Body language captivates us because “experts” have long since claimed it can promise us a window into other people’s true thoughts and feelings. Television shows, websites, pop psychology books, and workplace seminars have convinced many that mastering these signals grants near-telepathic powers. The truth, however, is far more nuanced and complex.
How people communicate involves countless variables such as cultural background, individual differences, context, and circumstance. These make universal interpretations of non-verbal behavior deeply problematic, as you’re about to find out. Here are 8 widely held beliefs we need to start challenging.
1. Avoiding eye contact means someone is lying or rude.
The eye contact myth is one of the worst perpetuated out there, and I’m sorry to say that we have even been guilty of contributing to it in the past.
The truth is that direct eye contact varies tremendously across cultures, neurotypes, and individuals.
Embrace Autism tells us that for autistic individuals, maintaining eye contact can be physically uncomfortable or overwhelming due to sensory processing differences, not because they’re being dishonest or disinterested. Their gaze patterns reflect their neurology, and nothing more. Countless autistic people have been harmed by this myth because society teaches them they have to mask their natural way of being or risk being an outcast.
Social anxiety might also cause someone to look away during a conversation while being completely truthful. What’s more, some people simply process information better when not focusing on faces. I know I do.
Then there are cultural differences. In many East Asian societies, avoiding eye contact with authority figures actually demonstrates respect rather than deception.
So next time you notice someone looking away during a conversation, consider these alternative explanations before jumping to conclusions about their ill intent.
2. Leaning back or positioning away from someone means disinterest or disengagement.
Psychologists and body language experts would have you believe that to be engaged and interested, you need to be facing someone. After all, if you’re not face to face, how can you give that supposedly all-important eye contact?
Here’s a shocking revelation. It’s perfectly possible to talk to someone (and listen to them) whilst standing side by side. It’s what we do when we’re walking and talking after all. This is actually my preferred way of conversing. I feel more relaxed, I don’t need to worry about eye contact, and as a result, I’m actually much more engaged.
This is a common experience for neurodivergent individuals, for some introverts, and for people with social anxiety. They may frequently position themselves in a way that manages their sensory input better.
Physical comfort drives many body positions during conversations, too. Someone might lean back simply because they’ve been sitting forward too long and their back hurts.
What feels uncomfortably close to one person represents normal conversational distance to another. We need to stop shaming people into doing what doesn’t feel natural or comfortable to them. If they are otherwise engaging with you, why does it really matter where or how they sit or stand?
3. A genuine smile always reaches the eyes.
Popular culture has embraced the idea of “smile authenticity” based on whether the eyes crinkle, also known as a Duchenne smile.
But many factors affect facial expressions beyond emotional authenticity, such as facial muscle control. Some people naturally engage their eye muscles less when smiling, regardless of how genuinely happy they feel.
Certain cultures promote emotional restraint, resulting in more controlled facial expressions even during genuine positive emotions. And neurodivergent individuals may express joy differently than neurotypical people, with their authentic happiness manifesting through unique, but equally valid, facial patterns.
4. Touching your face during conversation indicates dishonesty.
Face-touching happens constantly in normal conversation. Most of us unconsciously touch our faces dozens of times hourly, regardless of what we’re discussing or whether we’re alone or with others. Personally, I’m a definite face toucher, but this is largely a habitual response.
It’s also a stress response for me and many others. But stress doesn’t equal dishonesty. Someone might feel anxious discussing a perfectly truthful but emotionally charged topic, or they might simply find run-of-the-mill social situations anxiety-inducing.
Many face touches serve practical purposes too—scratching an itch, adjusting glasses, or moving hair from the eyes. Others, like my face touching, represent deeply ingrained habits formed over decades.
Some people use tactile stimulation to help maintain focus during conversations. This is common in (but not exclusive to) neurodivergent people, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD). Their touch patterns relate to attention regulation rather than deception attempts.
To me, it would seem that face-touching fails spectacularly as a reliable deception indicator despite its popularity among amateur “human lie detectors.”
5. Crossed arms indicate defensiveness or disagreement.
Read any body language article, and crossed arms will be up there. Along with advice to uncross them to appear more open, friendly, and relaxed.
But here’s a crazy idea, how about we just let people stand how they feel comfortable without judging them?
I’m an arm crosser, and I have been for as long as I can remember. I find crossed arms physically much more comfortable, especially when standing for extended periods. My position relates more to muscle fatigue than any psychological state. Plus, it just feels weird when my arms are hanging there, not doing anything.
