Is it possible to emotionally neglect yourself? Absolutely. Life is busy and stressful. Many of us have so much to do at any given time. You don’t always have time to sit down and feel your feelings before you have to bounce off to the next responsibility. In fact, some people count on that. They purposefully fill their schedule so they don’t have to stop and think about their feelings.
But that’s not healthy. If you don’t give yourself permission to take care of your own feelings, then they can just fester and get worse. The pain and stress just pile up more and more until it becomes overwhelming. To avoid that, let’s examine some signs that you need to take some time to take care of yourself.
1. You minimize your pain by telling yourself that other people have it worse.
Yes, they do. Someone, somewhere, always has it worse. However, that doesn’t mean that your pain or struggles are invalid. Suffering is not a competition, yet so many people choose to make it into one because we have such a hard time practicing compassion. This is called emotional invalidation.
Dr. Sharon Martin writes about it from the perspective of someone else doing it to you, but I’m sure if you read through her writing, you’ll hear a lot of things you’ve told yourself before. We often do this because somewhere along the way, we internalized these messages from others. We’re told to appreciate what we have, and that’s not wrong. But you can be grateful for your life whilst still acknowledging that parts of it suck. It’s not gratitude to deny suffering exists. That’s just toxic positivity.
2. You have a hard time naming your feelings past general descriptions.
Who among us has not answered “I’m fine” or “I’m just tired” in place of saying how we are actually feeling? Sometimes it’s to hide the real feelings, other times it’s because we haven’t taken the time to sit down and process what we’re experiencing. Emotions can be complicated and tangled.
You have to actually take time to sit down and detangle them so you can put a more accurate name to them. This can be particularly tricky for those with alexithymia, because they genuinely struggle to identify and describe their own feelings. But interoception exercises can help, and once you can put an accurate name to your feelings, you can then look for solutions that will help you.
3. You push yourself until some sort of crisis happens.
Busy, busy, busy. Gotta stay busy. So much to do, so little time. Definitely no time to pause, take a breath for yourself. Definitely no time to make sure you’re okay, right up until you’re having an emotional or mental breakdown that prevents you from participating in your life.
Human beings cannot go nonstop. Yet we hear “She’s a machine!” Oh yeah? And what happens to machines when they don’t get proper maintenance? They explode, or lock up, or some other super bad thing that can lead to injuries and death. Yet, we push ourselves to just keep going and going and going until we break down. It’s not healthy.
You can’t wait until you’re on the verge of a breakdown to start doing maintenance on yourself. If you do it regularly, you make the whole machine run smoother, for longer.
4. You dismiss your own emotions as being too much.
Maybe you’ve come to believe that you are too sensitive, or too emotional, or just too much. As New Leaf Marriage & Family Therapy shares, this often stems from struggling with self-worth and self-esteem.
In truth, the lack of acknowledgement of your feelings may be what is causing you to be too sensitive. The more you hold back and build up, the more stress it causes you, which takes more emotional energy. That emotional energy just piles up and piles up, making things worse.
Even if you have some problems that cause emotional sensitivity, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Rather, it doesn’t need to be painted as a bad thing. Sometimes, having those raw emotions can be so healing if you take them and direct them into your efforts for peace and happiness. Not addressing it at all will just make it worse.
5. You easily show compassion to others while you’re critical of yourself.
Have you ever given a friend a pep talk who was going through a hard time? Have you told them that their emotions are valid, and it’s healthy for them to get them out? Can you tell yourself the same thing just as easily? Because so many people want to punish themselves for having emotions at all, as though humans aren’t driven mostly by their emotions.
You deserve kindness and compassion from yourself, just as much as anyone else. Life is hard, and we’re left with scars that make it difficult to navigate. Practicing kindness toward yourself can be one of the hardest things to learn how to do, but it’s such a necessary lesson. You are just as deserving of the same kindness that you show others.
6. You feel guilty for having boundaries, wanting reassurance, or care.
People who have been made to feel like a burden will struggle with the act of receiving love, even from themselves. They may not feel like they deserve it or that they deserve to have boundaries to encourage good behavior toward them. So many people look at boundaries as a wall, rather than as an instruction manual on how they want to be treated.
Boundaries ensure the most sensitive parts of you are treated tenderly and with respect. And even if you don’t feel like you deserve it, basic respect is not something that you should need to earn from anyone, including yourself. Everyone deserves a baseline level of respect, and you deserve it from yourself just as much as anyone else.
7. You don’t consider your emotional battery when you agree to something.
People-pleasers are often emotionally neglecting themselves. They’re seeking their approval and validation from outside sources because they don’t feel good about doing it for themselves. Part of that is just agreeing to things when asked, because it’s a reflex. It’s the brain defaulting into agreement because of reflexive conditioning, without considering how it fits into your schedule.
It’s normal and healthy to take a minute to consider your own needs and wants. Do you need to do this? Maybe you do. Maybe you owe the person a favor, or maybe you just really like them. Or, maybe you don’t need to, maybe you just don’t want to. That’s perfectly valid, too. Other people will be more than happy to pack your schedule with their needs if you let them. Don’t let them.
Final thoughts…
You can’t neglect your own emotions and maintain quality mental health. Emotions need to be addressed when they arise, loved, and let go of. If you try to avoid them, they will just keep piling up and piling up until the dam bursts, and you have a mental breakdown. That’s no fun for anyone, particularly you!
Take the time to work on your acceptance of your own emotions. Once you do, they’re also more manageable because you’re venting off that emotional energy rather than letting it back up to a dangerous level. It’s processed in small pieces, so take those small steps to a mentally healthier you.
