There are a lot of different types of people in this world, but many can be divided into two camps: givers and takers. Those who fall into the latter category generally see others as tools to use in order to attain their objectives. In contrast, the givers tend to do everything they can to make others’ lives happier, easier, more fulfilled, and so on.
Unfortunately, givers get taken advantage of because of this generous nature, and as such, they invariably end up depleted from being used so often. If this sounds familiar, here are some things you can do to be more selfish (and by extension, self-protective).
1. Don’t rush to do things for others that they’re fully capable of doing for themselves.
Most of us have come across individuals who have tried to pawn labor off on us that they were wholly capable of doing, because we were simply better or faster at it. But it’s not your responsibility to slave for others, and it’s healthier for them to do things for themselves to hone their own skills. You weren’t born typing 100wpm or writing perfect code: it took time and practice for you to get to that point, and others can do the same (or at least improve) with some effort, too.
When they come asking for help with something they’re capable of doing themselves, a firm “No” will suffice as a response. The more they plead with you to take on this labor, the clearer it’ll be that they don’t value you as a person but as a potential tool. This should give you all the incentive you need to be far more boundaried with them going forward.
2. Be less available.
Do you remember a time when you weren’t reachable 24/7 and could actually disconnect? These days, we’re expected to be on call for everyone else’s needs around the clock, and if we’re not, then we’re condemned for it. Those with strong boundaries are more comfortable telling others to sod off, but those who give too much of themselves perpetually make themselves available for others’ needs while neglecting their own.
It’s time to prioritize self-care and relax. Regardless of who’s making the demand, simply tell them you’re unavailable. Downtime and relaxation are more important than perpetual output. You don’t exist for others’ needs, and you deserve peace and quiet to do your own thing.
If the person who wants your energy is persistent, close the door, turn off your phone, and refuse to cave to their demands. Expect pushback, as a lot of folks don’t like it when others create new boundaries, but hold firm until they get the message.
3. Match other people’s energy.
Something I read about regularly on social media is when people go all-out for their spouses’ birthdays, only to receive next to nothing from them in return when their own birthdays roll around.
So many people pour an extraordinary amount of time and energy into those around them, and are willing to accept only the bare minimum in kind. Furthermore, they explain away this lack of reciprocation instead of acknowledging how hurt they are.
Those who have continually been disappointed by other people’s neglect towards them need to stop giving until they start receiving. Essentially, you should match the energy that others offer to you. If your spouse doesn’t buy you holiday, anniversary, or birthday gifts, don’t buy them any either. Similarly, if friends and family members consistently fail to show up when they’re needed, don’t be available when they ask for assistance.
4. Remember that sometimes, the best help you can offer is no help at all.
There’s an old phrase about how the universe helps those who help themselves. Well, the same goes for those who learn how to do things on their own without constantly asking others for assistance. Those who always turn to other people for help never learn to do things on their own. They don’t develop problem-solving skills of their own because someone else always solves their problems for them.
As a result, one of the best gifts you can offer another person is to not help them, even though that response can be an excruciating one — particularly if you care about them deeply.
If they care about you in turn, they’ll take the initiative to do their part rather than weaponizing ineptitude, resulting in piling more work on your plate. And if they turn the laundry red or break dishes, that’s fine: they can replace what they’ve ruined and learn the lesson of how to do it properly in the future.
5. Don’t take it upon yourself to fix others’ problems for them.
Although you may think it’s kind and immensely altruistic to step in and fix other people’s problems for them, that doesn’t really do them much good in the long run: as soon as you’re gone, they won’t have any tools to help themselves. If anything, they’ll immediately try to re-create the same unhealthy dynamic with the next viable individual.
Those who have depleted themselves to fix everything for others need to make the phrase “Not my circus, not my monkeys” a personal mantra. You can offer verbal support and encouragement, even point them in the right direction if necessary, but let others find the solutions to their own problems.
6. Literally remove yourself from the situation.
At times, the only sensible course of action is to distance oneself from others. This can be seen as selfish, but in fact, it’s a massive act of self-preservation. Furthermore, depending on the situation, it may be the last option after all other avenues have been tried, particularly if you’ve burnt yourself out offering light and kindness to those who do nothing but take from you.
By removing yourself from the equation, you’re not only saving yourself from being sucked dry, but you are also offering the antagonists the opportunity to become more self-sufficient. If you’re lucky, they might even clue into how their harmful actions have driven others away — including those who have helped them in the past.
7. Stop self-deception and acknowledge the reality of the situation.
It’s not easy to come to terms with the reality that someone close to you, who claims to care about you, is using you by refusing to pull their own weight. As a result, it’s much easier to ignore the truth of this matter and create excuses on their behalf, such as how they’re just going through a rough time and need your help. Sometimes there’s even a fantasy in play in which you might believe that things will get better, they’ll improve, this situation won’t last forever, and so on.
In reality, it’s unlikely that anything would change without real action being taken to do so. If you find yourself in this situation, know that giving so much of yourself without any real guarantee of positive change is simply going to wear you down.
You aren’t helping them, or yourself: you’re just enabling them while you’re breaking apart, bit by bit. By accepting reality and stepping away from it, you’ll be able to start conserving your own energy and healing on your own terms, before permanent damage is accrued.
8. Recognize when you’re doing these things to help yourself, not others.
The need to feel needed is often an emotional defensive response. Rather than focusing on uncomfortable truths in your own life that require some measure of action, it’s far easier to devote all your energy and time to helping others instead.
But the longer that this state of affairs persists, the worse your own condition will become. It’s like ignoring all the basic household tasks in your own home and going over to a friend’s place to help them with theirs instead.
Alternatively, you may have become such a people-pleaser that you believe that your only value exists in helping others and making them happy. It doesn’t. What’s more, this can make you a target for narcissists and other users who’ll abuse your generosity and just keep taking from you until you have nothing left to give — either to others or yourself.
Final thoughts…
The definition of “selfishness” is to be concerned with one’s own welfare, pleasure, or advantage. While extremes are harmful, making it a priority to safeguard one’s own well-being isn’t something to be condemned.
Those who condemn you as “selfish” for wanting to do your own thing are the ones who seek to benefit from your time and energy. In simplest terms, if you’re using your energy for your own needs, you aren’t giving it to them, and they don’t like that. You aren’t a narcissist if you’re prioritizing yourself rather than giving all you have to others, all the time. You’re just a self-respecting human being.
