If you’re like the countless other people who have masked near constantly in order to navigate your way through life or avoid being ostracized, it’s possible that you aren’t entirely certain who you are anymore.
Over time, we grow so accustomed to being chameleons who mask and mirror to fit in with those around us that we lose track of what’s real and what’s a pretense.
But you don’t have to live this way, because it’s not really living, is it? By making the following daily choices, you can eventually lead a life that’s as free from masks as humanly possible.
1. Centering your own wants and needs instead of someone else’s.
Many people maintain masks throughout their lives in order to keep those around them happy.
As such, they’ll decenter themselves in favor of others and will set aside their own needs and wants in order to make others happier or more comfortable.
Case in point: a friend of mine who is autistic has had ARFID (an eating disorder often related to sensory issues) since childhood. This means there are only a few foods she can eat without extreme nausea or other negative physical responses.
Her family and (now-former) partner always gave her grief about being a “picky eater,” and in the past, she tried to force herself to broaden her palate and suppress her genuine needs to avoid their mockery, causing herself significant distress and ill health in the process.
Now, she makes it abundantly clear that she won’t spend time with anyone who gives her grief about accommodating her needs. She broke up with her partner and only sees her family a few times a year, and she leaves their presence if they’re critical of her food choices.
For you, this will likely look different. For example, it might involve leaving a party early because you’re exhausted, saying no to overtime when you’re already stretched thin, or stating your preference about what movie you watch rather than always defaulting to your partner’s choice.
Essentially, you’re treating your own needs as important as everyone else’s.
Because they are.
2. Recognizing and respecting your own capacities and limitations.
No two people will have the same amount of energy and capability to do various things throughout the day.
While one might bound out of bed at dawn to go for a run before working an eight-hour shift and then do volunteer work in the evening, another may only have enough capacity to do some house chores and take a shower before collapsing in exhaustion.
That doesn’t mean that the former person is “better” than the latter: they just have different capabilities and limitations.
Recognizing and respecting your own instead of running yourself ragged to match another’s output (or meet someone else’s expectations of you) is an excellent way to work towards a life free from masking (and a healthier, happier one at that).
3. Responding to things sincerely instead of choosing the option that would make others happy.
How often have you laughed at something that you found offensive in order to play along with everyone around you? Or feigned interest in a topic you didn’t care about when someone had you as a captive audience?
Of course, it’s important to show a certain amount of politeness in certain circumstances. For example, smiling when your boss makes a corny “Dad” joke instead of giving them the stink-eye and risking getting fired. But wasting precious minutes of your life pretending that you feel or think something that you don’t is like wearing a mask that gets heavier every second that you’re donning it.
If someone makes a joke or comment that you find offensive or upsetting, call them out on it (as long as it’s safe to do so) or walk away instead of smiling along so they don’t get upset.
Similarly, if you’re not interested in attending an event that someone’s inviting you to, you can absolutely decline the invitation graciously instead of accepting it and being miserable later.
You can’t make everyone happy all the time, and a lot of people will choose to be offended no matter what you do. So make choices that feel right and true to you, rather than pandering to others’ demands of you.
4. Wearing clothes that make you feel both comfortable and confident.
Most of us have breathed a massive sigh of relief when we got home from work, school, or an event and could strip off our uncomfortable clothing in favor of something more comfortable, or that more accurately expresses who we are.
And while we all have to play roles from time to time within the confines of society (like not showing up to work in pajamas), it’s also vitally important to choose items we can wear confidently and comfortably instead of wanting to tear our skin off.
Try on a wide variety of clothes so you can determine which fabrics and textures you like, and which you can’t bear to have against your skin.
From there, you can determine what styles suit your body best. Do you feel better with loose, stretchy clothing rather than tight zippers and stiff fabrics? Or do tighter, structured items make you feel less anxious?
Keep notes about what you like and dislike so it’s easier for you to shop for yourself in the future.
5. Doing hobbies and pursuits you love regardless of anyone else’s opinion.
It’s important to do things that fuel your heart and spirit as often as possible. I aim to either read or knit a little bit every day, while other people I know play computer games, bake, make wooden crafts, and so on.
The key is to pour your energy into things that you sincerely love, rather than adhering to someone else’s expectations of what you “should” be doing.
For example, if you love YA fantasy books but don’t read them because family members make fun of you for doing so, it’s time to prioritize those and let the naysayers know that their opinions aren’t welcome.
The same goes for playing games, doing crafts, making miniatures for dollhouses, or anything you love. Whatever brings you joy should be a daily priority wherever possible, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says about it.
6. Not saying “I’m fine” when something is bothering you.
One of the key ways that many people mask with others is to pretend that everything is okay when it’s really not.
For example, if they’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed in a concert crowd, but don’t admit to it because they don’t want to disappoint their friend by asking to leave early.
Admitting to things that bother you can be scary, especially if you’ve learned the hard way that letting others know that they’ve done something that bothers or upsets you often results in alienation or even abandonment.
But those who sincerely love and care about you will respect and support your boundaries, rather than ditching you as soon as your authenticity becomes inconvenient to them.
7. Honor your sensory needs.
Countless people struggle through life because of the sensory overload they’re subjected to at all times.
They spend an extraordinary amount of time and energy bracing against auditory and visual overwhelm, and then have a meltdown when they’re safe at home and can finally release all the tension they’ve been holding in all day.
A lot of this can be avoided (or at least minimized) by making daily choices that honor your sensory needs.
For example, I use earplugs when I go grocery shopping or take public transit. If it would benefit you, you can talk to your employer about accommodations such as noise-cancelling headphones and written rather than verbal instructions. Not only do these things benefit you, but they also benefit your employer because they’ll get the best out of you.
Similarly, at home, you can create a code word or phrase with your partner for when you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to retreat into solitude to regroup.
8. Try out different things to find out who you really are.
As you slowly learn to unmask so you can live more authentically, you may discover that you aren’t really sure what you like and dislike.
After all, you’ve spent most of your life pretending to be a different version of yourself that those around you consider more acceptable and palatable to be around.
As such, you may need to try out a number of different things in order to determine what you honestly like and dislike, and who you really are.
You may discover that you seriously dislike a food you’ve been eating for decades, or that you despise the color your home is decorated in.
Maybe you’re actually attracted to a different gender, or the special interests you’ve quashed for so long because they’re “weird” are the topics you’re the most passionate about.
This is the time for you to expand your horizons and try out the things you’ve been avoiding for the sake of others’ approval, rather than sincere enjoyment of your own beautiful, unique existence.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to note that there are times when unmasking isn’t the best or safest option. Everyone has to adhere to certain social expectations at times, even when we’re disinclined to do so.
This doesn’t mean that you need to pretend to be someone you’re not. But doing something like adhering to a reasonable request to wear dark, modest clothing at a funeral when you’d rather wear something else is a temporary measure that respects the situation and the grieving family.
The key is to be as authentic and unmasked as possible in your everyday life, which will make the occasional need for protocol adherence much easier to navigate.
