It’s a hard balance, isn’t it? You want to show up for the people you love as this kind, giving person, and yet sometimes that kindness doesn’t give you ideal outcomes.
People end up using you, and your good nature might allow it. Soon enough, this cycle of showing up without appreciation for your presence and effort becomes a pattern you get caught up in, and you wish you could find a way to be a little tougher.
You can be nice but firm. Yes, it really is possible.
Helping people is what gives many of us purpose, so I want to talk about how to honor that while knowing when to step back and refuse to be taken advantage of. Here’s how you get started:
1. Recognize the difference between someone who needs you and someone who wants to take advantage.
I hope I’m wrong in assuming that we all know someone who has tried to take advantage of our good nature, but unfortunately, I’ve a feeling I’m likely right.
It’s most problematic when you don’t realize it’s happening, though. You give and give to help someone, and all they do is see you as someone they can push and ask for more.
As such, you need to be able to spot the signs.
How you do that is through recognizing things such as:
- Your own energy levels around them. Do they leave you feeling depleted?
- Do they assume you’ll say yes without actually asking you first?
- Is their behavior problematic when you can’t, for whatever reason, help them?
- Is your kindness only noted or appreciated when they need something?
- Do they rarely ever help you when you need it?
If you’re answering “yes” to any or many of those questions, it should awaken you a little to the fact that you’re being used.
Genuine people will still need you, but they’ll never cross the line that means care and attention are only flowing in one direction.
When that’s happening, you need to be a little tough. And yes, sometimes being tough means being tough with yourself, and saying, “I don’t think this person means me well. It’s time to take a step back.”
2. Constantly assess your boundaries and decide if you’re aligning with them.
I love that people are becoming more and more aware of boundaries and what it means to implement and stick to them.
But still, it’s one thing to have them, and it’s quite another to check in regularly with them to decide if you still align with them. I don’t know if I do that as often as I should, but in order to not be used, this is one I want to actively work on.
For example, I don’t want anyone and everyone reaching out to me at 2 am, but I still want to be reachable for those closest to me if they’re going through a crisis.
As such, I have my mobile phone, which stays silent, but I also have an old brick mobile which literally 3 people know the number to. It’s always loud, and if there’s an emergency, they know they can call me.
It’s a simple boundary, but it means I can be nice without being available to anybody who fancies a call or a conversation when I am asleep.
But I need to regularly assess this boundary to check it still aligns with my needs. For example, adding people to the list of those who need my emergency number (or removing people, if necessary).
Regularly checking in with my boundaries ensures they remain relevant and useful, and that the right people are getting access to my help when they need it.
3. Learn that it’s okay to say no.
You’ve probably heard it a million times by now. It’s pretty common knowledge, yet we still don’t grasp it like we should.
The word no is often mistaken for being rude, but I want to talk to you about that because it’s probably the biggest reason why people have a hard time saying it.
They don’t want to be rude, and that’s fair, but riddle me this: Is it fair for people to use you because they know you’ll never say no?
Of course it’s not.
“No” might be tough for some people to hear, especially if you’re giving too much of yourself to people who don’t see how exhausted you’re getting. And especially if they’re used to your “yes.”
You may worry that they’ll think you’re not a good person. But someone who expects you to harm yourself for them is not really someone whose opinion deserves much weight.
You are not selfish if you say no, and I always say the right people will understand if you have to, or even want, to say it.
4. Remember that you are capable, but that you also have limits.
“You’ll run yourself ragged!” says the voice of concern that should crop up when you’re doing too much, and giving too much.
Only it doesn’t, not all the time anyway.
When people are lining up waiting for their turn for you to help them, something’s gone wrong somewhere. You’ve got to give yourself a break, but I know how tough that is when all you want to do is be there for people in their hour of need.
At times though, they don’t actually need you; they want you. They expect you. They feel entitled to your energy simply because they know they can get it.
What happens if you just don’t stop, and one day you realize you’re at the point of total burnout? Then you won’t even be able to help the people who do need your help, let alone those who just want it.
I know, and you know, that you’re probably capable of helping even those who don’t really need the help or who don’t appreciate you, but do you want to run yourself into the ground doing so?
Being tough about it means being selective with who gets that help and who gets a pass on it.
5. Reflect on where you may have been unable to set limits in the past.
One-sided friendship dynamic? Unbalanced romantic relationship? Uneven work distribution?
We’ve all been there.
You might not be in that situation anymore, but do you think your experience could help you as you move forward?
Being used is no fun, and I can attest to that. When I think back, I remember just wanting a friendship; that was my aim. I wanted to hold onto something I thought was special. So sure, I let myself be the one who was used and dropped when it suited this particular person.
Now I know that the right people want me around regardless of what I can offer, and they love me and care for me deeply. I spot those who only want to use me early on, because they tend to crop up like damp returning in a house.
It can be a challenge to the ego to reflect, but you’re essentially looking back on a version of you that may not have known what you know now. I don’t see the shame in that. It’s how we grow and learn, right?
6. Offer help to loved ones without taking on the entire responsibility for their lives.
If helping those in your life was akin to baking a cake, would you bake one for every single person you knew, or would you offer them each a slice to help them?
When you think of it like that, it makes perfect sense to step in and be there without feeling the heavy weight of responsibility for everything they’ve got going on.
You aren’t responsible for whether or not they enjoy their jobs, but sure, you can advise them to look for other work if that’s what they want to do.
You aren’t responsible for packing up your friend’s entire house on the day they move, but you can show up and designate yourself a room, or help pack up the fragile boxes (absolutely do not ever ask me to do that. You’ll end up with a thousand broken pieces).
Distinguish – and always remember – your life is yours, and theirs is theirs.
You’ve got to be tough sometimes and draw a line, stepping back from what your loved ones should be responsible for.
7. Speak kindly, present firmly, and offer diplomacy when you need to.
What you say, and how you say it needs to come together. It’s widely known that communication is made up not only of the words we speak, but also body language and tone of voice.
Now, whilst we don’t subscribe to the view that there is only one way of communicating, and depending on your neurotype you may place more emphasis on words than body language, for a lot of people, how you say something does have a big impact.
For example, I grew up with two very different people. One who grew quieter the angrier she was, and one who loved the sound of his own voice and would monologue his anger at a decibel Concorde would be envious of.
One approach was too quiet to be clear; the other was clear but toxic.
If you can get it just right, you can be firm but polite, and it will keep the people who are only sniffing around to use you from doing so.
I think most of us would prefer to be peaceful if we can help it, and you can let someone down firmly, but with grace and tact.
Final thoughts…
I love the thought of being around for who I can when I can, but I do keep track of how that help is received, and what happens afterward.
It’s wise for anyone else to do the same, and to do so with a smile and a kind, but firm tone.
We don’t want to cut ourselves off from healthy giving when it comes to our loved ones, and I’d like to think that people could call me if they need me.
That said, there are some people I’d reject the call of, with no offence or hate attached…
…just a healthy boundary instead.
