Can you honestly say that you behave authentically in every situation you’re in? Or do you second-guess your own actions and tailor them to keep others around you happy? While being tactful and negotiating the most beneficial course of action is admirable a lot of the time, it’s often excruciating to do so when those actions run counter to everything you really are.
What’s more, sometimes, you may not even realize that you’re betraying yourself because you’re so used to doing so that it has become second nature. See if any of the following seem a little too familiar to you. If they do, it’s a good sign that you’re not living in alignment with who you truly are.
1. Going along with things you absolutely don’t believe in.
Do you remember the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes? Everyone was fully aware that dudebro was stark naked, but they all played along and pretended that he was garbed in the most magnificent clothes imaginable because they didn’t want to be seen as ignorant, nor did they want to be ostracized for being unsupportive.
In the same vein, you may have been nodding, smiling, and going along with what other people are saying about a particular subject because you don’t want to become the subject of their ire by disagreeing with them. Even if it goes against everything you believe in and everything you are, you may find yourself biting your tongue and hating yourself for it.
2. Keeping the peace.
When you live in a shared space, whether that’s with family or friends, doing your best to ensure that the different parties within your sphere are playing nicely together is a noble, albeit exhausting, endeavor.
It may require you to make personal sacrifices, such as agreeing to group activities you aren’t interested in (and intruding upon your own plans), or carrying more than your fair share of the household chores for the sake of preserving domestic harmony.
You may be told this is very selfless of you, when in fact, you’re ignoring what’s right and reasonable for yourself, and instead attempting to pacify the more fractious members of your group with time and energy you’ll never get back.
It’s not down to you to betray yourself and your own needs to try to keep the peace. If this is a cycle that keeps repeating, then it’s likely the troublemakers have realized that this is a beneficial arrangement for them and therefore have no incentive to change anything. If you’ve tried to be the peacemaker and it leaves you feeling empty or lost, then your subconscious is likely telling you that you’re betraying your principles in order to attain temporary peace.
3. Doing activities you hate to make others happy.
This may be for a partner, a friend, or even your kid. Essentially, you might have found yourself stuck doing an activity that you’re entirely opposed to, but you’ve been cajoled or guilted into doing anyway. Once you’ve done this, you’ve set a precedent that you’ll place your own preferences (and even your own peace of mind) as secondary to making other people happy.
Of course, some compromise is necessary for those you love, but taking it too far becomes erosive to your well-being over time. It’s also very difficult to undo the precedent you’ve set. Other people will expect you to keep throwing yourself under the bus for their benefit, disrespecting your peace and happiness in the process.
I made the mistake of setting aside my own values in favor of honoring a family member’s requests of me. Furthermore, I assumed that showing this loyalty would earn their respect and reciprocation.
I was wrong on both counts, and all I achieved was to set a precedent where this person thought they could use me indefinitely without consequences. It took a long time for me to re-establish my self-respect after that particular character-building exercise, but it was a valuable lesson to learn.
4. Showing affection out of obligation rather than desire.
Many of us have remained in romantic relationships long past their expiry date. Sometimes we’ve stayed out of a sense of duty, while other times it’s because the stress and disruption of leaving would have been far worse than the smothering discomfort of remaining. So we plastered fake smiles on our faces, exchanged pleasantries over meals, and did performative intimacy as expected, all while dying inside bit by bit.
If you feel that your relationship is smothering you, or if intimacy with your partner feels obligatory or downright wrong to you, then you’re absolutely betraying yourself by remaining in that situation. Make a plan to extricate yourself as soon as you possibly can so you don’t end up with further damage and even less self-respect.
5. Pretending that you’re something you’re not to avoid becoming a pariah.
Far too many of us have played roles to fit in with others, or to prevent ourselves from being ostracized by those who claim to care about us (as long as we keep up appearances and play by their rules).
Maybe you’ve set aside your intimate preferences in order to remain accepted by your community. Or you’ve acquiesced to a particular life path when every part of you is screaming to take a different one.
You know that you’re living a lie, betraying the reality of who you are, but you’re so afraid of losing the safety net of all the people you care about that you maintain the role indefinitely, while slowly dying inside.
6. Choosing instant gratification rather than dedication because you fear failure.
Easy wins are often a lot more satisfying than long-term goals. If you don’t trust yourself to be dedicated enough to attain your aims, you may set them aside in favor of easy wins instead. Instant gratification gives you little dopamine bursts: “happy” chemicals that are immensely satisfying but also fleeting.
Chasing these dopamine hits distracts you from the things that are truly meaningful to you; those things you’re afraid of pursuing in case you fail. You may know full well that you’re skirting the things that really matter because the risk of failure is too painful to countenance. Somewhere along the line, something made you forget what a strong, brave, capable force of nature you really are, and gave your self-doubt a speakerphone rather than a pacifier.
7. Setting aside what’s important to you under the guise of being dutiful or easygoing.
No matter what you have planned or what’s important to you, you likely set it aside in favor of being available to those who want your energy. You might do this to maintain your position as the friend who can always be depended upon. Alternatively, you might have established a persona of being the eternally easygoing, chill person who’s willing to change your schedule at the drop of a hat to accommodate theirs. No worries, man. It’s all good.
But doing this type of thing repeatedly means that you’re betraying your wants, your needs, and yourself for the sake of earning other people’s approval. It’s possible that you don’t want to rock the boat and risk displacing yourself from the social position you’ve earned. Or you feel that if you don’t help when asked to, bad things will happen. Either way, you’re placing yourself as the bottom rung on the ladder, to be forever trodden upon by those who see themselves as better or more important than you.
8. Insisting that you’re happy with your life when you aren’t.
Do you have a set schedule that you adhere to on a daily basis that keeps you focused and occupied? What happens when you deviate from that schedule and have free time to contemplate your existence for a little while? If you’re betraying who you really are, you likely do your best to fill those gaps with entertainment or responsibility so that you don’t have to spend much time alone with your thoughts. Because if you did, you’d have to face the reality of how unhappy you are.
Countless people keep themselves distracted by duties, chores, and other tasks so they can avoid the nagging voice in their head that’s begging them — albeit with a whisper rather than a scream — to please, please acknowledge the truth.
Final thoughts…
I’ve read a lot of books over the course of my life, and some quotes are permanently etched into my memory. One of them is this:
“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment
Keeping this quote in mind has made me rethink a lot of the actions I used to take that didn’t align with my authentic self. Being true to ourselves is usually the more difficult path, but it is ultimately far more rewarding than the alternative could ever be.