Then there’s the temperature issue. It affects body positioning more than most realize. In chilly environments, crossing your arms conserves body heat. It doesn’t mean you’re being frosty. You literally just are frosty.
Physical factors like chronic pain, pregnancy, or previous injuries often dictate how someone positions their limbs during conversation. Self-consciousness can also play a role. Sometimes, the simplest and most obvious explanations for a person’s body language are the most likely to be correct. There doesn’t always have to be a hidden meaning.
6. Fidgeting indicates nervousness, deception, or inattention.
Yes, fidgeting can sometimes be a sign of something shifty. But it also serves a crucial function for people who process information better while moving or who generally have a lot of restless energy. This is common in ADHDers and simply reflects how their brains work rather than being a sign of emotional discomfort.
Movement helps some people concentrate by providing them with supplementary sensory input that supports attention. Whilst writing this article, I’m furiously bouncing my leg. Am I engaged and paying attention? Absolutely. The leg bouncing is helping me to do that. If you asked me to stop, I’d have to expend so much energy keeping my leg still that I wouldn’t be able to pay attention to what I was writing. The same would be the case if you and I were talking.
Various neurological differences beyond ADHD involve movement as self-regulation, too. Autism, anxiety, and sensory processing differences all might involve fidgeting as a healthy adaptation rather than problematic behavior. Furthermore, someone might bounce their leg simply because they’ve been sitting still too long and need physical release. Or they might have a chronic condition that means they need to move a lot to relieve pain and stiffness.
Judging someone’s honesty or engagement based on their movement patterns fundamentally misunderstands the diversity of human experience, and it’s time we embraced that rather than perpetuating arbitrary social rules about how people should behave.
7. Looking up and to the left indicates someone is constructing a lie.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioners popularized the idea that eye movements reveal thinking patterns, particularly that looking up and left indicates constructing falsehoods rather than accessing memories. And unfortunately, it’s a myth that’s still going today, despite scientific testing that has thoroughly debunked it.
Of course, it would be nice if we could spot liars easily, but neurology simply doesn’t work this way. Brain functions don’t correspond to specific eye movements that reliably indicate cognitive processing types across individuals.
Some people naturally look in certain directions while thinking or constructing their speech, regardless of whether they’re recalling or creating information. I know I do. I’ve realized I instinctively look up and away when speaking, as it helps me focus my thoughts without too much distraction. By NLP’s logic, every single word that comes out of my mouth must be a lie.
8. 93% of communication is non-verbal (55% body language, 38% tone)
Albert Mehrabian’s research from the 1960s sparked the now much-quoted myth that 80-90% of all communication is nonverbal. But his research focused specifically on communicating feelings and attitudes, particularly liking/disliking, not general communication.
Mehrabian himself has repeatedly clarified that his formula doesn’t apply to all communication contexts. Psychology Today tells us it’s more important to observe the 3 Cs: context, clusters, and congruence.
Technical discussions, detailed instructions, or abstract concepts rely overwhelmingly on verbal content rather than delivery style, whereas emotional messages might rely more on tone and body language. That’s your context element.
Repeated body language signals (behavior clusters) are more important than single ones, but again, you need to keep in mind all the caveats we’ve discussed throughout this article.
Then there is congruence. That is, whether a person’s words and body language match. Experts say that when there is a mismatch, the body language may be more revealing. And that may be so in certain circumstances, but even this isn’t foolproof. Take the example of neurodivergent people again. Autistic people’s tones and expressions may not always match their words according to neurotypical standards, but since they are generally more direct and honest communicators, you can be pretty sure they are saying what they mean, regardless of what their face or body seems to be telling you.
Final thoughts…
Body language has long fascinated us because it promises shortcuts to understanding other people’s true feelings. But the problem is that it’s mostly based on neurotypical perspectives and those of Western culture. The reality is that understanding requires much more nuance and patience.
Yes, non-verbal communication can provide valuable information when considered alongside words, context, cultural background, and individual differences. But it should never be used as a standalone truth detector or measure of engagement.
What’s more, real harm is done when we keep perpetuating these myths. It forces those who communicate differently, with no nefarious intentions, to suppress their way of being and try to master these body language “gold standards” to fit in. That takes a huge amount of energy that has direct consequences on their ability to actually engage, but also on their mental and physical health.
Rather than searching for universal “tells” and encouraging them as best practice, we might better serve our relationships by approaching communication with curiosity, empathy, and understanding.
