Four years ago, I went in search of a pen pal, and I found one. She lives in America, I’m in the UK, and what started as a letter exchange (yes – actual snail mail!) has ended up being the best friendship I’ve ever had.
Is it conventional? No. But I don’t think that matters in this day and age. We talk every day, and what struck me most about how this friendship built is how easy it was to just witness it blossom and unfold.
I feel lucky, because I know not everyone can say they have that connection with someone. It’s the kind of connection that brings you back to who you really are.
When psychologists talk about friendship, they often draw on the work of Aristotle, who famously declared that a true friend is a “second self.” That is, someone who mirrors your soul and brings you back to your truest, best self.
If you’ve got someone like this in your life, you’ll recognize them in these 8 signs. And if you haven’t already, I hope you someday do.
1. You won’t have to try to be liked, or like them back.
Have you ever just met and made a friend by being entirely yourself, no marketing required? Maybe you were deep in your own zone, and somehow, they crossed your path and met you exactly as you are.
I think the best friendships occur when you don’t have to try to be liked, and you don’t feel you need to force a false persona, and vice versa.
I find that more and more people are celebrating their individual quirky traits, and caring less about trying to conform.
And why not? Trying hard to be liked doesn’t really enhance friendships, not in the long run. It’s like wearing a mask because you want to be liked, but all masks eventually fall off.
You might as well be you with all those weird and wonderful frills attached, especially if you want to make the rare kind of friendship that brings you back to your truest self.
2. Sometimes they say things you don’t want to hear, but that you need to hear.
Real friends know you, but that also means they know you. They know what your favorite snack is, but they also know when you’re walking into a mist of mistakes, and they won’t hesitate to let you know about it.
There is kindness in being honest, especially when it serves to protect you, and in a world full of yes-men (and women), friends like this are rare.
This friend won’t let you walk straight into a huge ankle-breaking pothole, even if you are enjoying the walk. They’ll yank you to the nettles at the side of the path if it means you avoid the bigger harm.
In recent years, I’ve been saved by the nettles a fair few times, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
3. They remember the little things.
Something sad happened to me several years ago, and I have a friend who always sends me a heart emoji on that day every single year.
We talk aside from that, but on that day, all that’s needed is her little reminder that she’s thinking of me. It means so much.
It’s so rare to have someone in your life who respects the delicacy of grief, while maintaining the desire to be there and show up for you. That heart emoji reminds me who I am, and everything I’ve been through. Equally, it lets me know that I’m not alone, and that she’s there if I need her.
When it comes to the most valuable friendships (and life in general), little things matter more than grand gestures, because they are the things that life is made of. They bridge together the lives and values of two people.
And yes, not everyone is blessed with an amazing memory, but actually that’s what makes this act even more powerful.
When someone has a lot on their plate or struggles with executive function, yet goes out of their way to remember, using prompts, alarms, or sticky notes to help them, you know they really care.
If you have someone who remembers your little things, you’ve got a true friend.
4. Distance will not be a factor.
7921.6km. That is the official distance between my pen pal and me. But you know, when we are both lounging on our couches, talking on the phone about how much we wish it was autumn (or fall as she knows it to be), we may as well be in the same room.
I’ve had friends who’ve lived two minutes from me who bother and care less, and who don’t want to offer time for connection, laughter, or just presence.
Yes, distance can add some barriers, but it should not be a deciding factor in how much of a friend a friend is. The right ones will make you feel like home, even if they’re on a different continent.
I value that so much, and I know she does, too. That alignment is a solid foundation, especially when we’re dreaming of pumpkin beverages and gingerbread scented candles!
5. They encourage your growth and success without envy or sabotage.
I will reword the infamous Kool and the Gang’s ‘Celebration’ song like this:
“Celebrate good friends, come on!”
That’s what a real friend does, at least. They pay attention to when you’re doing well, and they’re behind you, giving that rapturous applause! That’s because they love you, and they know whatever you’re achieving, you’re doing it because it means something to you and adds a spark and purpose to your life.
If you’re growing, they’re gleaming right alongside you, and there’s not a green-eyed monster in the room with them.
I’m always wary about people who claim to care, yet never clap when you win. I know a few of those myself, and funnily enough, they expect celebration from me when they do something good.
The most valuable friends want you to be the best version of yourself, always centered in a way that aligns with your own goals and character. Those friends will want to be a part of that, and will be cheering you on with positive energy all the way.
6. They inspire you to believe in what seems unattainable.
Could I really finish my degree during the COVID lockdown, while working as a keyworker and homeschooling my then 6-year-old?
I didn’t think I had it in me, but I have one of the most supportive friends who looked at me with her furrowed brow and said, “You are the kind of person who can literally do anything they put their mind to.”
Am I? Apparently so! So I gave it my best shot, and I got my degree. I thought it was too late for me, and that the pressures of the pandemic would affect my chances of gaining the precious certificate I’d worked so hard for.
It’s amazing what having the right people around can do for you. To feel inspired by a rare and valued friend is to remember who you are and what you can achieve. When you have someone like that in your life, your goals don’t have to stay dreams in your head; they can become a reality.
7. You sign off from time with them feeling like you’ve totally recharged.
Most people will have heard of energy vampires by now. They’re often described as someone who sucks the energy from you in a social interaction.
I’d say that was pretty accurate, wouldn’t you? I’ve known a few in my time, and sadly, I still do, but I see them as little as possible to preserve my energy for myself and the people who matter to me.
Our energy, our essence, is divine. It makes us who we are. Someone who strips us of that energy, whether consciously or not, is no friend.
However, if you feel more energized being around a certain person in your life, that can only be a beautiful thing. In a friendship that brings you back to yourself, your energies are in sync, nurturing each other. Beautiful!
8. They’re there for all seasons.
I’ve been completely down and out on my luck before, seemingly in a winter kind of season, where opportunity seemed to be hibernating, and life was quieter and darker than I’d hoped.
Where were my closest friends? I’m lucky enough to have two, and it doesn’t matter if I’m thriving or just scraping by; they are still present, and they remind me with their commitment (and thousands of relevant reels sent daily) to keep going, to keep aiming for the next step.
We know each other so well that the pity parties we hold when things aren’t going our way are short-lived.
We all go through seasons, but who we are at our deepest core never changes. A friend who champions and supports you no matter your circumstances or season is someone who keeps you tethered to the real you.
Final thoughts…
Friends like this are rare, but they are so valuable when you find them.
These friends could see me at my absolute worst, and they would kick back with me and share a pizza and the problem (yes, I do sometimes share pizza…).
If you have someone whose focus on your friendship is to bring you back to your truest self, then don’t let them go. It’s the kind of friendship that we all deserve, and if you don’t have it yet, I really hope you find it soon.
