How many times have you come across someone who has proudly announced how high their standards were? Probably more than once. But many people claim to have sky-high standards for both themselves and others, when it’s actually a cover story for their intense control issues. They won’t admit that they’re controlling, of course, and instead insist that they simply aim for the best and expect that same behavior from others in their lives.
Don’t be fooled. The examples below are some of the most common situations in which someone’s supposed high standards are actually major control issues disguised as perfectionism or sky-high expectations.
1. In dating or relationships, when they want to change you to their ideal.
When someone insists that you fit into their parameters of a high standard and then tries to control what you eat, wear, or do, it’s usually a thinly veiled attempt at trying to control you. Basically, they want to reshape you into their ideal version of who you could be, rather than let you be and decide for yourself who you are. They want a doll, rather than an equal companion and partner.
Nothing makes this clearer than when you decide to turn things around and ask them to change some aspect of their lifestyle. They’ll immediately get defensive about wanting to be accepted exactly as they are, and that there’s nothing about their life choices or appearance that needs improvement. Ultimately, their high standards only apply to others and just happen to coincide with their personal preferences.
2. When it comes to food and eating habits.
In a surprising number of situations, people who claim to have high standards as far as food choices go actually have disordered eating. One approach is refusing to eat leftovers, which might have less to do with standards and more to do with bad experiences with food poisoning in the past. Orthorexia is another example of this type of behavior, that is, being obsessed with healthy foods or particular diets. You’ll often see this latter type of control in people who struggled with their weight in the past and are determined to maintain their current physique at all costs.
This control, under the guise of standards, can also be turned towards other people in their lives. For instance, someone may insist that they only feed their child small portions of organic or macrobiotic food “for their benefit.” Or they might control their partner’s food intake by insisting on doing the grocery shopping and cooking under the guise of having expensive taste and sky-high standards.
3. When they lecture others on the “right way” to do things, only for those standards to change.
Those of us who either grew up with controlling parents or had nightmarish teachers and employers often witnessed hypocrisy and double standards from those who were supposed to be guiding us through life. In my case, I received countless lectures about the “right way” to do various things, from house cleaning to carpentry projects, and was punished when and if I didn’t adhere to my instructors’ high standards. Meanwhile, when the time came for them to do those same tasks, they used shortcuts and workarounds, with the type of laissez-faire attitude they’d never tolerate from anyone else.
In these situations, people use their supposedly stringent standards as a means of controlling those around them. They’ll be steadfast about how important it is to adhere to the exacting standards they established, and how disappointing it is when others fall short of that mark. Yet those measures don’t apply to them, for some convenient reason.
4. When it comes to micromanaging others.
The underlying motivation behind many people’s control issues is anxiety and the need to control their environments in order to feel safe and secure. As such, many of them hide their controlling behaviors behind a facade of high standards and will therefore micromanage everyone around them.
They’ll have a great deal of difficulty delegating tasks to others because they feel that nobody but themselves will be able to do them properly. They want others to behave and perform exactly the way they like, and if they don’t, they’ll be insulted, punished, or infantilized as a means of exerting control. Essentially, it’s a case of “Do it my way, or I’ll do it myself and berate you into next year for being too incompetent to meet my standards.”
5. When someone is unable to perceive nuance, even though it’s damaging their relationships.
People who need things to be done in a particular way often have very black-and-white thinking, and either cannot or choose not to understand (or accept) the very valid reasons why someone else isn’t adhering to their standards.
For example, if that other person doesn’t spend a couple of hours at the gym every single day the same way they do, then it must be because they’re lazy, rather than acknowledging that they may have an illness or physical limitation preventing them from doing so.
It is worth noting that for some individuals, this difficulty in seeing nuance stems from neurodivergent brain wiring, such as in autistic individuals, rather than coming from a desire to control others. And what’s more, it can be a positive in many ways, for example, bringing with it a strong sense of morals and justice.
That said, regardless of the driving force, it can contribute to conflict in their relationships, whether it’s between partners or spouses, parents and children, friends, or colleagues. The one with the “high standards” struggles to accept that someone else’s technique, perspective, approach, or other life choice is just as valid as their own, and may end up alienating people around them who don’t behave as they do, or as they want.
6. When it comes to specific tastes in chosen media/entertainment.
People who have terribly low self-esteem often build themselves up by aligning themselves with a particular niche. For example, one person may pursue high academia and have exacting standards in literature, while another might get obsessed with certain forms of entertainment and tie their ego to their high standards for music or films.
The latter option can cause major contention if those they associate with dare to enjoy music or movies that they consider to be “inferior”. They may be crazy about a particular style of folk music, for example, and insist that it’s the best thing ever and that any other genre is subpar or a waste of time in comparison.
Furthermore, they may prevent those around them from enjoying the types of media that actually bring them happiness. By refusing to expand their own horizons, they prevent themselves and others from appreciating real beauty.
Ironically, if ever two of these controlling individuals meet and they don’t share EXACTLY the same tastes, you can settle yourself down and make some popcorn, because it looks like the entertainment tonight will be to everyone else’s tastes after all.
7. When they need to keep their appearance meticulous.
Fashionable clothing, immaculate hair, regular skin treatments, etc., may all be explained as having high standards for themselves, when in reality they’re terrified of the aging process. They’re fighting against it tooth and nail, and since they can’t actually stop it, they can try to control its advance as fiercely as possible.
Clues about this can often be found in how they regard others whose appearance doesn’t match their own. They may accuse others of “letting themselves go” if they’re aging naturally instead of getting work done, for example, or implying that they look shabby or slovenly if they aren’t dressed in the latest fashions. You’ll also notice that they insult celebrities who are of a similar age to themselves if they don’t adhere to the same “standards” because they are accepting time’s inevitable changes instead of trying to cheat aging and death.
8. When it comes to house cleaning or decorating.
It’s a bit of a trope that anxious, high-strung individuals will obsess about keeping their homes clean, but this trope exists for a reason. A person who feels that they can’t control much of anything in their life can still focus their time, energy, and attention on changing the aesthetics of their domicile.
One person may channel their anxiety by scrubbing their bathroom with a toothbrush, while another might obsess over whatever is “in” this season, changing the colors, textures, and fabrics of their home on a regular basis. Quite simply, if they can’t control what’s inside them, they’ll cultivate meticulous standards of their immediate surroundings instead.
Final thoughts…
The phrase “as within, so without” rings true across the board here. Quite simply, when someone has extraordinarily high standards for themselves and others, it’s because they feel a lack of control on some fundamental level. It’s only by micromanaging the things within their reach that they can quell their deep-seated fears and insecurities.
They disguise their control issues as meticulous standards when, in fact, they’re being ruled by them. But those standards won’t fool others forever, and what’s more, those being ruled by their “standards” won’t stick around forever either.
