When others want or need things from you, do you leap into action like an eager puppy? Or do you check in with yourself first to see if you have enough energy to take those things on? Furthermore, do other people feel comfortable contacting you day and night with their questions or problems without you curbing that behavior?
Let’s take a look at some things you may be doing that indicate you’ve been making yourself far too available to others, and that it’s time to set some firm, healthy boundaries.
1. Agreeing to things to avoid conflict, rather than out of sincere interest.
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to things automatically so as to avoid upsetting or disappointing others, rather than sincerely wanting to do them? If so, you likely have some strong people-pleasing tendencies and are more comfortable with throwing yourself under the bus than setting healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can cause major issues for everyone involved, especially if you make a point of saying “yes” at first and then cancel or renege at the last minute.
I experienced this regularly with a former partner of mine, to my detriment. I’d ask him to take care of something important, and when he agreed to do so, I believed him. It took several years and some major relationship (and financial) issues for me to realize that he was simply nodding and smiling to end an uncomfortable, potentially conflict-riddled conversation as quickly as possible, and then promptly forgot whatever it was he’d agreed to.
2. Allowing others to interrupt you frequently.
Sometimes people interrupt unintentionally because they struggle with conversation cues or because they are enthusiastically trying to share with you. Other times, it’s because they don’t respect you enough to listen to what you have to say. And when you allow others to interrupt you, you’re essentially letting them know that you don’t feel that you deserve courtesy and respect, either.
This statement isn’t meant as “victim blaming” but is a reminder that people will treat you the way you teach them to, so if you allow them to regularly overstep and interrupt you, they’ll continue to do so.
If you aren’t speaking up about how much it frustrates and upsets you when people interrupt you, make it a priority to call them out on that behavior. Don’t mention it later, either: call them out as soon as they do so and ask them not to interrupt you again, even if your voice shakes and you’re worried that those around you may judge you for “making a scene”.
3. Letting your employer contact you to work after hours, at weekends, while you’re on vacation, etc.
Have you heard the expression “give them an inch, and they’ll take a mile”? Well, if you show your employer that you’re okay with them contacting you after work hours — such as on weekends, late at night, or when you’re off on vacation — they will take full advantage of this whenever possible.
Everyone is “allowed” to relax and recuperate from their job on a regular basis, and their rejuvenation time should be respected by their workplace. If your boss has been overstepping and intruding on your personal time, make it abundantly clear that it isn’t okay to do so. If necessary, keep a phone that’s solely for work, and turn it off after work hours. Don’t answer emails on weekends, and maintain a strict work-life balance for the sake of your own health and sanity.
4. Acquiescing to last-minute changes or requests.
Most of us have felt immense relief when we’ve been working on an intense project for a while, and we finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, many people seem to think it’s okay to make changes or special requests at the eleventh hour, even when signed contracts stipulate otherwise.
In the past, you might have acquiesced to these for the sake of being agreeable and easy to work with, even if you felt like you were dying inside. Moving forward, make it clear that they signed off on things previously, and if they want additional changes or requests, you’ll have to renegotiate the terms of the contract to allow for extra time spent and costs incurred. They’ll stop taking advantage of you when you make it clear that they aren’t allowed to do so.
5. Answering communiques as soon as you receive them.
You don’t exist on anyone else’s schedule. Unless the text or email contains information that could affect someone’s life or death, you don’t need to answer it immediately. This doesn’t necessarily apply to work-related matters, but in your social life? You get to decide when to respond to people (or not).
Those who have grown accustomed to you being perpetually available to them are going to give you a hard time when you start setting boundaries. You’ll need to stay strong and refuse to be guilt-tripped or manipulated by those who see you as a tool that serves their needs, rather than a person who deserves respect and courtesy.
6. De-prioritizing your alone time or personal pursuits in favor of giving others attention.
Most of us have experienced situations in which we’ve finally been able to sit down, put our feet up, and settle in with a book or a TV show we’ve been looking forward to… only to immediately be interrupted by someone seeking our attention.
It’s one thing if you’re a parent to a very young child who can’t help but rely on you for their needs, and something completely different if others simply feel entitled to your attention on demand. Practice saying “no” to other people’s wants of you, and prioritize your vital recharge time instead. Things that bring you joy shouldn’t be last in line behind everyone else’s wants. Life is far too short for that.
7. Managing others’ lives for them.
Once again, unless you’re quite literally parenting a small child, you don’t need to manage every aspect of other people’s lives for them. Many partners, housemates, and colleagues weaponize incompetence so that others will take the reins and simply tell them what to do, but that will lead to your eventual burnout.
Make it abundantly clear that others need to handle their own responsibilities, and stop relying on you for everything. How would they fare if you suddenly weren’t around anymore? Give them the chance to try — and fail — and learn even more from those failures. People don’t become self-sufficient adults if others parent them forever.
8. Never expressing disappointment or anger when you’re taken advantage of.
Maybe you’ve spent a busy work week looking forward to unwinding with pizza and a movie on Saturday night, only for your partner to inform you that they’ve agreed to dinner plans at your in-laws’ place instead. Or your adult child only talks to you when their car payment is late and they need to borrow money.
If you don’t make it clear that behaviors like this aren’t okay, they’ll keep happening. It’s understandable that you’d like things to stay harmonious, but perpetually throwing yourself under the bus for other people’s benefit will only result in them taking advantage of you forever.
Final thoughts…
If you’ve been a people-pleaser all your life, it can be very difficult to learn how to start setting boundaries. Even worse is if you’ve tried to set boundaries in the past, only to have people intentionally overstep them to show you that you aren’t strong enough to stop them from doing what they want with your life.
It’s a scary thing to accept, but only you can set and enforce boundaries in your world, including very real consequences if they’re disrespected.
You may not believe it right now, but you can do this. Have faith in yourself.
