You’ve likely noticed that some people can’t stand to be alone. If they don’t have someone with them at all times, they feel intensely lonely.
Either they’ll go somewhere so they don’t have to be by themselves, or they’ll talk on the phone in order to satisfy the need for human connection. They might even have the TV or radio going at all times just to hear other voices.
In contrast, people who can be alone without feeling lonely tend to thrive in solitude, and psychology teaches us that it’s usually because of these habits that transform their alone time into beauty, peace, and creativity.
1. They create meaningful personal rituals and routines.
Believe it or not, neither my partner nor I have ever felt lonely, even in periods of extended solitude and isolation.
During these periods, we both established personal rituals that we did over the course of each day.
These helped us adhere to regular routines, which created the foundational framework of our lives, and psychology confirms this can help to stave off loneliness. And even though we now live together, we still maintain these rituals on a daily basis — some we do alone, while others we do in companionable silence.
In my case, I start and end each day with some type of exercise, whether it’s yoga or a run. In the morning, it’s followed by a fruit smoothie, and in the evening I have green tea.
Both of us like to wind down in the evenings by reading, whether it’s by the fireside in the cooler months, or out on the porch during the summer.
Adhering to these rituals helps to create a beautiful, healthy rhythm that keeps us grounded and prevents us from feeling lonely or “lacking” in any way.
2. They engage in creative pursuits.
Having a burning desire to pursue an interest (or improve upon an existing one) can absolutely eclipse any temporary need for socializing with others, and reduce feelings of loneliness.
When you’re fully locked into a project, barely coming up for air or remembering to eat, days — or even weeks — can pass by without you really noticing.
Another peripheral advantage to focusing on a creative interest is that while you’re doing it, you give your mind the space to work through emotional issues.
Some people use the creative process to exorcise their own internal baggage. Like Ovid’s metamorphosis, they use their own damage and challenges as a springboard to keep evolving.
3. They spend the time connecting with nature.
Those who have intense connections with nature rarely feel lonely at all. They don’t necessarily need a ton of pets or houseplants in the home with them — in fact, they may prefer to interact with wildlife outdoors rather than having dependents who will leave atrocious presents on the floor or sing the songs of their people at 3 a.m.
Maybe they go to the park regularly, where their squirrel and pigeon friends recognize them and take treats from their hands. Or they go for walks in the woods or by the beach to enjoy all the beauty that the natural world has to offer.
They walk in the rain or freshly falling snow, crunch autumn leaves beneath their boot heels, go on solitary camping or kayaking trips, and sleep beneath the stars.
It’s nearly impossible to feel lonely when you feel connected to nature’s magnificence. In fact, environmental psychologists have a name for this feeling: ecological belonging.
4. They make their home their palace.
People who don’t feel lonely when alone usually turn their homes into bastions of solace and solitude.
They pour energy into making their dwelling as wonderful and beautiful as possible, so it’s as soul-nurturing and pleasing to them as it can be.
For example, they may focus on cultivating their garden or making their bedroom the ideal place for them to be.
Personally, I have a little corner of the house that’s set up as my study/downtime area. Behind me are all the tools I need for my day-to-day living, so it’s both practical and comfortable, and in front of me are the wood stove and bookshelves. This makes the area both practical and immensely cozy.
5. They embrace solo outings and “self-dates.”
A person who can be alone without feeling lonely is a person who’s comfortable doing things by themselves without feeling awkward about it. In fact, they often revel in the opportunity to go on little solo “dates” where they can enjoy themselves fully without having to engage with another person.
Before we got together, my partner used to go to the museum to draw every Friday after work. She followed this by having sushi at her favorite restaurant before heading home to read.
In addition to these “self-dates,” she also liked to travel by herself so she could explore new places on her own terms, instead of being dragged around or having her own plans derailed by a travel companion’s wants and expectations.
Being alone doesn’t cause loneliness if you enjoy (or learn to enjoy) your own company.
6. They use the time to daydream and think deeply.
People who enjoy their own company often use the “boredom” times they have alone to think deeply about things.
For example, if they are alone in a healthcare waiting room and don’t have a book with them, they may simply sit and contemplate various things.
Being alone and un-engaged in conversation allows them to explore different thoughts, imagine creatively (including problem-solving), and simply daydream.
While the advent of cellphones has reduced many people’s ability to sit in solitude and let the mind wander, those who can be alone without feeling lonely are often more likely to set aside their phones in favor of daydreaming and thinking deeply about a wide variety of things. And research shows it has many benefits.
They aren’t as quick to distract themselves from their thoughts, but instead delve into them eagerly and enthusiastically, often to great effect.
7. They use the alone time to heal.
The old adage states that time heals all wounds, but that isn’t necessarily completely true.
A more accurate statement would be: “well-spent time heals wounds incrementally”.
It’s not easy to figure out what you need to heal and replenish emotionally if you’re always in the company of others. Or if you spend your alone time doing all you can to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that well up out of the past.
The important thing to realize here is that the memories that arise from the shadows are the clues and signs that point to what needs to be fixed.
Someone who’s able to spend their alone time in deep introspection and what Carl Jung referred to as “shadow work” is a person who looks at these messages and tries to decipher them, rather than running away from them because they’re uncomfortable.
These thoughts tend to arise in times of solitude, but most people run from them instead of sitting with them and allowing them to draw attention to what needs nurturing.
In contrast, those who don’t fear solitude are often more comfortable contemplating these shadows and embracing them with loving kindness and compassion rather than anger or fear.
However, it’s worth saying that sometimes, the difficulty with alone time often stems from these shadows, particularly in the case of unresolved trauma. In these cases, working with a therapist is advisable, and in doing so, the ability to enjoy time alone may evolve.
8. They embrace being “ugly.”
Do you remember being wild and free as a child, and not caring what others thought of your appearance?
You might have spent your days running around in the woods and come home grinning with scraped knees, muddy feet, and twigs in your matted, filthy hair, and you didn’t care a whit.
You had a glorious time and never even noticed if anyone was looking at you with a moue of disdain. But that’s a far cry from life as an adult, where we often either feel like we need to put effort into looking presentable, or it’s dictated to us by our workplaces.
As such, people often feel an immense relief when they’re able to drop those pretenses and go full “goblincore” once they’re alone, particularly if those clothes don’t feel authentic to them or are otherwise restricting.
They might dress in the rattiest, most comfortable clothing possible and wander around eating PB from the jar with a spoon, free from the prying, judging eyes of others.
The emotional and psychological release of not being perceived, nor having to put effort into being visually appealing enough for those around them, is indescribably awesome to experience, not to mention the way comforting fabrics can soothe our nervous system.
For many people, it’s one of the most simple, but powerful joys of being alone.
Final thoughts…
Many think there’s something “wrong” with a person who doesn’t yearn for human company all the time, but it’s just a different way of being.
They can’t understand how anyone can be immune to loneliness, and those who find alone time uncomfortable may even take it as a personal offense if someone doesn’t want (or need) to hang out with them.
There can be many reasons why an individual is uncomfortable alone, from natural extraversion to past traumas, but while it may not ever come naturally to them, learning how to make solitude feel peaceful instead of empty is both possible and beneficial.
