Unrealistic expectations lead to hurt and cynicism. There’s no better example of this than when a kind person realizes their actions may not bring kindness back. After a while, you start realizing that most people aren’t all that kind, at least not consistently. They’re mostly self-interested.
And by self-interested, I don’t mean anything as stark as pure selfishness. It’s just that most people are going to be thinking about their own needs, wants, and desires.
That is the main reason that I stopped expecting other people to treat me well, just because I offered them that courtesy – and here are seven more!
1. Kindness is not meant to be a transaction or obligation.
I spent decades of my life as a bitter, cynical person with severe depression. As part of that, I viewed kindness as almost transactional.
If I were going to spend the limited emotional energy I had, then I felt that I deserved that in return. What I would eventually realize after therapy and treatment was that it is the wrong way to go about it.
Kindness with conditions is not kindness – it’s business. And if I’m giving you something because I expect something in return without voicing that, then it’s manipulation.
Ultimately, I changed the way I go about practicing kindness. Now, I rarely do anything with any expectation that the other person is going to treat me well or return the favor.
Any kindness I perform comes with no strings attached.
Now, you may be thinking, “But don’t you get taken advantage of?” The answer is no. No, I don’t. Because there’s no price tag on my kindness, so there’s no disappointment when the price isn’t paid.
“But how do you protect yourself?” you might ask. Through boundaries and the ability to say no. I don’t try to give kindness if I have none to give or if doing so would harm me.
This attitude can only work if you’re able to say “no” and enforce your boundaries when people push. Because they will.
2. You teach people how to treat you by what you’ll tolerate.
What happens if you keep smiling, keep offering kindness when other people won’t or can’t return it?
Well, unfortunately, a difficult person or someone who is struggling who really needs that kindness will keep taking it and may eventually try to take advantage of you, intentionally or not. At some point, you will have to say that enough is enough, and stop giving that person kindness.
You can’t pour from a pitcher of water indefinitely, but the person drinking may have an unquenchable thirst.
I’ve found that the best way to go about setting this boundary is with a gentle word and a smile. “I just can’t do that for you.” Whether I give any more explanation depends entirely on my relationship with the other person.
If they are a reasonable person, I may explain myself. If they aren’t, then I don’t.
3. Fairness and justice are not an inherent part of nature.
As a young man, I found myself believing that there was some balance, some fairness and justice to the universe. As I got older, I learned that wasn’t the case at all.
I learned that innocent people suffer every day for no reason that they have any control over. I learned that bad people regularly got away with their bad actions, and that justice is only something that we impose on reality.
I learned that any “good karma” I built up by being a good person or doing a good thing doesn’t mean it would be returned.
I also eventually figured out that expecting good karma for being a good person wasn’t a healthy way to go about life, because I shouldn’t put a price tag on my kindness like that.
After all, if I’m only practicing kindness because of what I can get out of it, then am I actually practicing kindness?
4. People judge themselves by their intentions, and you by your actions.
This was a hard lesson that I struggled to wrap my brain around for a long time.
When I set out to do something or help someone, I’m generally trying to make sure it’s successful. I don’t set out to fail – but I still do sometimes because I’m only human. I have good intentions, but perhaps my execution came off wrong, and I end up hurting someone or letting them down.
In those instances, I find it to be relatively rare that someone thinks, “Oh, he did the best he could, and that’s okay.” Instead, they tend to think, “Well, he screwed that up.”
They judge me for the outcome, not my kind intentions.
But that doesn’t tend to be the way we think about ourselves when we make mistakes. Instead, we see ourselves as a kind person who meant well.
This contrast in how we view our own intentions and other people’s actions is just another reason why it’s pointless to expect reciprocal kindness. Because we’re not comparing like for like.
It’s also a good reason to practice being both accepting and forgiving of other people’s unintentional actions, as well as our own.
Instead of focusing on their shortcomings, I practice gratitude for their efforts and intentions instead, especially when it comes to doing something for me that didn’t quite pan out. After all, they didn’t have to go out of their way for me or try to help.
Granted, that doesn’t work in all situations, but it does more often than not.
5. You will have different values than others.
I strive to be as kind as I can, but I have no expectation that others will return that kindness.
As I’ve mentioned, I believe expectations turn kindness into business, and I don’t think that’s right. That’s a value I’ve decided for myself because I don’t want my kindness to be conditional on how other people act.
But I understand why so many people are closed off to non-transactional giving. I know that a lot of people have been taken advantage of when they were trying to be kind, not realizing that’s pretty common when you’re trying to help someone who is struggling. After all, people who are having a hard time don’t always make the best decisions.
Think of a person drowning. They may struggle against the lifeguard trying to keep them afloat or get them back to shore. I’m not going to hold it against them if that’s the case. I’m still going to help them.
That’s a value that I chose for myself. It doesn’t mean they will have the same value if the roles were reversed, and that’s ok. I can only control my own actions.
6. Love and kindness won’t push someone into becoming a different person.
I try to accept people for who they are, for better or worse.
Why?
Because I know from my own life’s journey and mental health struggles that no amount of love could have changed me. No amount of love and kindness would push me through my depression, to take the actions that I needed to take to have a better life and healthier mind.
Many of us make that mistake. I know I have. Maybe if I’m really kind to this difficult person in my life, they will be inspired to do the work.
No.
All that actually got me was trapping myself in an abusive relationship with a severely mentally ill alcoholic.
People can only change when they decide to change and put in the work. Yes, you can support them on their journey once they’ve made that decision, but you can’t make the decision for them. So there’s no reason to waste time trying to.
You can’t expect your kindness to change someone into a healthier person who treats you better, because that’s just not how it works.
7. Self-respect requires you to leave when you’re not treated respectfully.
Boundaries serve as a filter to allow the sort of people you want to have in your life.
Yes, you teach people how you want to be treated, but it’s not your responsibility to get other people to treat you that way.
Instead, you can just shrug and move on from the people who won’t respect your boundaries. There’s no reason you have to waste your valuable time and emotional energy on someone who will not treat you with respect.
In my case, the aforementioned abusive relationship I was in ran into that filter eventually.
I was willing and able to put up with a lot for her, but when she punched me in the face, that was it.
I decided that was too far, and things were only likely to get worse since she wasn’t trying to get better. I chose to break up and step away from her because it became clear to me that she didn’t respect me.
That’s just the way it goes sometimes.
Final thoughts…
I strive not to let my actions be dictated by other people, particularly those who don’t treat me well. Could I sink to their level if I wanted to? Absolutely. But I choose not to.
I find that many people think that kindness means softness or weakness. What they don’t realize is that softness and kindness are often tightly controlled and monitored.
I don’t expect people to always act right, but I do expect to be treated with dignity and respect. That’s something I think everyone deserves and should expect.
And it is well within my rights and yours to walk away from anyone who won’t give it.
