People who experience genuine happiness after decades of misery invariably feel that way due to a major change in life circumstances. That said, it isn’t those circumstances alone that make their existence far more blissful: they also make important life changes, including shifting mental perspectives and changing personal habits.
Basically, there are many contributing factors that together result in their newfound contentment. The changes listed below are the main ones that can bring genuine happiness after long-term sorrow and disappointment.
1. They do what needs to be done.
Countless people spend far too many years in unhappy situations, waiting for circumstances to change so they can finally find peace in their lives. This passive behavior relies entirely on external factors changing, rather like a person who stands outside, soaked to the skin, hoping and praying that the rain will stop, rather than getting up and moving indoors where it’s warm and dry.
People who become genuinely happy after years of misery are usually those who switch from a passive role to an active one, and who are willing and able to do what needs to be done to change those circumstances.
Maybe they enroll in courses so they can switch careers, or file for divorce from a spouse who’s been draining the light from their eyes for decades. Either way, they make that decision and take action, even though it’s difficult to do so.
2. They focus on blessings rather than disappointments.
None of us has ever gotten everything we’ve wanted in life. Some people choose to interpret this as proof that nothing good ever happens to them, and they spend their existence lamenting all the things they feel they “should have” received. In their minds, everything would have been better (even perfect) for them if only they’d gotten that job, that partner, and so on.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that not getting what I thought I wanted was often the greatest blessing I could have been given.
This doesn’t mean that I haven’t been heartbroken over failed relationships or devastated at lost opportunities. That’s just normal. What has happened, however, is the gift of perspective and recognizing that things wouldn’t have played out as perfectly as I had imagined.
Having been through some really horrible and unhappy experiences, I choose to focus on the many blessings I have been granted and the lessons I’ve learned along the way, instead of lamenting what could have been, but wasn’t.
3. They let go of things that bring them strife.
One of the hardest things a person can do is to let go of and walk away from something (or someone) they dearly love, but that they know is damaging them. For example, a person may love an individual more than air, but after years of being used and depleted by this individual (even if those actions weren’t intentional), they know that they have to walk away for the sake of self-preservation.
Personal peace is about letting situations and people go, rather than accruing anything. You can’t buy peace: you can only release what is impeding it. Anything that brings conflict into your personal life needs to have strict boundaries so you aren’t damaged by its presence.
And if those boundaries aren’t viable, then calm, objective action needs to be taken. Even when it hurts to do so. The absence of this hardship brings far more genuine joy and fulfillment than the previous chaotic connection ever could.
4. They focus on short-term problem-solving.
Rather than worrying and stressing about all the things that they need to accomplish, people who find happiness instead put all their energy into resolving what can be done that day, and that day alone. It’s essentially focusing on the single step ahead instead of gazing out onto a seemingly endless road and feeling despondent about how far they have left to go.
People who have been unhappy for long periods of time have generally felt worn down and defeated by what seemed like a mountain obscuring their path. The thing is, instead of gazing at that mountain and insisting they could never traverse it, they took a small step and cleared a few pebbles out of their way that day. And then they did the same thing the next day. And the day after that. Before they knew it, they were at the summit, and the path ahead was clear and unimpeded.
5. They let go of the illusions they were clinging to.
Refusal to accept reality can cause people far more grief than they’re willing to admit. They’re so insistent upon holding onto their fantasies that they cling to their illusions and only acknowledge things around them selectively, no matter how often others try to get through to them.
Facing reality means that they need to accept that they’re in Hades rather than Elysium, and then seek a way out of it. It’s painful to leave an unrequited, impossible daydream in the past and acknowledge that it’s never going to become our reality, but those who do so are the ones who can actually make headway towards real fulfillment instead of self-delusion. It may be comfortable and familiar back there, but when you finally accept that it’s all smoke and mirrors, you’ll experience much greater peace and happiness as a result.
6. They re-prioritize their time.
All work and no play makes people really bloody miserable over time. If a person has spent decades focusing entirely on duty and obligation, with joy relegated to some far-off time when there will be no responsibilities on their plate, then they’ve likely spent all those years being horribly unhappy.
Human beings need creativity and play: it’s hard-wired into our very existence. Those who have become genuinely happy after decades of unhappiness have made things that bring them joy and fulfillment a priority.
They schedule regular time to paint hideous pottery or compose sea shanties on the ukulele — or whatever brings them happiness. They’ll still do their duties, of course, but not at the expense of their personal fulfillment.
7. They behave in a way that promotes self-respect.
One major contributing factor to people’s long-term unhappiness is having to sacrifice authenticity and self-respect in order to keep the peace around them. This might have caused them an incredible amount of grief over the years, but they likely couldn’t change their behavior due to their circumstance.
But when circumstances change, we have the choice as to whether to continue said behaviors or change them to better align with the person we’ve always wanted to be. Those who choose authenticity and self-respect can’t help but stand taller and prouder, and be happier with the person they see in the mirror on a daily basis.
After years of self-delusion and pretending, they’re finally free to be themselves, on their own terms, and live in a way that brings them pride and fulfillment.
8. They change their mindset and attitude.
Another important thing that people who become genuinely happy after decades of unhappiness do is to shift from a defeatist attitude or feelings of lack to one of growth and empowerment. Essentially, they change their perception and turn from feelings of despair and powerlessness to recognition that they can do things, even if they’re small. Because small is not the same as insignificant.
Bees are perfect examples of creatures that can do great things even though they’re tiny compared to us. A bee can’t change a car motor, but it can tell its hive mates where the best flowers are, and contribute to the creation of sacred, life-giving honey.
Human capability is no different. Human Embracing what we can do within our own limitations is often the antidote to despair.
9. They do what they love regardless of what others think.
Something I’ve come across many times over the years has been people who have held back from doing the things they loved because of what others have thought of them.
For some, it started in childhood when they wanted to do a particular craft or get a toy, and their parents mocked them because they were being “babyish”. This only got worse as they got older, and they curated all of their actions in order to avoid mockery or contempt from those around them.
A person who gets to the point where they’re going to love what they love, no matter what others say, is immune to both real and imagined criticism. And they’re much happier for it. They don’t care what others think anymore, and they’ll assemble LEGO or collect stuffed plushy skunks to their heart’s content. If it brings them genuine joy, that’s all that matters at this point.
Final thoughts…
As with so many other things, real change involves shifts across numerous planes rather than one single approach. Changed circumstances can absolutely contribute to someone’s newfound joy, but that isn’t the be-all and end-all of it.
A person who thinks and behaves the same way in a new place that they did in the old one isn’t going to experience lasting change. We need to celebrate the new circumstances while also shifting perspectives and embracing healthier practices in order to experience genuine, long-lasting happiness.
