Do you think or believe the exact same things you did when you were a child? Most of us had preferences and ideas back then that seem silly to us now, whether it was a penchant for ketchup sandwiches or the viewpoint that anyone who didn’t like our favorite cartoon must have been a numbskull.
While we naturally outgrow a lot of our perspectives and predilections as we go through life, we often either become trapped in or cling to others, and the latter rarely serve us well. To become the best version of yourself, you need to be willing to try and outgrow the following:
1. Accepting mistreatment to be seen as cool and easy-going.
Most people have experienced situations in which they accepted mistreatment by others and said that it didn’t matter or didn’t bother them, because they wanted to be seen as chill and easy-going rather than difficult. After all, behaving that way made them much more appealing to those they wanted to endear themselves to.
The problem with people-pleasing, self-neglecting behavior like this is that it results in perpetually being taken for granted. If you don’t put up any boundaries, then others have free rein to walk all over you. Basically, letting everyone know that you don’t care whether they mistreat you or not usually encourages them to take full advantage of that.
2. Shrinking yourself to stop others from feeling discomfort around you.
I’m a big guy with a low voice that projects quite strongly, and that combination can make some people uncomfortable. Because of this, I spent many years slouching, softening my voice, and moving around gingerly so as not to potentially unnerve those around me. But that didn’t serve me because I wasn’t being true to myself.
Embracing self-confidence and authenticity in this regard didn’t mean becoming aggressive or unkind, but instead involved speaking in my natural voice, as well as standing and walking naturally instead of shrinking inwards.
If other people have told you that you’re “too much” in various situations, you may also have shrunk yourself to be more acceptable in their eyes. Maybe you’ve held back your enthusiasm about the things you love so you didn’t annoy them with your delight, dressing “down” so as not to attract attention, or even literally trying to make yourself smaller so you don’t take up the space you don’t feel you deserve.
It’s time to stop this. Embracing your full self and outgrowing this self-shrinkification can be immensely beneficial across the board.
3. Accepting the stereotypes and beliefs that are handed down to us, or that our brains try to convince us of.
I see a lot of angry individuals online spouting vitriol about how awful people of X variety are. Some of them were raised to believe things about certain demographics, even though they had never spent much time with those who belong to them. Or they had some bad experiences and have decided that the billions of people who share traits with the ones who hurt them are inherently “bad.”
It’s understandable, because this type of stereotyping is a cognitive shortcut that our brains automatically engage in to help us quickly analyze and predict situations. But the problem is that people are unique, complex individuals who cannot simply be lumped together, no matter how much our brains try to convince us otherwise, and it takes really conscious effort to grow out of this automatic habit.
Often, one of the best things that can happen if you’ve had an experience like this is to spend time with the groups you are biased towards. This is because it can help you to realize that the echo chambers you’ve been living in don’t always actually reflect reality. It gives you the opportunity to outgrow your own prejudices and become better, kinder individuals as a result.
4. Nonchalance as a perceived character trait.
In their youth, a lot of people cultivated a persona of not giving a damn about much. At the time, they may have felt that it made them seem chill and unbothered by anything, but that trait becomes less and less endearing as they get older. After all, few people want to get into serious relationships with those who make it clear that they don’t care about anything or anyone.
Quite a few people cultivate this nonchalance due to fear of failure (FOF). It’s a self-defense mechanism in case they do poorly at something: if they give the impression that they don’t care and aren’t really trying, then it doesn’t matter if they fail. But this is a huge barrier if you want to become the best version of yourself. It’s far better to choose to care instead; to pour time and energy into people and pursuits that you love (and accept the risks that come with that) than go through life as if nothing matters to you at all.
5. Choosing comfortable stagnation out of fear of the unknown.
The unknown is scary. We have no idea how any situation is going to pan out, so it’s a lot easier to remain in a comfortable, known situation rather than risking potential stress or grief. Unfortunately, even though still waters may run deep in some situations, they’re also prone to stagnation.
A person who wants to become a bigger, better, more capable version of themselves needs to push past the safeguards they’ve put up and be willing to risk potential discomfort for the sake of personal development. You don’t have to take a massive leap all of a sudden, however; you can take small steps outside of your comfort zone, moving forward incrementally as you gain strength and confidence.
6. Damaging yourself for the sake of “fun.”
Many of us partook in self-destructive behaviors for “fun” when we were younger. This might have involved drinking to excess with friends and forgoing sleep for the sake of packing as much fun as possible into our evenings and weekends.
Some individuals keep going with these behaviors as they get older, even if doing so damages them in the process. For example, they may feel pressured to keep up with their partners or peers even when they know this behavior is depleting or harming them. Real growth and maturity involve recognizing our limitations and working within them, rather than trying to push through regardless of the consequences.
7. Identities that no longer fit.
Let’s say a person who was awkward or mistreated by their peers in their teens discovers that they’re more accepted by others if they play the clown. As a result, they cultivate the identity of the light-hearted fool: cracking jokes all the time, making lewd comments to make other people laugh, even doing pratfalls or other silly behavior to entertain the crowd.
While this may have served their purpose well in their youth, it may have become quite trying over time — especially if others expect them to keep behaving the same way at 40 as they did at 14. This often happens when a person remains in the place where they grew up, surrounded by the individuals they’ve known since childhood. When they try to grow away from this goofy persona, others condemn them for changing.
If this sounds familiar to you, it’s probably become immensely confining for you, as you may now feel forced to maintain a version of yourself that you outgrew decades ago. But it’s never too late to shed a persona that doesn’t serve you, and step into the real you. The moment to do that is right now.
8. Treating others as disposable.
There’s been a troubling trend in recent years in which people have begun to treat other individuals as disposable. Rather than working on problems in relationships, they simply discard partners in favor of less challenging ones.
We see similar behaviors between employers and their staff, in which instead of valuing employees for their capabilities and contributions, they’re swift to fire and replace them at a moment’s notice.
If you want to become a better version of yourself, do some soul searching to see if this applies to you. Do you consider other human beings to be disposable and easily replaceable rather than valuable, cherished individuals who deserve real time, effort, courtesy, and respect?
9. Picking up a pitchfork without good reason.
A person who’s always been quick to jump into difficult situations at the drop of a hat may regret some of the things they’ve done in retrospect. For example, they may have joined in with peers to condemn, ostracize, or even punish others based on gossip or hearsay rather than solid evidence.
This is why it’s so important for personal growth to learn how to analyze situations and make up your own mind about them rather than being overly influenced by other people. This is especially important when the effect of taking action before weighing evidence may result in someone else’s suffering; for example, doxxing an individual who’s been accused of wrongdoing and encouraging others to harass them without any evidence that they’re actually guilty.
Final thoughts…
Nobody on this planet is perfect: we all have a lot of room for improvement, and more will pop up as we go through life and navigate different situations. This is why it’s so important to constantly examine our own stances on things, challenge ourselves, and seek to understand our motivations.
By doing so, we can find the gaps in our personal development and determine the best ways for us to evolve further. There is never shame in admitting when a viewpoint or action no longer serves us: by doing so, we have the opportunity to keep leveling up indefinitely.
