If you follow the social media accounts of people over the age of 40, you’ve likely noticed how many of them are suddenly back in the dating pool. Many of them are seeking out new partnerships after divorce or widowhood, and are realizing just how harrowing it is to date as an older person compared to what it was like in their youth.
There are countless horror stories being shared, with the end results often being that these folks are over it and choosing singlehood instead, mostly due to issues such as the following:
1. Some people are only looking for “a nurse, or a purse.”
A woman I chat with regularly online told me about a coffee date she had recently with a man who seemed rather lovely to begin with. They discussed books they both adored, traded music recommendations, laughed a great deal, and generally had a wonderful date together.
When she said that she’d had a lovely time and suggested they do it again sometime, this gentleman informed her that while he had enjoyed their time together, she was too old for him to consider dating.
She is 51, and he’s 70. Her story isn’t unusual, either: many older men seem to prefer dating women under 40, whom others refer to as a “nurse or a purse”. They aren’t just attracted to younger women sexually (and assuming that attraction is mutual) — they’re looking for a caregiver who can also support them financially if need be.
2. It’s often a case of companionship to avoid loneliness rather than compatibility (or commitment).
Many older people seek out companionship to fill a gap of loneliness in their lives. Some spent decades with a now-departed spouse and don’t know how to (or don’t want to) live alone, while others spent years caring for children and/or parents and now need a new purpose project to keep them occupied.
Dating to fill a perceived gap like this isn’t the same as seeking long-term, committed companionship with a partner they want to share the rest of their life with. Some older people who approach dating in the former way don’t even seem to care much whether they have anything in common with the one they’re wooing: as long as they’re okay to look at and are fairly financially stable, that’s fine.
3. There are double standards about aging: older men may be stereotyped, and older women often become invisible.
Stereotypes about aging aren’t fun for anyone to contend with, but they’re particularly vicious when it comes to dating. Many older people feel intense frustration when it comes to romantic connections because of potential dates’ assumptions or subconscious prejudices.
For example, older men who are still strong and vital may be assumed to be doddering, impotent curmudgeons who ended up divorced because they mistreated their wives. In turn, older women are often invisible or viewed as “worn out and run through” and are passed over in favor of those decades younger than they are.
4. There may be expectations about caring for children, grandchildren, or aging parents.
It’s a sad reality that a lot of older people look for companions because they need (or want) help caring for their relatives in some fashion. This appears to be especially common with widowed or divorced older men who want a woman in their life to take over the responsibilities that their late/former wife used to take care of.
In cases like these, dates feel more like interviews for the labor that someone else wants to pile on their shoulders. Can they afford to contribute to university fees or elder care facility costs? Will they be around to babysit grandchildren or cook holiday dinners for extended family gatherings? It’s enough to put many women off dating altogether.
5. Some people have far too much baggage for others to contend with.
Sometimes, a potential partner has been widowed for a while, or divorced for good reason, and has learned some valuable life lessons along the way. As such, they’re determined to be the best version of themselves possible when they get into a new relationship.
Others are… not so introspective. In fact, they’re laden down with bitterness, anger, and spite, which they spew forth with great vitriol on dates with prospective partners. On dates, they do nothing but complain about their ex, their kids, and their traumas. Worse still, they fixate on not only getting revenge but also ensuring that their next partner pays for what others have done to them.
After going on several dates with people like this, the realization hits that it’s much safer and wiser to remain single.
6. Some people have unreasonably high demands vs. what they bring to the table.
Some older people’s dating profiles are more like order forms than descriptions of themselves. Rather than telling a story about who they are, what they love, and what they’re hoping for, they share a shopping list of traits they’re demanding in a partner. Unfortunately, the traits they’re seeking are almost always the polar opposite of what they’re offering.
For example, a person who insists that they’re looking for a fit, attractive, smart, and stylish partner will almost always look like a potato. Alternatively, someone who says flat out that they’re looking for “prince/princess” treatment from someone who will spoil them and help them attain their dreams has likely declared bankruptcy several times over and wouldn’t buy their lover a coffee unless they had a 2-for-1 coupon for it.
7. You’re going to come across people who are looking for a parent, not a partner.
It’s a sad reality that some people never grow up. This is particularly true if they moved from their parents’ house to their partner’s place without ever living on their own, and have been perpetually taken care of by someone else. Instead of seeing what needed to be done, they had someone make to-do lists for them, gather their dirty laundry, etc. People like this are essentially looking for someone to parent them, not for an equal partnership.
But a person who has already been married and/or raised children to adulthood, or who has been single most of their life and is used to being independent, likely has little to no interest in parenting someone else for the rest of their life — especially another mature adult who should be perfectly capable of taking care of basic things themselves. Most older people want equals to share their lives with, not dependents for whom they’re obligated to handle everything because they don’t know how to (or weaponize incompetence to avoid).
8. You’ll likely encounter physical attraction double standards.
Some older people seem to feel that not only are they much better looking than they are in reality, but that they deserve dates who meet their personal (often unrealistic) standards. This isn’t a male vs. female thing either: those of either gender may think that they’re amazing catches that others are clamoring for, and are only looking for those of equal or higher attractiveness.
Alternatively, someone may be well aware that they aren’t as foxy as they were in their 20s, but insist that they deserve a younger, sexually attractive, and vivacious partner because they have money, property, or status. Basically, they’re seeking to buy a younger partner’s affections, and can’t conceive of dating for love, within their own age bracket.
9. Peace is often more appealing than love.
The single life, especially as a mature adult, is a peaceful one. There are no demands, no interruptions, and no expectation to carry and regulate someone else’s emotions for them. Instead of laboring for two people (or more), the only tasks that need to be done are for oneself, and there are no unexpected surprises like hidden debt or infidelity, or disappointments like empty stockings on Christmas morning to contend with.
For many people, the immense peace they have in their solitude is too valuable to part with. They’ve dipped their toes in the dating pool, found it brackish, polluted, and wholly unappealing, and have chosen the peace of singlehood instead. They’ll socialize with friends, family, and community when they feel the need to do so, but they’re not prepared to compromise their authenticity, nor their solace.
Final thoughts…
Although a lot of older people have become completely disillusioned with the prospect of dating, many others find true love in middle age and beyond. In fact, some people have found their soulmates in their 70s or 80s.
Dating as an older person isn’t easy, and can come with a lot of disappointment and frustration, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a lost cause. Sometimes, taking time to focus on oneself instead of actively seeking a partner leaves the door open for the right connection to be made when the stars align.
