Just yesterday, I saw a post online in which a woman was expressing the despair she felt at feeling “autumn in her bones.” She talked about the many realizations that midlife was granting her, and the intense sadness that came along with them.
We’ve been encouraged to focus on positivity, to try to remain youthful and vital, and fight the aging process at all costs, without acknowledging or discussing the heartache that this age carries with it. As such, we’re often unprepared for the types of grief we have to navigate in midlife.
And whilst seeing the positives is absolutely beneficial, it doesn’t pay to ignore or dismiss reality, and that includes the struggles that come with it. As such, here are 8 types of midlife grief that you may not have been ready for, but which are perfectly ok to acknowledge.
1. Being a stranger to yourself.
Have you had the experience in which you’ve looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize the person you saw there? It’s very odd, and it can be quite depressing.
Seemingly from one day to the next, you become a version of yourself that’s unfamiliar — an older person who bears little resemblance to what you feel like inside.
Between metabolic slowdown, hormonal fluctuations, and loss of collagen, your body and face may be unrecognizable to how they were just a couple of years ago.
Similarly, you may find that you now have the habits that you saw in your elders when you were in the bloom of youth. You might groan when you bend down, for example, or fall asleep in your chair after dinner.
Recognizing that you’re emulating your parents’ or grandparents’ behaviors can make it abundantly clear that you’re not a fresh young thing anymore, and while it’s perfectly normal, it can be terribly difficult to process.
2. The despair that comes with lessened capability.
When we were younger, most of us could pull all-nighters before school or work, remain fairly focused and capable during the day, meet friends afterwards, and still have enough energy for a quick workout before bed.
We could focus fairly easily, lift things without hurting ourselves, and tackle 30 obligations before noon without breaking a sweat.
But once midlife hits, capability diminishes significantly.
We injure ourselves by sneezing or sleeping the wrong way, and forget words we’ve been using daily for decades. Most days, we might only have enough energy for a few tasks before needing a rest, or we forget how to do the same things we’ve been doing for years.
This can be a devastating thing to experience, and because it’s a natural part of again it doesn’t often have a cure or solution, other than accepting our decline with as much grace and dignity as possible.
3. Awareness that there isn’t enough time left to do things you’ve always wanted.
Many people who are currently in midlife are processing the grief that they’ll never achieve the things that they’ve always dreamed of.
For example, for some people the grief comes in the form of knowing that they’ll never be able to own their own homes because the cost of living and real estate have risen so much.
Others have to come to terms with the fact that they’ll never have children or grandkids, can’t pursue a particular career they would have preferred because they’re no longer physically capable of doing so, or travel because the places they want to visit are now too challenging for them to navigate.
Whatever it is, it can be incredibly heartbreaking to let go of a dream you’ve held onto for so long.
4. Becoming invisible or unwanted to potential partners.
When I was in my early 30s, I worked with a woman in her late 40s who was one of the most amazing people I had ever met, and we soon became close friends.
She was brilliant, incredibly well-read, had an incredible sense of humor, and looked like a cross between Monica Bellucci and Andie McDowell. Just gorgeous. She had lost her husband to cancer a couple of years previously, but had a few kids and a grandchild on the way who kept her spirits up.
One day she came into work looking incredibly sad. When I asked why, she told me that the guy she had been dating — who seemed to be really great — had told her that she was too old for him to be attracted to, and broke it off.
He was in his late 50s, so a decade older than she was, but had determined that anyone over 35 just couldn’t do it for him.
Unfortunately, countless people have experienced similar things. We don’t magically lose physical desire or the need to be loved once we hit midlife, yet sadly many people around us seem to believe that we’re no longer deserving of either.
5. Becoming seemingly irrelevant.
How often have you seen the phrase “OK Boomer” used online to dismiss something an older person has shared?
It’s often used by younger Millennials, Gen Z, and beyond when they feel that something is either irrelevant or otherwise non-useful to them.
It’s heartbreaking to go through countless harrowing things over the course of several decades, accruing a ton of invaluable experience, only to have that experience and knowledge summarily dismissed with a smirk.
Furthermore, those who have been alive for all of five minutes often treat you as though you’re incompetent and have nothing of value to share in comparison to their apparently enormous range of abilities.
6. The way life’s pleasures begin to feel different.
When you hit midlife, pleasurable things that have been mainstays for decades of your life suddenly start to feel different, or stop completely.
For example, many perimenopausal women can experience significant changes in their libido, and men may struggle with intimate performance and all the insecurities associated with that.
We experience vision and hearing loss, and our senses of taste and smell deteriorate as well.
Additionally, many people develop food sensitivities and digestive issues, which can make them unable to eat meals that have been their favorites for decades.
No longer being able to enjoy things we’ve always loved, from hobbies and crafts to snacks and beverages, strips small amounts of joy out of our lives bit by bit.
7. The realization of how little of an impact you’ve made.
Some friends and I were discussing this recently. Back in the 80s, our teachers really drummed into us the importance of environmental conservation.
We got little rewards for having litter-less lunches, went on field trips to clean garbage from shorelines and forest glades, planted wildflowers to help the bees, and did fundraisers to save the whales, the pandas, and so on.
From that day forward, many of us were as eco-conscious as possible. We recycled, composted diligently, and tried to live as ethically and gently on this planet as possible by adhering to the adage of “live simply so others can simply live.”
Now we’re watching ecological disasters unfold around the world due to human-caused climate change acceleration, and we feel devastated by the fact that our efforts were for nothing.
Billionaires and huge corporations have always been free to do whatever they wanted and have caused irreparable damage — very little of which will be mitigated by any of our paltry contributions.
It’s devastating to have worked and fought so hard for the greater good, only to realize how little good came of all the time and effort spent.
8. Losing those you care about.
The vast majority of us will lose someone close to us before middle age. Many of us lost our grandparents (or even great-grandparents) when we were young, for example, or had to deal with the loss of beloved family pets.
Only a scant few will make it to their 40s and beyond without having attended anyone’s funeral.
Once midlife rolls around, however, loss becomes an inevitability. We lose parents, friends, relatives, partners, even children to everything from old age to illness or injury.
We outlive our animal companions, mourn the loss of cherished community members, and feel saddened when musicians or actors we grew up with die.
The waves of grief ebb for a while until someone else passes, and then the pain begins anew. It never ends.
Final thoughts…
People in midlife often feel forbidden from expressing their grief by those around them.
Younger people don’t want to hear about the sadness that they’ll inevitably have to face as they age, while older individuals dismiss it and tell those in midlife that they should be grateful they aren’t dealing with the ravages of old age yet.
If you feel alone in your sorrow, or feel that you aren’t “allowed” to discuss how you feel with those around you, please reach out to a supportive group or trusted therapist. You can’t process your feelings and work through them if you suppress them.
Your grief is valid, and you deserve to be heard.
