Or they’re older and wiser. Or they’re bigger and stronger.
I used to see this a lot in physical fitness circles: someone in their middle years who had been practicing yoga for decades would be dismissed as not knowing what they were doing because they didn’t have a glossy certificate from the Carl Smith yoga academy down the road.
Instead of acknowledging that there may be some value in the other’s argument, they simply shut them down with arrogant posturing and believe that they’ve won.
2. “Calm down.”
You could have the emotional balance and fortitude of a Zen Buddhist monk, but the person you’re arguing with will tell you to calm down in an attempt to invalidate anything you have to say.
All they want is for you to stop talking so they can consider themselves the victor, and an easy way for them to do this (in their experience) is to behave as though you’re acting irrationally and overly emotionally.
A lot of people learned this behavior from the adults they grew up around, so they put the phrase into practice themselves whenever they find themselves in a situation where they feel they’re losing ground in an argument or confrontation.
Sometimes it buys them more time to gather their thoughts, or it puts the other person in a defensive position. Either way, they’re seeking to win in the discussion rather than giving any credence to what the other has to say.
3. “You wouldn’t be able to understand.”
If the individual who is so desperate to win finds that you’re making solid arguments that they can’t refute, they’ll have to try to undermine you somehow.
One such gambit they’ll use is the “misunderstood genius” card: you simply wouldn’t be able to understand the complexity of the situation at hand the way that they do.
Furthermore, they’ll come up with elaborate, meandering explanations instead of giving you a straight answer, and then imply that you’re too dim to follow along.
I saw something like this recently on a social media post, in which a man asked someone a question about the capital of a particular European country. Instead of admitting that he didn’t know, the guy answering went on a tangent about the origins of colonization, the futility of borders, and so on.
When a person like this starts going on at length, they’ll see your valid counterarguments as proof that you simply don’t understand what they’re saying, you poor imbecile. And the question will remain unanswered, buried beneath an avalanche of obfuscation.
4. “I’m not arguing, I’m explaining.”
This phrase is often used by people who seek to silence others by belittling them, rather than engaging with them.
By saying it, they’re implying that you’re being irrational and picking a fight when there isn’t one, when they are usually the ones getting irate.
It’s a manipulative form of social maneuvering with the intention of making you doubt yourself. In fact, they’ll often use this approach if you’re arguing in public, with the hope of making you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable in front of witnesses.
It’s why they’ll often say this phrase quite a bit louder than necessary: so they can position themselves as the reasonable, rational authority in front of onlookers, painting you as histrionic or even unhinged.
Even if you make it abundantly clear that you know just as much about the topic at hand as they do (if not more so), they’ll keep making dismissive remarks or imply that you’re misinformed. They simply cannot be reasoned with.
As such, it’s rare that you’ll get any kind of apology out of them, since all they care about is proving themselves right and “winning” in everyone else’s eyes.
5. “The burden of proof is on you.”
This one is actually quite amusing. Sometimes, when people are losing an argument atrociously, they’ll try to turn the whole thing around and declare that you haven’t made any kind of compelling argument as far as they’re concerned.
From there, they’ll assert that the burden of proof is on you to convince them of your stance, and since you’ve failed to do so in their mind, they “win” by default.
In reality, the opposite has usually happened. You’ve pointed out obvious truths, and they have no valid counterargument. As a result, they’re backpedaling and trying to obfuscate things with random bits of legal jargon and redirection.
One of my relatives used to say: “If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with BS”. And that’s exactly what this response entails. They’re attempting to place all responsibility on you to prove them wrong, but only they can decide whether you succeed or not. And that doesn’t fly.
6. “This isn’t important enough to pay any more attention to.”
A person who only argues to win usually takes it upon themselves to arbitrarily decide whether the subject in question is worthy of their time and attention. Or not.
You’ll often see this dynamic in situations where one is in a position of power over the other. They’re implying that this topic is so far beneath them that they aren’t interested in dignifying it with another moment of attention.
When a person uses a phrase like this, they’re attempting to position themselves above you, rather like playing “king of the castle” as children. They get to make the rules up as they go along, and if you don’t play along the way they’d like, then they’ll banish you (and anything you have to say).
Let them stomp away to go sit at the top of their gravel heap if they really want to. Their behavior tells you all you need to know about them, and it’s not worth engaging with them further.
7. “I refuse to discuss this further.”
While this can be a valid way of ending an argument that is going round in circles, it can also be a phrase someone uses when it becomes apparent that they don’t have a leg to stand on.
Rather than conceding that the person they’re arguing with has salient points, they’ll choose to abandon the discussion to avoid “losing” it. They aren’t interested in understanding other people’s perspectives, nor accepting that there may be any value in what’s being said.
All they’re interested in is shutting down the discussion before they can lose. You’ll often notice signs of emotional strain in them when they say things like this.
For example, their voice might shake or crack, or they might pace around as they speak. A simple and very effective counter to this phrase is: ‘then you concede the argument’.
Essentially, by refusing to discuss it anymore, that means they acknowledge that they’ve lost.
After saying this, walk away in as relaxed and carefree a manner as you can muster. Doing so will drive your opponent crazy, as all they cared about was “winning,” and you took that from them.
Final thoughts…
The way a person behaves during an argument will tell you a lot about the type of rapport you can have with them.
Someone who treats you with respect and courtesy, who listens to you and works with you to resolve issues, is a person you’ll be able to have a strong relationship with. Even if you don’t like each other much, you’ll still have mutual respect.
In closer kinships, such as with a family member or intimate partner, the willingness to understand one another and negotiate arguments with care (or not) can either make or break your relationship. That’s why the lost art of civil disagreement is such a valuable skill to learn.
